Totally Messed: A Rewrite
by Cherry-sama
Summary: When the Deku Tree ordered Navi to bring Link to his aid, Navi accidentally falls unconscious, thus causing the premature death of the Deku Tree. Join Link and Navi as they slowly continue on their journey, as their reality slowly becomes...totally messed. Feedback always appreciated.
1. Chapter 1: Unfortunate Beginnings

**Chapter 1**

* * *

A/N: This is probably going to be one of the only author's notes I'll write so I'll try to be brief. This is a rewrite of one of my earliest stories that I wrote back in 2005-2006. That was a long time ago, so it's a given that the original really sucks. It was disjointed, the jokes weren't nearly as funny as I remembered, and it had this weird bold-bracked format that I've come to loathe now. People did like it, but frankly, I am embarrassed to even look at the original. However, for some reason, I keep coming back to this fanfic, probably because it was the only fanfic I wrote that my sister would actually read. Recently, I've been working on a project with a friend where we're rewriting Wand of Gamelon, but if I'm going to rewrite somebody else's stuff, now or in the future, then I need to prove that I have the guts to rewrite my own stuff too. I will keep the original version on up, but, frankly, don't read it unless you want to see how much my writing has changed.

This story is unique in that it is literally based on the game's script, which was typed up by my sister, word for word, line for line, dot for dot. All the actions were put into bold and bracked text, which is where the odd formatting originated. As a result, the fanfic is much, MUCH longer than the game script as well. But hey, if you have a few hours to spare, then I hope you enjoy this fanfic!

(You can also read this rewrite on Kasuto and my deviantart account where I've added little drawings to go along with the chapter. There are also two sequels for this fic up, the third installment being the one I recommend the most.)

* * *

_**What would happen if Navi didn't meet up with Link, as the game designers had intended?  
**Wonder no more! You'll see how one little incident messes up the whole storyline!_

* * *

"In the vast deep forest of Hyrule, long have I served as the guardian spirit." a voice came out of nowhere.

The screen showed a scene in a forest. A large tree with a prominent nose and mustache, and a glowing blue creature could be seen. It hovered before the tree.

"I am known as the Deku Tree. The children of the forest, the Kokiri, live here with me. Each Kokiri has his or her own guardian fairy. However, there is one boy who does not have a fairy."

The camera focused on a small boy—dressed in green, crying in his sleep. His dream was shown, and then to the tree again—called the Deku Tree—and the glowing creature—assumed to be one of the fairies.

"Navi. Navi. Where art thou? Come hither," the Deku Tree called out, "Oh Navi the fairy, listen to my words, the words of the Deku Tree. Dost thou sense it? The climate of evil descending upon the realm? Malevolent forces, even now, are mustering to attack our land of Hyrule. For so long the Kokiri forest, the source of life, has stood as a barrier, deterring outsiders and maintaining the order of the world. But before this tremendous evil power, even my power is as nothing. It seems the time has come for the boy without a fairy to begin his journey. The youth whose destiny is to lead Hyrule to the path of justice and truth. Navi, go now, find our young friend and guide him to me. I do not have much time left. Fly Navi, fly! The fate of the forest, nay, the world depends on thee."

With that, Navi flew off; first under a young Kokiri—Mido's legs—whizzing through a village, floating beyond a Kokiri perched upon the local shop's roof, past a Kokiri girl who stood idly, and flew close to an exit out of the village while peering at the Kokiri boy who stood there. All of the Kokiri, had a fairy, floating above their heads. Navi looked around desperately, and spotted, behind a large fence, a house. This house, by chance, was the house of our inconspicuous hero: Link. Navi didn't know this but it was another place to look for this fairyless boy. Navi flew full speed towards this residence, and in a slight miscalculation of her aim, she hit this fence, and subsequently fell unconscious. For four hours.

As a result our hero never stopped crying in his sleep and was never woken up to be told that the Great Deku Tree had summoned him. The Deku Tree, who was secretly suffering from a lethal Queen Gohma, died before anyone could save him. Mido, leader of the Kokiris, just happened to be closer to the Deku Tree than any of the other villagers when this occurred, and was blamed for the Deku Tree's death. Mido soon after, committed suicide. When Navi woke up she retrieved Link—now wide-awake—and together, they headed to Hyrule castle.

And that's how everything started to become totally messed.


	2. Chapter 2: A Jewelry Obsessed Princess

**Chapter 2**

* * *

_**What would happen if Zelda had a strange jewelry obsession?  
**Wonder no more! You'll see that one simple little incident has further messed up the whole storyline!_

* * *

Where we left Link,he had just exited the village, and was surrounded by scattered trees. He _would_ have stumbled across the glorious Hyrule field, however, a gigantic owl, who was perched upon one of the tree branches, stopped him.

"Hoo Hoot! Link! Look up here!" the gigantic owl cried, "It appears that the time has finally come for you to start your adventure. You will encounter many hardships ahead. That is your fate. Do not feel discouraged, even during the toughest of times. Go straight this way and you will see Hyrule Castle. You will meet a princess there, but that is self-explanatory since castles should _usually_ have _some_ sort of royalty locked away inside them, especially in most Zelda games. If you are lost and do not know which way to go then look at the map. _(Insert brief explanation on map viewing)_ Did you get all that? All right then! I'll see you around! Hoot Hoot Hoot Ho!"

"Uhh… That was random…" Link muttered to Navi.

"Very," Navi replied.

"Hey, Navi?" Link asked.

"Yeah, Link?"

"Why are we going to Hyrule Castle Town?" Link asked.

Link peered at Navi as he awaited his response.

"'Cause there is a big shopping mall at Hyrule Castle Town and I inherited the Great Deku Tree's Money in his will," Navi explained, "So basically, I'm going to go on a HUGE shopping spree and you have to carry what I buy because I don't have long enough arms."

"Wait," Link lifted his finger towards the glowing creature, "you have _arms?_"

Navi sighed as she did a face palm, "Case in point."

Link made a mad dash to the castle in order to get there before nightfall. This was so the nasty, skeleton-like monsters hidden beneath the ground wouldn't have a chance to attack him.

* * *

But, because of Link's timing, he made it to town when it was nighttime. He almost didn't make it inside, because some idiot decided to place a large moat around the city walls and decided to have the single entrance to the town, only accessible by a large drawbridge, which raised itself up when nightfall came. Link arrived to the bridge just in time to see it rise up without him. He bolted to it, grabbed the edge of the rising bridge, pulled himself over, and slid down into the town. When he looked around, he saw the town was completely abandoned, except for a pack of dogs, and a small redheaded girl, who sang loudly.

"Hey!" the girl called, "Your clothes, they're different. You're not from around here are you?"

"Aw, man!" Link groaned, "What gave me away?"

"Nope. He's from the forest," Navi replied.

"…Oh!" the girl exclaimed, "You're a fairy boy from the forest."

"_No, __**really?**_" Navi grumbled.

"My name is Malon," the girl said, "My dad owns Lon Lon Ranch. Dad went to the castle to deliver some milk and he hasn't come back yet."

Link ignored Malon's last statement and then walked towards a large castle-like figure in the background.

* * *

Link found himself in an area called the Castle Grounds. Link was about to walk about to fully see the beauty of the grounds, but that massive owl was perched in another tree, and forever ruined Link's appreciation of the grounds.

"Hey Link, this way! The princess is in the castle just ahead. Be careful not to get caught by the guards! Ho Ho Ho Hoot!" the Owl said.

"_You again?!_" Navi hissed.

"Hey! Why are you here?" Link pointed his finger at the owl.

"Because… um…" the Owl stalled.

Link flung his arm around and pointed at the owl, "I BET HE'S A STALKER!"

"I-I-" the Owl gulped, "I-I am not a stalker!"

Before Link or Navi could accuse the owl of any more illegal actions, he suspiciously flew away.

* * *

Link waited pointlessly for daytime before getting bored and entered the Castle Town again. Unfortunately, Link was never good in crowded areas, and the town had filled up with people since he was last there. When Link came screaming back onto the grounds, he abruptly met up with that Malon girl—who was singing yet again.

"Are you going to the castle, fairy boy?" she asked.

"Yes…" Link gulped, catching his breath, "Why do _you_ care?"

"Would you mind finding my dad?" Malon asked.

"Yes. We would mind," Navi snapped, "I have a shopping spree to go on, and as soon as I can get Link to approach the town again—"

"He must have fallen asleep somewhere around the castle. What a thing for an adult to do. Tee hee!" Malon giggled.

"_Yup,_" Navi groaned, flinging her arms behind her head. "She's crazy…"

"Oh yeah, if you look for him, I'll give this to you. I've been incubating this egg very carefully. Tee hee!" Malon exclaimed.

"…Please stop using such big words…" Link muttered, clasping his head. "…It makes my head hurt…"

DUN UN UN UNN! Link received a really Weird Egg! …_That's_…_really_…_weird_…

"Set the egg to C to incubate it. Tee hee. My dad is really troublesome for an adult, isn't he? Hee hee?" Malon giggled.

"Wait," Navi flew up to Malon's face. "What's 'C'?"

"It's…um…uhhhhh…" Malon pondered. "I…uhh…errmmm… I just…"

Navi moaned, "_Never mind._"

* * *

Link noticed some vines behind Malon. He climbed up, and used a variety of odd techniques to sneak past the guards. The guards, however, were nothing to worry about since they all seemed to be a blind as bats and as deaf as rocks. But on his trek into the castle, Link stumbled across an odd man, who slept among some crates.

"The girl from the ranch a ranch asked us to find her father," Navi pondered, "I wonder where he is?"

"Navi! You are so blind! Can't you see that he is right here in front of us?" Link exclaimed, flinging his arms towards the sleeping man.

"Link, we have no idea who that man is, or whether or not he is Malon's father," Navi huffed.

Link began to poke the man in the side; "And he's not a hologram either, cause I can touch him!"

"ZZZZZ…Mumble…Mumble… Welcome…our ranch is so fun…come on and look around…." Talon mumbled.

"Link? What's a hologram?" Navi paused.

Link scratched his head, "To be honest, I have no clue."

Link did not want to be caught by the blind and deaf guards, so he decided to waste his time by sitting on the ground and waiting for the egg to hatch. Deep within his boredom, he was pondering what that 'incubate' word meant, when his weird egg suddenly cracked open. The bird that emerged started crowing.

The sleeping man jumped up with a start, and rose to his feet, "What in tarnation?! Can't a person get a little shut-eye around here?"

"Uhhh, hello?" Link paused.

The man looked down at Link, "Hello, and who might you be?"

"Link. Are you Talon?" Link asked.

"Yep, I'm Talon, the owner of Lon Lon Ranch," the man stated, "I went to the Castle to deliver some milk but I sat down here to rest and I guess I fell asleep."

Link turned his head sharply at Navi, "HA."

"Hey, there was this Malon girl that was looking for you," Navi said.

"What!? Malon was looking for me? I'm going to catch it from her now! I messed up bad leaving Malon behind to wait for me. She's really going to let me have it," Talon yelled.

He ran away, waving his arms.

Navi blinked, "…How…"

"…Odd," Link said.

* * *

Link continued into the castle. He snuck past the guards in the Castle Gardens and on the grounds. Considering how easy this was, Link found soon found himself in a courtyard, with many small flowers. Castle walls rose up on all sides, and windows looked down on him. He could see through the windows halls and portraits on the walls. At the far end of the courtyard, Link spotted girl suspiciously crouched behind a large window, clutching the window ledge with both hands. She wore a strange headdress, and a flowing dress. Confident that she must be blind and deaf as well, Link approached her, intent of scaring her.

As Link got closer, he heard an evil muttering of: "…_Must have that jewel_!" It reminded him of something out of 'Lord of the Rings'.

"BOO!" Link shouted.

She didn't flinch, "Shut up, I'm busy."

Link stared at her, "Um…_Hello?_"

The girl seemed to realize he was there.

"Who! Who are you? How did you get past the guards?" the girl jumped, "Oh, what's that? Is that? A fairy?"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Well, what do you think, nitwit?"

"Then are you…?" the girl gaped, turning to Link, "Are you from the forest?"

"_Yeessssssss?_" Link gulped, "And you care, _why?_"

"No, duh!" Navi huffed, "Because fairies are more commonly found in the _ocean_. Didn't you know?"

"Then…then you wouldn't happen to have the Spiritual Stone of the Forest, would you? A green shiny stone? Do you have it?" the girl leaned in close to Link. There was a glint in her eye that made Link afraid—like she dared him to tell her that he _didn't_ have the stone.

"Um…no…" Link replied in a small voice.

The girl snapped her fingers, "Nuts! I had a dream…"

"Wait… _Why_ do we care about this dream of yours?" Navi interrupted.

"Navi! Shut up! For all we know, she could be the _princess!_" Link glared at Navi while nudging her with his elbow.

"As if," Navi muttered.

"…In the dream, dark storm clouds were billowing over the land of Hyrule. But suddenly, a ray of light shot out of the forest, parted the clouds and lit up the ground. The light turned into a figure holding a green and shining stone, followed by a fairy. I know this is a prophecy that someone would come from the forest," the girl said.

Link gave the girl a blank stare, "…Okay, I'm sorry. You lost me at 'dark'…"

"This must mean that you…" the girl paused dramatically, "…are my new jewelry collector!"

"What's that?" Link asked.

"All you got to do is collect jewels for me!" she began to clap her hands when she said the word 'jewel'.

"That sounds easy enough," Link said slowly.

"Wait a minute, wait a minute!" Navi flew between the two, "Who are you? Why are you employing Link? Don't you even take into consideration that he might _refuse?!_"

"Yeah!" Link exclaimed, "What if I refuse?"

"Then I will send a horde of stampeding Skutullas to take your hat!" the girl grinned.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Not my hat! Anything but my hat!" Link clutched his head protectively, "Fine! Fine! I'll do anything you want! Just don't take my hat!"

Nobody knew except Navi (because she lived in his hat), but Link actually hid a large bald patch on the top of his head. He swore he would jump off a cliff if anyone ever found this out.

"Yes, I thought you might be up to the job" the girl said cheerfully, the grin vanishing, "Oh, I'm sorry. I got carried away with my jewelry obsession and didn't even properly introduce myself."

"Well it's about time!" Navi muttered.

The girl bowed slightly, "I am Zelda, Princess of Hyrule."

"SEE!" Link exclaimed.

"She's certainly demanding for a royal," Navi grumbled.

"Shut up, Navi!" Link swatted Navi.

"What is your name?" the girl, Princess Zelda, asked.

"Link."

"And my name is Tom Bombadil," Navi said.

"Really?" Link asked.

"No, you twit," the fairy snapped, "I'm Navi."

"…..Link? Strange, it sounds…somehow…familiar…." Zelda muttered to herself.

"Hey! Stop ignoring me!" Navi snapped, bobbing up and down, "I do exist!"

"Okay then, Link, I am going to tell you the secret of the Sacred Realm that has been passed down by the Royal Family of Hyrule," Zelda said.

"Umm… _Why?_" Link asked.

The evil glint in Zelda's eye returned, "Because this secret will help you get jewels for me!"

"Ohh… Okay."

"And please keep this a secret from everyone," Zelda said.

Link looked disinterestedly at his surroundings, "Fine."

"Link!" Navi hissed, "Why are you so submissive?!"

"The legend goes like this…" Zelda began.

* * *

**Flashback**

"The three Goddesses hid the Triforce containing the power of the gods somewhere in Hyrule…the power to grant the wish of the one who holds the Triforce in his hands. If someone with a righteous heart makes a wish, it will lead Hyrule to a golden age of prosperity. If someone with an evil mind has his wish granted, the world will be consumed by evil. That is what has been told. So the ancient Sages built the Temple of Time to protect the Triforce from evil ones."

**End of Flashback**

* * *

"What's the Triforce?" Link asked.

"It's the ultimate jewelry! I must have it!" Zelda proclaimed, "It's so shiny! It's located in the Temple of Time."

"Wait… Isn't that 'temple' place near the mall or something?" Navi asked.

"That's right, the Temple of Time is the entrance through which you can enter the Sacred Realm," Zelda confirmed, "_My _Triforce is in there!"

"Alright! Let's go to the temple of Time to get ourselves a Triforce!" Link exclaimed, swinging himself around.

"BUT IT'S MINE!" Zelda hissed.

There was a long silence.

"Erm… I mean the entrance is sealed by a stone wall called the 'Door of Time'. And in order to open the door, it is said that you need to collect three Spiritual Stones (to add to my jewelry collection). And another thing you need is the treasure that the Royal Family keeps along with this legend. The Ocarina of Time," Zelda said.

"Who owns this treasure?" Link asked.

"I do!" Zelda grinned.

"Why would your parents let you own something _that _valuable?" Navi asked.

"Because it's treasure! (Even though it isn't as shiny as my Triforce…)"

"I guess that makes sense…" Link muttered.

"Anyways… Did you understand well the story I just told you?" Zelda asked.

"Yeah, pretty much," Link shrugged.

"That's great. I forgot to tell you. I was spying through this window just now. The other element from my dream, the dark clouds, I believe they symbolize that man in there!" Zelda exclaimed.

"Wait… _Spying?_" Navi paused, "…Okay, girl, you have some serious problems…"

Zelda glared at Navi. Then turned to Link.

"Will you look through the window at him?" Zelda gestured towards the window.

"Sure!" Link replied.

Link looked in and saw foreign-looking man bowing before someone out of sight. He looked relatively young and had darker colour skin; a large jewel perched decoratively on his forehead. He had red hair and a receding hairline.

"Link, move your head!" Navi hissed from behind Link, "It's in the way!"

Zelda peeked over Link's shoulder, "Can you see the man with the evil eyes?"

"Wait! Evil eyes?!" Navi exclaimed, flying back and forth in an attempt to get a good view, "Where? Where?"

"Yeah. I do," Link confirmed.

"I don't!" Navi snarled.

"That is Ganondorf, the leader of the Gerudos. They hail from the desert far to the west. They are a gang of thieves!" Zelda exclaimed.

"Are you saying he has 'evil eyes' just because he's from a gang of thieves, or because he _actually has _evil eyes?!" Navi floated.

"Here is your first task, Link!" Zelda declared, "I want you to break the window and get the jewel off his head. It'll prove my victory if I have his jewel in my collection!"

Link raised his eyebrow at the princess, "Uhhh… _Okay_…_?_ _If you say so_…"

Link took out and aimed his nifty slingshot. This in itself created a large plot hole—since he technically shouldn't have it since he never found it in the Deku Tree's insides—and probably ripped a big hole in the fabric of space somewhere out in an alternate universe. Link released a Deku seed from the slingshot. It shot straight through the window, shattering the glass. Without losing much propulsion it hit the jewel with a resounding 'clink'. The jewel was knocked off Ganondorf's forehead and went skittering across the floor.

Ganondorf was utterly taken aback and stared mutely at the jewel bouncing away. The Princess suddenly leapt through the window, knocking away the remaining shards in the windowpane. She landed on her feet, crouched in a ninja pose. Zelda leapt after the jewel and snatched it from the ground before Ganondorf could react. DUN UN UN UNN! Zelda got one of Ganondorf's Jewels! Cackling maniacally, she back flipped towards the window and used a burst of magic to fly out of the window.

At the head of the hallway, where Ganondorf had been bowing to, sat the King. As he witnessed the scene unfold, his jaw dropped. His face had "Oh my Din" written all over it. Meanwhile, Zelda crouched on the grass outside the window, stroking the jewel possessively. Link stared at her in mute shock.

"MWAHAHAHA! My precious! PRECIOUSSSS! Hisssss!" Zelda cackled, "I finally have it! It's mine! It came to me!"

"…I have a feeling that jewel was the entire reason she was spying on him in the first place…" Navi whispered in Link's ear.

A loud roar bellowed out from the window, and Link ducked down beside Zelda to avoid being seen. Zelda was brought from her reverie by the cry and she whipped her head around looking surprised. She saw Link crouched next to her. She stuffed the jewel inside her hat and stood up. Hesitantly, Link straightened up as well.

"What happened? Did he see us? I hope not. Anyway… I can sense that man's evil intentions! What Ganondorf is after is nothing less than the Triforce of the Sacred Realm! He must have come to Hyrule to obtain it, but it's mine! And with it, he wants to conquer my jewel collection! No, the entire world! Link, now we're the only ones who can protect my jewels! Please!" Zelda leaned in close to Link.

Link looked uneasily at the shattered fragments of what _used_ to be the window, "_Okay…_ But I don't think we should be here much longer…"

"Thank you! I am afraid…I have a feeling that man is going to destroy Hyrule with my Triforce! He has such terrifying power! But it's fortunate that you have come, my employee. We must not let Ganondorf get the Triforce because it's MINE! I will protect the Ocarina of Time with all my power (even though it's still not as shiny as my Triforce)," Zelda pointed her index finger at Link, "He shall not have it, ever, because it's mine! You go find the three Spiritual Stones!"

"Um…why?" Link asked.

"I have my reasons," Zelda smirked at Link, "Let's get the Triforce before Ganondorf does so I can wear it with the Spiritual Stones to the Hyrule Annual Ball! One more thing, take this letter. I'm sure it'll be useful to you."

Zelda pulled out parchment from her bag, and… DUN UN UN UNN! Link received Zelda's Letter! I wonder how much it's worth on eBay… Link turned and saw a tall, shady and scary woman standing by the entrance to the gardens.

"My attendant will guide/push/kill-you-and-drag-your-corpse out of the castle. Don't be afraid to talk to her," Zelda told Link cheerfully.

"I'll try not to be…" Link replied.

"Wait, when'd she get there?" Navi asked.

Slowly, Link and Navi approached the tall woman.

"I am Impa of the Shiekahs. I am responsible for protecting Princess Zelda's jewels," the attendant explained as she walked up to meet the group, "Everything is exactly as the princess foretold. You are a courageous boy to help Zelda with her plan today."

"Heh heh heh… _Yeah_…" Link chuckled, glancing at the broken window just in time to see a chunk of glass fall out of the frame and into the throne room.

"You are heading out on a big new adventure aren't you? My role in the princess' dream was to teach the melody to the one from the forest that will get her jewels," Impa explained.

"But you weren't even mentioned!" Navi protested, and was promptly grabbed by Link's hand and shoved into his hat.

"…This is an ancient melody passed down by the Royal Family. I have played this song for Princess Zelda as a lullaby ever since she was a baby. There is a mysterious power in these notes. Now listen carefully. Memorize this song," Impa instructed.

Impa whistled Zelda's Lullaby _very badly_ and Link played the song back on his Ocarina. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned Zelda's Lullaby! This created another big plothole, due to the fact that Link never acquired this Ocarina from his friend Saria. Another rip in the fabric of space was formed in an Alternate Universe.

"If the castle soldiers find you, there will be trouble. Let me lead you out of the castle," Impa offered.

"NNNOOO! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!" Link yelled curling up on the ground.

Impa turned to Zelda, who was sniggering, "_Princess_… What have you been telling him?"

"Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh…" Zelda snickered, "My… PRECIOUS!"

Impa dragged Link—who insisted on whimpering loudly—out of the Castle.

* * *

"You're a brave lad. We must protect Zelda's beautiful collection of jewels. Take a look at that mountain. That is Death Mountain, home of the Gorons; they are really good at making Rubies. They hold the Spiritual Stone of Fire, which is a mighty, fine Ruby. At the foot of Death Mountain, you will find my village, Kakariko," Impa said, "That is where I was born and raised. You should talk/**steal-jewels** from some of the villagers there before you go up to Death Mountain. The song I just taught you has some mysterious power. Only the Royal family members are allowed to learn this song. Remember, it will help prove your connection with the Royal Family. The princess is waiting for you to return to the castle with the treasures. Alright, we're counting on you."

Impa took a few steps back and threw a Deku Nut, and inexplicably vanished…

"Now that was scary…" Link shuddered.

"Yeah… Did you see her _outfit?!_" Navi huffed.

"Hello, Link," exclaimed the Random Owl that randomly appeared.

"AAAAHHHHHH! IT'S HIM! LET'S ESCAPE INTO KARAOKE, or whatever that place is called, VILLAGE!" Link yelled to Navi.

"Ouch, I am right beside you. You don't have to yell…" Navi complained, "And that's too far away, let's go back to your house first!"

"Whatever! Anywhere but HERE is good," Link exclaimed.

It was obvious that Link was the one who carried all the maps, since the Kokiri Forest was much farther away than Kakariko. And it was also obvious the Link never looked at said maps—let alone, knew how to READ them—due to the fact that he did not correct her statement. Either way, our heroes really sucked at their directions. But, Link _somehow_ knew the way back home, so he headed to Kokiri Village.


	3. Chapter 3: Crashing the Campervan

**Chapter 3**

* * *

_**What would happen if Saria owned a camper van?  
**Wonder no more! You will see over and over again how continuous errors in time and space mess up the storyline. …Badly…_

* * *

Where we last left Link and Navi, they were fleeing into the Kokiri village. As it happened, they had just arrived at the entrance.

"What would Saria say if she found out we were going to save Princess Zelda's jewels?" Navi asked Link as they ran over to the bridge.

"Either she would one: think we had too much caffeine, or two: she and the other Kokiris would mob us," Link answered.

Navi cocked her head, "Mob you? Why on Hyrule would they mob _you?_"

Link took out Zelda's Letter from his pocket.

"Navi, I have personally met one of the most famous people throughout the land," Link waved the parchment around, "Not to mention, received her autograph—without even asking! Who _wouldn't_ mob me?"

Navi paused, "…Oh alright, I guess that's _somewhat _logical."

The village was completely abandoned. The Kokiri girl on the roof of the local shop, the Kokiri guy who usually did backflips, the strange blonde Kokiri girl who stood on the pillar in the middle of the village—all of them, gone. Link, ready to assume the worst, wandered into the Great Deku Tree's meadow. There he stumbled across the strangest sight: all the Kokiri in the village had gathered in front of the withered tree. Each had a black article on their person. A blonde Kokiri stood before the group, speaking—from where he was standing, Link was unable to hear her. He wandered closer.

"What do you think they are doing?" Link asked.

"They must be having a funeral," Navi answered.

Link looked at Navi, "A _what?_"

"A funeral," Navi repeated, "It's an occasion in which people bury or cremate, that is burn, their departed loved ones. They can take up to—"

"_B-Burn?_" Link stopped dead in his tracks, "They're going to _burn_ the Great Deku Tree?"

Navi snapped her attention to the funeral procession, "Oh crap…we still need that Spiritual Stone of the Forest! Hurry! We need to get it before they burn him!"

"Right!" Link began to sprint, "Hey guys! STOP!"

The blonde Kokiri fell silent. A sea of heads turned to glare frigidly at Link. The blonde Kokiri strode stiffly up to Link. She looked annoyed.

"We need to stop this funeral!" Navi exclaimed.

"And _why_ would we do _THAT?_" the blonde Kokiri put her hands on her hips.

"Ummm…" Navi bit her lip, "Link, would you care to explain?"

"Hey!" Link waved, "Uhhh, we, erm, kinda need to retrieve something from the Great Deku Tree's _possessions_…"

The blonde Kokiri glared at Link, "Then _why_ interrupt us?!"

Navi flew over, "Look, Maria, you know as well as we do, that the Great Deku Tree, bless his soul, kept all of his valuables in his leaves! So all Link needs to do is climb up and get it!"

"Wait," Link paused, "I what?"

"What?! You want to raid the Great Deku Tree's _corpse?!_ Of all the blasphemous things in this sorry excuse for a world, this has got to be the absolute worst! You can't possibly be serious! If the Great Mido knew—" Maria hollered, before breaking into incoherent evil muttering.

"Maria, it won't take all of five minutes," Navi huffed.

"Absolutely not!" Maria shouted.

"Pweeease…" Link looked at Maria with big, watered eyes.

Maria let out a large sigh, "_Fine!_ Just make it snappy!"

"Thanks!" Link grinned.

Link approached the base of the Deku Tree, and stared up at the leaves. It looked like a _looooonnnnggg _climb. Link ignored the bitter mumbling behind him from the Kokiris, spat on the palm of his hands, grabbed onto some of the bark, and jumped up so that his feet up were parallel to the trunk. Link climbed higher. About mid-way up, his hand slipped. There was a subsequent thud.

"Aiiieeee! Zit!" Link shouted upon impact, "Ouchie…"

Navi blinked, "Well, that was an odd outcry."

Maria let out a groan, "I've had it, Link! Just had it! Whenever you hop down from a pedestal, jump around, do summersaults, leap off of ledges, and pretty much _anything_ you do, you always say the _weirdest crap!_ Why in the Lost Woods do you say 'zit' whenever you fall down?!"

"Because it hurts…" Link whimpered feebly.

Finally, many failed attempts later, Link was able to climb up into the Deku Tree's leaves. The Kokiri watched in awkward silence and stared at Link through the branches. Link was reminded of a crowd of lifeless drones. Before long, Link spotted the Spiritual Stone. Link clambered over toward it. He reached out to grab it.

"Link! Will you hurry up?" Maria bellowed.

"Just wait," the tips of Link's fingers grazed the stone, "I think I got it—! AHHHHHH!"

Link lost his balance and came crashing down to the earth. His outcry of pain was louder than usual. Link lay curled up in a ball at the base of the trunk. There was a "plink" sound as the Spiritual Stone came falling after him. It landed on Link's head. DUH DU DUH NUH NU, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH! Link received the Spiritual Stone of the Forest!

Navi sighed, "Hurry it up, Link."

"We're _trying_ to have a funeral here!" Maria snapped.

Link rose, "Man… Maria… You sound so much like Mido sometimes…"

"Well, of course!" Maria's fairy piped up, "She's become head Kokiri ever since he died!"

Navi flew over to Maria's fairy, "Yeah, but she could at least _try_ to be nicer than him…"

Link paused, "Wait, he's dead?"

Navi looked at Link, and then at the glaring Kokiri.

"…Well!" Navi piped, "We'll have to be on our way now! Right Link?"

Link raised his eyebrow, "We do?"

Navi nudged him.

"Uh, yeah! _We do,_" Link smiled, "We're going to see Saria, like you suggested."

"_Right!_" Navi chuckled nervously, "After this we need to get back to collecting more jewelry for Princess Zelda!"

The ground started shaking. Link looked over his shoulder and saw that all the Kokiri suddenly looked enthusiastic. That, and they were now thundering down the path towards him.

"You've met Princess Zelda?" they yelled in unison, "Tell us all about her!"

"…I'vegottogototheSacredForestMe adownow! Bye!" Link made a dash for the forest.

* * *

Link ran into the woods like his life depended on it. Which, to some extent, it did. He would have liked to have put more distance between him and the Zelda fan-Kokiri, however, the random owl stopped him. No one was quite sure how. Since all the random owl did was speak to him.

"Hey, over here! Hoo hoo!" the random owl called out, "Good to see you again."

Link didn't skip a beat; "It's that stalker again!"

"I am _not_ a stalker," the random owl crossed his wings, "And if you want to get through the forest to find Saria, you're going to need my help."

"HA! We don't need your help," Navi turned sharply towards Link, "Link, let's keep moving!"

Link knew better than to disobey Navi. He strode confidently ahead. When he came out, he blinked. He was exactly where he started. Shaking his head, he proceeded to another path. And again, he was back to where he started. The owl stared at him, snickering. Link tried a third time, and the path led somewhere else…but the next path he took, and he returned to the start. Link tried this several times, each time, the owl grew to look more and more smug. Link stood panting, having again failed. He glared up at the bird.

"Okay…" Link wheezed, "…fine… Tell us how…to get through the…woods to Saria…"

"I told you so…" The random owl smirked.

Navi sighed, "Link you're fired. You are a terrible means of transportation."

"Now listen to this," the random owl cleared his throat, "After going through the Lost Woods, you will come across the Sacred Forest Meadow. That is a sacred place where few people have ever walked."

The owl put his wing up to where his ear would be.

"Shhh… What's that?" the owl said.

"…But I can't hear anything…" Navi said.

"I can hear a mysterious tune," the owl started rocking back and forth to the beat, "It sounds like the highly popular music of someone banging on trashcan lids with wooden spoons and rubber chickens."

Link cupped his ear, "I love that sound…"

Navi turned sharply to Link, "A terrible means of transportation, and insane."

The bird turned to Navi, "…You should listen for that tune too…"

"Erm…" Navi paused, "I'll pass…"

"Hoo hoo hoo! Do you want to hear what I said again?" the owl asked.

Link was snapped out of his reverie, "Heck, no! It's a pain to listen to you once, not to mention a _second_ time!"

"If you are courageous, you will make it through the forest just fine…" the random owl smiled.

"Now how does that work?" Link asked.

"…Just follow your ears and listen to the sounds coming from the forest!" the random owl continued.

Navi let out an irritated sigh.

"We don't _have_ to since there are tire tracks leading all the way to the Forest Meadow," Navi retorted, "For someone who states the obvious, you certainly can't see the obvious."

Sure enough, there was a set of smoking tire tracks. They wove off through the forest and numerous skid marks could be seen. The tracks appeared fresh, and one could easily deduce that whomever made the tracks was either crazy or a terrible driver. Or both.

"Wow," Link gaped, "I didn't notice them before now…"

Navi raised her eyebrows.

The random owl broke the silence, "…Just remember."

Link looked at the owl, "Remember what?"

"Remember that the word 'rats' is the word 'star' backwards. Hoot hoot!" the random owl hooted.

The owl flew away.

Link turned to Navi, "Does that mean that we may look like stars, but we are actually srats?"

"Link, srats isn't a word," Navi said.

"But 'srats' is 'stars' spelt backwards," Link nodded, "Just because stars is the plural of star, doesn't mean it should be exempt from this rule."

Navi paused, "Wait… Now that I think about it, that bird never told us how to actually _get_ to Saria…"

"That jerk!" Link yelled, shaking his fist in the direction where the random owl had flown.

* * *

Link followed the trail the smoking tire tracks left behind in the forest. When he arrived at the Sacred Forest Meadow, there was a door barring the path. The tire tracks continued under the gate, and on ahead. Either the door had already been open when the driver passed through, or they had managed to find a way of opening the gate. Navi flew closer to the gate, looking around.

"There must be some means of opening this…" she muttered.

A gray wolf emerged from the ground. It charged towards Link.

"_Awwwwww_!" Link cooed.

The wolf stopped dead in its tracks, "Arf?"

The wolf sat down and tilted its head to the side. Link dashed toward it, his arms outstretched.

"Link…" Navi said slowly.

"It's so _cute~_! I'm going to name it Afatufivomany!" Link hugged Afatufivomany around the middle, "Don't you think that it's a lovely name?"

Afatufivomany started to gnaw on Link's leg.

"Uhhh… Link?" Navi gulped, "I think you're suppost to defeat it…"

Link turned his head sharply towards Navi, a reproachful glare on his face.

"But it's too cute for us to fight!" Link smiled at Afatufivomany, "I know! He can be our cute and lovable partner on our adventures!"

Link's statement was lost on Navi, as Afatufivomany had clamped his jaws shut over her.

"Mmmmmmmmm! Mmmm, _mmmm mm!_" Navi's muffled screams could be heard from Afatufivomany's muzzle.

[Translation note: 'Ahhhhhhhh! Link, _help me!_']

"What?" Link asked with his hand over his ear, "I didn't catch that."

Afatufivomany shook himself loose from Link's grasp. It turned and charged toward Link again. It leapt into the air, paws extended towards our hero's face. Link opened his arms, about to welcome the embrace.

"Afatufivomany!" Link declared, "Come to Papa!"

Afatufivomany accidentally stabbed himself on Link's sword and died.

"Nnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooo ooo—!" Link fell to his knees in despair, "My poor Afatufivomany! It was too young to die!"

Navi whizzed out of Afatufivomany's slack jaw, "Judging by its breath, I'd say it was at least 1 234 567 890 years old."

Link paused, "How can you calculate age by _breath?_"

"Oh, that's _easy._ We _fairies _can just _tell _how many rubber chickens it has gnawed on. Duh," Navi rolled her eyes, "He's gnawed on _1 234 567 890 123 456 789 012 345 678 901 234 567 890 _rubber chickens_. _Don't you_ know _that it means he would be _at least_ 1 234 567 890 years old. At least."

"Really, Navi?" Link looked awed.

Navi blinked, "You're an idiot."

Link nodded in agreement, "That is so true. Wait…"

Navi zipped towards the doorway before Link could figure out what had been said to him. The gate opened upon her approach. Link whooped and ran up beside her, looking all around in glee. He and Navi had arrived at the edge of a maze. The walls were tall, and looked difficult to climb, and the exterior decorator needed to be fired.

Link looked down the corridor to the right, and the corridor to the left; "Which way do we go to solve the maze?"

"And last chapter you were saying that _I _was blind…" Navi slapped her forehead, "Can't you see the holes right in front of us? They're shaped like camper vans."

Navi indicated toward a series of crudely shaped holes that indeed looked like they had been made by a campervan. The smoking tire tracks continued through them.

"Oh…"

Link and Navi proceeded through them. Along the path, there were corpses of what appeared to be the remains of Deku Scrubs. Eventually the walls of the maze disappeared and the tire tracks careened up a set of stairs. More roadkill was found at the top of them, as the path narrowed to a trail through the trees.

"I think I smell burnt fairy," Link said.

The path opened up to a glade. Off to the left, a campervan was smashed up against a stone wall. Smoke poured out of the front of it, and there appeared to be a tall and narrow sign crushed between the wall and the van. The back of the van was open, and a small kitchen and a bed were visible. A kettle sat on the stovetop.

Higher up was a ruin of sorts, overgrown with vines. An entrance could be seen, but if there had been stairs, they had crumbled away. There was tall tree growing up beside the entrance. Below, a lone stump was embedded in the ground. A campfire had been set up. And seated on the stump was a green-haired girl, playing an ocarina. A green fairy flew in slow irregular circles around her head.

"Saria!" Link exclaimed as he ran over to her.

This begs the question, game-wise: if Saria gave you her Ocarina, how does she still have it?

"I've been waiting for you, Link!" Saria smiled, "This is the Sacred Forest Meadow."

"We already knew that…" Navi muttered, "We do live in these woods too, you know."

Link glared at Navi; Saria didn't seem to notice. Saria roasted marshmallows over the campfire. Miraculously, the fire didn't seem to have spread to the rest of the meadow, but there was a conspicuous bucket of water sitting beside her.

"This is my secret place," Saria smiled.

Saria's fairy began to drift towards the roasting marshmallow.

"Um…Saria?" Navi began.

"Navi, don't interrupt…" hissed Link out of the corner of his mouth.

Saria's fairy alighted on the marshmallow.

"But…"

Navi watched as the fairy got stuck in the white goo. It fluttered its wings, unable to free itself.

"I feel…this place will be very important for both of us some day," Saria continued, "That's what I feel."

"Link—!"

"Navi…"Link muttered, "Shut up!"

"But—!"

The fairy's wing burst into flame. Saria took her stick and dunked it in to bucket of water, fairy, marshmallows, and all. A loud fizzing was heard. Saria withdrew the stick from the water.

"That's got to be, like, the millionth time that he's done that in the past hour!" Saria exclaimed irritably, "You think he would have learned by now not to do that!"

Saria plucked the fairy off the marshmallow by the wing and held him up to Link and Navi. She smiled.

"See? Good as new!" she exclaimed, "Except for this little black, burnt spot on the tip of his wing. It simply won't come off. It's been there since, what, the 32nd time? But it's hardly noticeable, right?"

"Hi, Navi~!" the fairy waved.

"I wasted what must have been two seconds of my time trying to get it off. I've tried everything, Windex, bleach, toilet-cleaner fluids, acids, bases…" Saria sighed, "But no avail. He's just going to be a spotted little fellow by the end of this trip. You do remember Ivan, right Navi?"

Navi nodded, "I'd only forget with an I.Q. as low as his …"

"You know, Navi, 'Ivan' is 'Navi' spelled backwards…" Link pondered, "Why would the Deku Tree name you two like that?"

Navi sighed: "In case you didn't know, Link, the Great Deku Tree was short a few acorns, wasn't the sharpest needle on the pine, if you get my meaning."

"No, I don't," Link said.

"Anyway, he was a crazy old tree," Navi snapped, "Why else would he leave all his money to me, of all people?"

"I…I guess that makes sense…" Link paused, "Or doesn't…."

Saria allowed Ivan to take flight again.

"Moving on then…" Saria said, "If you play the Ocarina here, you can talk to the spirits in the forest. Would you like to play the Ocarina with me?"

Link shrugged, "Sure."

Navi groaned, "Link! This had better not become a habit!"

"Okay, try and follow along with the melody I will play. Are you ready?" Saria asked.

Link gave her a broad grin, "As ready as I'll ever be!"

"Alright!" she grinned.

Five Deku Scrubs appeared on the ledge of the entrance of some inaccessible place. What made them different from other Deku Scrubs were that their leaves were arranged in spiky yellow Mohawks, and each wore two eye patches—one on each eye. Before Link knew it, a large number of Deku scrubs flooded into the area from the trail he and Navi had taken to arrive here. Some appeared on the walls of the building, while some perched on Saria's campervan. The crowd was so thick that one of the Deku Scrubs standing beside the Saria caught fire and set fire to several more.

Navi looked at the distinctive Deku Scrubs, "Is that—?"

"Yep! It's that famous band: The Scrubs!" Saria shouted.

A cheer rang out from the surrounding Deku Scrubs.

Saria pulled out her ocarina, "HIT IT, BOYS!"

Out of the blue, five trashcan lids, five rubber chickens and five wooden spoons appeared before the band members. There was a clamor as the eye-patched Scrubs began searching around blindly to find their instruments. After they got it together, they began to beat the trashcan lids with their spoons and chickens. Saria stood up on the stump and put her ocarina to her lips. She began playing Saria's Song wildly to the background 'music'. The resulting tune had no melody, and pitched and squealed from one octave to the next. After they were finished, Saria and all the Deku Scrubs stared at Link expectantly.

Link clutched his Ocarina in his hand, "How the ***[CENSOREDZ]*** am I supposed to follow along with **that**!?"

They all looked at him like he was some sort of idiot, and began muttering amongst themselves. Some murmured that he had no musical taste if he wasn't able to recognize the artistic arrangement of Saria's song.

"Fine!" Saria snapped, "If you can't understand this artistic arrangement, then it's over between us, Link!"

"Wait, what?" Navi said.

"This band that we were trying to form, it's just never going to work," Saria's eyes were filled with melodramatic tears.

"Can I at least learn the song…?" Link asked timidly.

"Fine, but only as a special favour to you," Saria said, "Don't get it in your head that you're a musician, okay?"

"Fine, I'll just have to become an artist, then!" Link declared.

"Just teach him the song," Navi sighed.

Saria played her song on the Ocarina. As Link repeated the melody, The Scrubs band began to wander away, muttering what a jerk Link was for not having good taste for new-aged music. When Link took the Ocarina away from his lips, he noticed that it sparkled brightly as if somebody had glued glitter on it.

Link raised his eyebrow, "Who glued glitter on my Ocarina?"

"I did!" giggled Ivan.

Ivan started spiraling toward the ground. "_Weeee~_" was distinctly heard before he face-planted. Link looked at his Ocarina again. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned Saria's song! …Under rather awkward circumstances…

"Hee hee hee! Great! Great! Please don't forget this song! Do you promise?" Saria looked at Link intently.

"With a reception like that, I doubt anyone but Ivan could," Link pointed out.

Saria pretended not to hear, "When you want to hear my voice, play Saria's song. You can talk to me anytime…"

"'Kay! Bye!" Link smiled.

"Bye, Navi~!" Ivan waved with his face still planted in the dirt.

Navi sighed, "Bye, Ivan."

Link turned towards the path, "Now we can continue our adventure to work for Zelda!"

The ground began to shake. Link looked over his shoulder. Thundering down the path were all the Deku Scrubs from the concert. There were distinctly more of them than there had been Kokiri, and they were all charging toward him in a similar fashion.

"Link, you idiot!" Navi cried.

"Oh no…not again…" Link whimpered.

Link charged out of the Sacred Forest Meadow as fast as his little legs could carry him. He mowing Deku Scrubs down as he went, clinging to his hat. He ran into the maze, darting through the campervan-shaped holes, putting as much distance between him and the Deku as he could. He only stopped when he ran into the Random Owl.

"Hoo Hoo! Did you learn the Ocarina Song from Saria? That melody seems to have some mysterious power. There may be other mysterious songs like this that you can learn in Hyrule," the Random Owl said.

Navi rolled her eyes, "If you call trashcan music powerfully mysterious…"

"Look! I don't have time to—" Link yelled.

"_(Insert explanation on how to play the Ocarina)_ Do you want to hear what I said again?" the random owl smiled.

"NO!" Link yelled, "What I want to know is how you even _know_ how to play an ocarina. You don't have any lips!"

"Or fingers," Navi added.

The Owl began to speak louder, "_(Insert explanation about Ocarina songs on the Status Subscreen)_"

"Shut up!" Link bellowed.

"Only if you give me Zelda's autograph!" the Random Owl demanded.

"NEVER!"

"Fine! Be that way!" the random owl ruffled his feathers and started to fly away, "…The nerve of youngsters these days…"

"I am being that way!" Link shouted after him.

Shortly after the owl left, the Zelda-obsessed Deku Scrubs caught up with him. He dashed off with the bulk of them on his tail. He managed to escape to the Kokiri village, only to be cornered by the Kokiri Zelda fans.

* * *

Link zipped out of the village, into Hyrule Field.

"Phew, I'm glad that's over," Link wiped his forehead.

"Um, Link…?" Navi said.

"What…?"

Skeletons rose up from the ground.

"You've _got_ to be kidding me!" Link groaned, "More Zelda fans? This is worse than an anime convention!"

"Right, Link, whatever," Navi said, "Focus."

"Navi, what exactly _is_ an anime conventi—"

"Link, you don't exactly have the time to be talking right now!" Navi snapped.

Link shook his leg to dislodge a skeleton that was gnawing on it, "Why not?"

"Does can has Princess Zelda's autograph?" asked the skeleton.

"No, you not does can has," Link retorted.

"What?" Navi blinked.

With that, Link booted the skeleton away, and bolted off once more. Unaware of where he was, he dashed into a small settlement in the middle of the field just at daybreak.


	4. Chapter 4: Goron's Dance's Side Effects

**Chapter 4**

* * *

_**What would happen if Goron dancing could change gravity?  
**Wonder no more! You will see the answer as more random events unfold._

* * *

Link's terror made him stumble across a settlement in Hyrule Field. Link ran inside, cueing the camera to pan around this farm. White letters appeared on-screen, reading: Lon Lon Ranch. Link heard a song being sung close to where he stood. But despite all indication that this singing was potentially important to the plot, Link decided to ignore it to go inside a nearby building. The building was a barn, and inside there was a middle-aged man. Abruptly, this middle-aged man stormed over to Link and began yelling at him.

"I can't believe that I, the Great Ingo, am working on this dump of a ranch!" the man scoffed, "Because the owner is so lazy, I always have to do all the work around here! I, the hard-working Ingo, should be in charge, not that lazy bum, Talon!"

"Um…" Link bit his lip, "We just walked in, so please don't drag us into your problems…"

"But he does have a point…" Navi pondered, "Since that Talon guy is apparently in charge."

Link turned his head to face Navi, "Who?"

"Link!" Navi hissed. "It's only been two chapters! How can you forget that lazy Talon already?!"

"Wait, we're talking about that sleeping man?" Link asked.

"…Link, let's go," Navi sighed.

* * *

Link hastily left the barn and walked into a corral. There, he saw the Malon girl singing again, and had a small horse beside her.

Malon looked up when she heard Link's footsteps, "Oh, it's the…" Malon paused, "…fairy boy? Yes! It's the fairy boy again!"

Navi blinked, "You forgot him already? You must have memory as bad as Link's!"

"_Navi,_" Link glared.

"I heard that you found my dad!" Malon grinned, "How did you like the castle?"

Link stared at his fingernails, "Not bad."

"Despite the fact that the guards are as blind as bats and as deaf as rocks, the castle itself was relatively nice," Navi added.

"But not the kind of place you would go vacationing to—unless you like crazy princesses," Link continued.

"Great! Now you've done it!" Navi groaned, "Why'd you tell her about the princess? Do you _want _to get mobbed aga—"

Malon cocked her head, "Did you see the princess?"

"She was scary…" Link shuddered.

There was a short silence before: "Wow! That's so cool!" Malon exclaimed, "Can I have your autograph?"

Link hid behind Navi, which wasn't very effective.

Navi sighed, "I think Link's too traumatized from the events of last chapter to even consider being put on the spot. Besides, Link doesn't know how to read, never learned how to write, and has a small oral vocabulary, with the exception of a long word here and there."

Link peeked out from behind Navi, "Hey! I know stuff!"

Navi looked down at Link, "Case and point."

"Oh… Okay…" Malon sighed.

"Is she only responding to that _now?_" Link asked.

"Anyways," Malon smiled, "Dad came home in a hurry after you found him."

"Of course he did. I think that even the audience could assume that," Navi muttered.

Link glared at Navi, "Shh!"

"I have to introduce you to my friend, fairy boy," Malon smiled as she turned to the horse beside her, "She's this horse. Her name is Epona. Isn't she cute?"

"Wait," Navi paused, "When did we switch topics?"

Link bent down and stretched out his hand towards the horse, "Awww…!"

Just as Link's fingertips grazed the tips of the hair on Epona's mane, Epona ran away from Link like he was possessed. Malon's gaze followed Epona.

"It seems like Epona is afraid of you fairy boy… Maybe she thinks you're possessed!" Malon exclaimed cheerfully, "My mother composed this song I'm singing. Isn't it nice? Let's sing together!"

"Why do you keep changing topics abruptly?" Navi snapped, buzzing up and down.

Malon continued singing to herself.

"It doesn't seem like she remembers what we were just talking about earlier," Link yawned, "I wonder what's with her…"

"Well, she certainly shows symptoms of short term memory loss…" Navi put her hand on her chin, "But she's also had slow reaction time to most of the questions we ask her. I'm not sure what she has, but it'll take me a while to—"

Link's ocarina dropped out of his pocket.

"Oh, cute ocarina!" Malon bent over the ocarina and investigated it closely, "Are you going to play the song with that ocarina?"

"Uhhhhh…" Link looked at the ocarina and then at Malon, "…_Okay?_"

"Okay," Malon smiled, "this is the song."

Malon stood, doing nothing.

"Uhhh….hello?" Link waved his hand in front of her face.

"I think she has a delayed reaction time, Link…" Navi said, "We don't want to confuse her any more than she already is, so just wait."

"But—"

"Shut up and wait," Navi snapped.

"But I have to use the bathroom," Link said in a small voice.

Malon began to sing. She sang two notes. She frowned slightly, and then smiled at Link. She opened her mouth and tried again. She only sang one note. This went on for about fifteen minutes before Malon managed to sing three notes. When she had finally sung the entire song, it was almost nightfall. Link hurriedly copied her before she asked him if he wanted to hear it again just for clarity. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned Epona's Song!

"Finally! I got the song down!" Link groaned.

Epona stampeded over Link, trampling him.

Malon blinked as Link struggled with Epona, "Oh, Epona! She's grown fond of you, fairy boy."

Navi rolled her eyes, "So it would seem…"

"AHHHH! GET OFF ME!" Link struggled to get away from the horse, "I ALREADY GOT MOBBED TODAY!"

* * *

Link, now traumatized by horses as _well _as Zelda's fanbase, struggled with Epona before fending her off. As soon as he could, he bolted for the last building on the settlement. Link slammed the door in Epona's face and locked the door. There was some sad-sounding neighing on the other side.

"I think I'm going to have nightmares about Zelda fans on horseback…" Link muttered.

"Who's that guy?" Navi asked.

"What guy?"

"The snoring guy, duh," Navi said, "Wait…yup, never mind. It's Talon."

"Yay! The sleeping man!" Link exclaimed.

There was a rotund man sleeping on a pile of hay. He snored loudly enough to rattle the pictures on the wall. The room was full of chickens.

"How did you not hear him?" Navi asked, "Especially since it seems to have gotten louder than before."

Link put his fingers in his ears, "Is that even possible?"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Yes, Link. Didn't you _know_ that Talon's snoring gets _louder_ and _louder_ as time progresses?"

"Wow! No, I didn't!" Link's face lit up, "That's awesome! I wanna do that when I grow up!"

"Don't say things like that. After all, fate has a habit of making things like that come true. You might regret it later," Navi paused a moment, "Actually, no, _I_ might regret it later."

Link cocked his head, "Why?"

Navi pointed at Talon, "Link, why don't you wake him up?"

"Sure! Why not?" Link exclaimed.

Link raised his index finger and ceremoniously executed a decisive jab to Talon's side.

"Mumble…Mumble…"

"Maybe" Navi grinned sarcastically, "you should poke him harder…"

"Okay!" Link proclaimed as executed sharper poke.

Talon's reaction was immediate: "Mumble… Mumble… Giggle… Giggle… pffftt—! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA !"

Navi slapped her forehead, "Link that was too hard…"

"_Sheesh_," Link crossed his arms, "Touchy, touchy…"

"Hahahaha… Huh? I'm awake already!" Talon blinked.

"_Apparently_…" Navi muttered.

"What? Well, I'll be! If it ain't the forest kid from the other day," Talon exclaimed, "By the way, thanks a lot for waking me up! It took some doing, but I finally got Malon back in a good mood."

Navi raised her eyebrow, "Bad mood? She has a _bad_ mood?"

Link gulped, "…I don't think I want to imagine her in a bad mood…"

"I don' think I _can _imagine her in a bad mood," Navi said.

"So, what are you up to today?" Talon asked.

"Well, today, I've run away from a couple mobs, I've raided a corpse, and I still have to go off and find jewelry, probably complete various dungeons and puzzles, undergo the dangerous and the near impossible, and will likely have to save the worl—" Link replied.

"Got some free time on your hands you say?" Talon asked.

"What part of that schedule _implied _that he had free time on his hands?" Navi exclaimed.

Talon smiled, "Well how about a little game?"

"Game? I love games!" Link exclaimed.

Navi flew up to Link's face, "Link! If you keep being so submissive, then people are going to take advantage of you for the rest of your life!"

"Oh please Navi," Link rolled his eyes, "you're just being paranoid."

"These three cuckoos I have here are Special Super Cuckoos!" Talon explained as he pointed to the Cuckoos that were around him.

Link squinted at the Cuckoos behind Talon, "They don't _look_ very special to me…"

"I'm going to throw these Cuckoos into that there gaggle of normal cuckoos. If you can pick out the three Special birds from among the normal Cuckoos within the time limit, I'll give you something good. If you can't find them, I win. It'll be ten rupees… Want to play?" Talon asked.

"I already said yes," Link said.

"You have thirty seconds! Alrighty then, get ready, here go the Super Cuckoos! START LOOKIN'!" Talon threw the Cuckoos at the other Cuckoos.

Link managed to beat this easy mini-game. With some cheating help from Navi.

"Golly, I'll be darned. It's plum incredible! That's the last one. You found them all. Come on over here. Hey, you! You've got the talent to be one of the world's best cowboys," Talon explained.

"But I don't want to be a cowboy…" Link muttered to himself.

"How'd you like to marry Malon?" Talon asked.

"Ewww, no!" Link exclaimed, "I want _that_ even less!"

Navi sighed, "Wow, real mature, Link."

"Ha ha, I was just kidding! Just kidding. I think you're a little young for that, aren't you? Ha ha ha…!" Talon laughed.

"I don't know," Link said, "Am I too young to get married and have kids, Navi?"

There was a long pause.

"I'm very proud to present you with a sample of our very own Lon Lon milk. You'll be energized the moment you drink it. After you drink it, you can bring back the bottle and buy a refill anytime you want," Talon explained handing Link a bottle.

DUN UN UN UNN! Link received Lon Lon Milk! And even though Link has only seen horses at this ranch, there's a picture of a cow on it!

* * *

Link left Lon Lon Ranch and made his way to Kakariko Village. However, Link wandered in a random direction in the village and ended up in a graveyard. Link walked over to a large tombstone in the back of the cemetery. He wore a deadpan expression across his face.

"…Link…?" Navi said, "You haven't said a word since we left the ranch… What are you doing?"

Link walked over and saw a platform with the Triforce on it. He mechanically pulled out his Ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby. The sky grew dark. A downpour began and thunder could be heard. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning struck the large tomb, smashing it apart and revealing a hole. Link jumped down the hole.

"Okay, Link, you're starting to weird me out… Just tell me what's going on," Navi ordered, "Come on, say something already."

Link halted abruptly. Gradually, he cranked his head around to face Navi. His face was shadowed over. The whites of his eyes were more prominent than normal.

His lips cracked open and he uttered: "_I'm being possessed…_"

"_What?!_"Navi gasped.

Navi picked a bone off the ground and began bashing Link's head with it.

"Whoever is in there, get out!" Navi yelled.

"Hey! Hey!" Link covered his head with his arms, "I was just kidding! I'm not possessed! Hey, cut it out!"

Navi held the bone hesitantly, "Oh yeah, like I'm falling for that!"

She began hitting Link even harder.

"Ow! Hey, watch it!" Link protested, "How long have you been this strong?!"

Navi swung the bone, like a club, around her head a couple of times, "Appearances can be deceiving, you fiend!"

Link dashed forwards in an attempt to stop Navi from hitting him, however, she could fly as fast—or faster—than Link. She continued to pursue Link until he reached the back of the underground cave. At the end of this area, Link found himself yet another gravestone. How many of these things are there? Link pulled out his ocarina and ignored Navi's continuous bonking.

Link glanced from his ocarina clapped in his hands and then at the gravestone; "Maybe if I play a different song this grave will explode like the last one."

Navi stopped herself from hitting Link once more in mid swing, "…Okay, no one but Link would say something like that."

Navi threw the bone over her shoulder.

"Navi?" Link asked. "Can you read this stone for me?"

"Why should I? You just pretended you were possessed and scared the crap out of me," Navi snapped.

"Because I can't read?" Link pleaded.

"Nice try," Navi said.

"No, seriously, I can't read. I don't know how."

Navi stared at the blond boy.

"Grrr…Fine!" Navi moaned, "You really should learn how to read... Ahem. It says: 'This poem is dedicated to the memory of the dearly departed members of the Royal Family:  
A rising sun will eventually set,  
A newborn's life will fade.  
From sun to moon, moon sun…  
Give peaceful rest to the living dead.'"

"Bo_ring,_" Link yawned.

"Hey, you were the one who wanted me to read it for you," Navi said.

"Poetry is for losers."

"You just have no appreciation for the arts!" Navi huffed, "I'll have you know that this is a very _interesting_ poem!"

"I dunno… I never was much of a poet, so I can say if it's good or not," Link pondered, "But it's still boring."

"Link, you could never write in the first place," Navi sighed, "…Huh? Something is inscribed on the tombstone… It's the secret melody of the Composer Brothers!"

"And you know this _how?_" Link asked, pointing at Navi.

"…You don't want to know," Navi grinned evilly, then turned to the tombstone, "Ahem. 'Keep the sun's song in your heart'."

Link pulled out his Ocarina and… DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned the Sun's Song! Now he can change the time of day! Time flies when you're having fun ya know.

"'Restless souls wander where they don't belong, bring them calm with the Sun's Song'," Navi continued.

"_Navi_," Link moaned, flopping over, "why didn't you just read all the stuff the _first time _you were_ reading_ it_?_"

"Because more writings on the tombstone keep appearing after I finish reading it," Navi pointed at the appearing text.

Link went wide-eyed, "What?"

"Oh, it's doing it again. Ahem. '_Seven days_.'…Wait, never mind, it backspaced. Now it says '_Seven YEARS!'._"

"Seven years? What'll happen in seven years?" Link peered at the tombstone.

"It says: _'You will slumber…for SEVEN YEARS!'_ The rest is just evil cackling," Navi said, "I'm not sure how a tombstone can cackle, but it's doing it…"

"Pffft, like that'll ever happen," Link waved it off.

"Let's get out of here, Link," Navi said, "Now the tombstone only reads _'mwahahahahahahahahahahahaha'_ etc. And I don't talk to spammers."

* * *

Once Link and Navi exited the Graveyard, they found themselves in Kakariko again. So Link went exploring.

"Impa said that the Spiritual Stone of Fire is somewhere on Death Mountain," Navi told Link.

"I know, Navi," Link responded blandly.

"Well, maybe we should, oh, I don't know…actually _go there?_" Navi suggested.

"I'm working on it," Link told Navi.

"Some time today would be nice," Navi said.

"I said I'm working on it!" Link yelled.

"No, you're not," Navi said.

Link carried a cuccoo on his head. He threw the chicken into a nearby pen, while a woman standing nearby clapped in approval.

"Navi, just because I'm not going up there _right this instant_ doesn't mean that I'm not working on it," Link said.

Link crossed his arms.

"I'm doing sidequests, which are equally as important as anything else in story mode," Link turned his head towards Navi, "Don't you want me to get another bottle?"

Navi glared at the boy, "…_Come on!_"

Navi grabbed hold of Link's ear began to drag him toward the village exit. She dragged him up a set of stairs and up a slope. Death Mountain could be seen in the distance. Navi saw that there was a gate in front of the path. A guard stood beside the gate. She grumbled and shoved Link forward.

"Great," she groaned, "So, how much?"

"What?" the gate guard asked.

"I'm trying to bribe you," Navi snapped, "How much do you want?"

"Navi!" Link swatted Navi lightly, "That's dishonest!"

"Hey, it might work," Navi shrugged.

"No!" Link crossed his arms, "Trying to bribe a guard on duty is against the rules of Hyrule!"

"Rules of the land are generally called 'laws', Link," Navi said, "And it might work. Just lend me about 80 rupees."

"No! Bribing is bad!" Link glared at the fairy, "And besides, I only have 10 rupees!"

"Gah, fine," Navi sighed.

Navi shuffled through Link's pockets, and reemerged with Zelda's Letter.

"Hey—!"

"How about I give you this, instead?" Navi waved the Zelda's Letter in front of the guard, "It's not much, however, I bet you could a lot of cash from it on eBay."

"Oh, this is… This is surely Princess Zelda's handwriting!" the guard exclaimed.

"Please don't ask for my autograph," Link pleaded, "You have no idea what I've been through the past chapter and a half because of this stupid letter."

"Princess Zelda's autograph! This is worth more than anything else I own! Even more than my own son!" the guard gasped.

Link stared, "He just accepted a bribe!"

"Heh. Now, you get to keep the autograph and you'll let me and my pal through any time we want, right?" Navi asked.

"Wait! Let me just inspect it for authenticity," the guard said, "Let's see…Hmm… Okay…look's legit."

"Do we have a deal?" Navi asked.

"Navi! This is—"

"Quiet, Link."

"Well, the paper's authentic Royal Family stationery," the guard muttered, "I have some experience in these things…"

"You mean you've been bribed _before_?" Link gasped.

"Let's take a look inside…" the guard muttered, "Hmmm…? 'This is Link… He is under my orders to save my jewelry collection.'"

The guard grinned.

"Well? What is it?" Navi demanded.

The guard burst out laughing, "What kind of funny game has our princess come up with now? Ahh, I'd recognize this writing style anywhere. Alright, fairy, you and your bud can pass through. I'll be sure to remember this."

"That's Mademoiselle Fairy to you," Navi said, "And if you ever forget our arrangement…you know what'll happen to you…and your family."

The guard tipped his helmet, "Of course."

"Come on, Link. Let's go," Navi said.

"But…but…but—!" Link protested.

"I said 'let's go'!" Navi snapped.

Navi seized Link's ear and dragged him forwards again. The guard stamped the ground with the butt of his spear. The gate creaked open.

"Okay, okay, all right. You can go now… Just be careful, Mr. Jewelry-Saver. And of course, may you have a safe journey, Mademoiselle Fairy," the guard bowed.

"I'm going to report you!" Link hollered.

* * *

As Navi towed Link up the Mountain, the boy continuously struggled to break free.

"Navi! That's not right!" Link exclaimed, "What you did back there was as dirty as something Mido would do!"

Navi sighed, "Link, there are much darker and slyer people than Mido ever could be."

Link gasped, "Tha-th-that's not _possible!_"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Besides, I got us onto Death Mountain! What more could you want?"

Link glared at Navi, "For you to have done it with honesty, with honour, and above all, with the heart of the cards!"

"Oh please, Link," Navi sighed, "Even though the original game was in Japanese, we're in an English fanfic. There's no such thing as honesty, honour, or the heart of the cards here."

Life drained out of Link's face, "Nooooooo!"

Link pulled off his wooden shield, and hid behind it. Navi turned around.

"Uh-oh," Navi gulped.

Link peeked out from behind the shield, "That's right! See my shield and TREMBLE!"

"No, Link," Navi slapped her forehead, "Your shield! It's made out of wood!"

Link lowered his shield, "So?"

"Link, we are headed to the terrible and ominous Death Mountain," Navi pointed at the mountain, "Now, the Deku Tree once told me that Death Mountain is an active _volcano._"

"…So?"

"Your shield will burn and die," Navi said.

Link hid behind his shield again, "Nooooo! Not my shield! It cost me forty rupees!"

"Hmmm…" Navi paused, "We'll have to upgrade you to a metal shield to go up the mountain…"

"Bu-bu-but where can I get a metal shield?" Link whimpered.

Navi smirked, "Don't worry… I have an idea…"

* * *

"Ohhh…" Link frowned, "I never wanted to come back here…"

Navi deposited Link on the ground in front of her.

"Back so soon, Mademoiselle Fairy?" the guard smirked.

"You have sources…" Navi turned to the guard, "I need to know where I can buy this idiot a shield…"

"A shield? Oh, I know just the place," the guard said, "But, of course, that information is going to cost you."

"Of course," Navi nodded, "Name your price."

"Have you ever been to the Happy Mask Shop that just opened in Hyrule Castle Town Market? Everyone is talking about it," the guard explained, "At least, everyone within…_certain circles…_"

Link blinked, "But I've _never_ heard anyone talk about it."

"That's because you're not in any circles," Navi said, "Now, quiet, Link. If you know what's good for you."

"You see, there is a popular mask there. And I am quite interested in getting this mask for…uh, my little boy. Yes, my little boy," the guard said.

"Aww, that's so sweet!" Link said, "Gee, you must be nicer than I thought you were."

"You still haven't told us how to get a shield," Navi said.

"Well, when you go to Market Town to get this mask for me, uh, I mean, my _son,_ it would be worth your time to stop by the Bazaar," the Guard said, "They sell the shield you need there. Tell the owner I sent you, and he'll give you what you want."

"You won't be disappointed," Navi said darkly.

"Yeah! We'll get that mask for your son!" Link said.

"Alright, Link, let's go," Navi said.

"I'm sure his son will be very happy!"

"Shut up, Link."

* * *

Link and Navi arrived in Market town with Navi in the lead. Link was still prattling on about how a man who wants to give his son a gift couldn't possibly be completely evil, even if he did accept bribes.

"After all, I'm sure if I report him, Zelda will let him off with a pardon," Link said, "Maybe a warning at most."

"Link, you have no idea what you're talking about," Navi said, "Let's head to the Happy Mask Shop first."

"Okay!"

Navi led Link across the plaza to a very brightly coloured building. Link thought he heard Navi mention something about a 'nice cover' but he didn't know what it meant, so he ignored it. He opened the door and wandered inside, only to find it was dim and not nearly as bright as it was on the outside. The back wall had a shelf lined with masks, while the man behind the counter looked up and grinned at the two of them.

"Ah, welcome, dear customers," the Happy Mask Salesman said, "Is there anything…_particular_…that you're looking for?"

"Yeah! I know a guy who wants to give the Keaton Mask to his son!" Link smiled.

"Wait, with a grin like that…I get the sense that you will be an annoying pain in the patooshie in this fanfic's sequel," Navi muttered.

"What are you talking about?" the Salesman grinned, "This fanfic is way to lame and boring to ever have a sequel. Let alone a complete one."

"Anyways, do you have the mask?"

"Of course," the Salesman grinned, "When you deliver this mask, please send the guard my regards."

The Happy Mask Salesman handed Link the Keaton Mask.

"Look, Navi! It's so yellow!" Link grinned.

"How much?" Navi asked the Salesman.

"Nothing…for now," the Salesman grinned.

The Salesman then disappeared into the shadows of the store.

"…All you have to do is believe…"

* * *

Navi and Link then made their way to the Bazaar, just across the corner. The exterior was much simpler. A burly man stood behind the counter—he did not look the sort to be easily intimidated.

"That must be our contact," Navi said, "He doesn't look the sort to be easily intimidated."

Link approached the counter.

"Hello thar, little matey," the man grunted, "What can I get fer ya, today?"

"We were sent by the gate guard in Kakariko village to get—"

The big man paled. He looked around the shop and lowered his voice.

"Here? Now? But yeh can't! Not in front of the customers!"

"What customers?" Navi asked.

The burly man dropped to his knees.

"Please, please don't kill me!" he begged, "I know I owe the guy, but yeh can't bump me off! I have a wife an' three young 'uns waitin' a' home. Waitin' fer their papa to come home!"

"Uhhh…." Navi said, "I think there's been a misundersta—"

"I'm begging ya, sir, and kind Butterfly! If yeh have any 'eart at all, find it in yer 'earts to spare me!"

"I'm not a butterfly, you buffoon," Navi snapped.

"You never told me you were a butterfly, Navi!" Link gasped.

"Of course not, miss," the man blubbered, "'Twas my mistake. I dun' know anything. I ne'er knew anything. I didn' know what I was sellin' or sellin' it to."

"Look, we've come for a shield," Navi sighed, "Not your life."

The man's face lit up. He raised himself off the ground and grabbed a shield from the wall. He bowed numerous times as he shoved it into Link's hands.

"Oh, thank ye! Thank ye, Kind Butterfly and kind sir!" he said, "I won't ever ferget yer kindness ta me! Take the shield, take it! No charge!"

"But I'll feel bad if I don't pay…" Link started.

"No, kind sir, I won't 'ave it any other way!" the man's eyes watered.

"Just take the shield, Link," Navi said.

When they exited the store, the burly man held the door open for them. He bowed profusely and uttered many more thanks as they exited. After he shut the door, he put a 'Closed' sign up in the window.

"Well, that was nice of him to give me this shield," Link said, "But it's too big for me."

"Shut up, Link," Navi snapped, "You got it for free, so don't complain."

* * *

Link and Navi returned to Kakariko Village, they went directly to see the gate guard. He stood at his post, whistling innocently.

"We're back," Navi said.

"Do you have the goods?" the guard asked.

Navi jerked her thumb at Link. Link wore the Keaton mask. He pranced up to the guard.

"Heh, do you think you're in disguise, Mr. Jewelry-Saver?" the guard smirked, "I see you got the Keaton mask for me, er, for my _son._"

"I'm sure your son will be very happy now," Link handed over the mask, "Say hi to him for me!"

"Your information was accurate," Navi said, "We've brought you the mask as agreed upon."

The guard put the mask on his face.

"You're true to your word, Mademoiselle Fairy," the guard said, "I'm certain my _son_ will be very happy with this. Oh, and this is for you, Mademoiselle Fairy."

The guard slipped some rupees into Navi's hand.

"None of this ever happened," the guard looked around.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Navi said, "Link, to Death Mountain."

"Okay! Bye, mister gate guard!" Link waved.

The gate guard waved back as they headed up the slope.

"His son will be one happy little boy!" Link grinned.

"Link," Navi said, "He doesn't _have_ a son."

Link gasped, "You mean?"

Link looked down the hill at the guard a second time. There was a strange evil glint coming from the eyes of the Keaton Mask. Link's eyes widened. He sprang at Navi.

"Navi! Don't you ever, ever, EVER bribe guards again!" Link yelled, "Never! Promise me you'll never talk to that guy—especially that guy—ever again!"

"But Link, it's handy!" Navi protested, squashed under Link's hands.

Link glared at the glowing ball in his hands.

Navi sighed, "_Fine._"

* * *

Link began his trek up the treacherous trail to Death Mountain. The slope was a gentle incline, the sun was shining, there was a cool breeze—everything was going smoothly. Until he reached a part in the trail where there was a large boulder, that is. This boulder was around the size of a house. In front of the large boulder was a rotund tan-coloured object. It was shaped much like a gourd, save for its vast size. Link approached the large boulder, and was about to take a closer look when the gourd-shaped object set itself upright, stood up on a pair of legs and began speaking to our hero.

"I'm one of the Gorons, the stone-eating people who live on Death Mountain," the creature told Link.

"Wow!" Link exclaimed, "I can believe it! Not only is it alive, but it eats rocks too!"

"…Uhhh…" Navi looked from Link, to the Goron; the Goron looked mildly offended.

"Navi!" Link tugged on Navi's wing, "Can we keep it?! _Pleeeeaasssee?_"

"Look at this huge boulder over there!" the Goron gestured towards the rock, "It blocks the entrance to the Dodongo's Cavern, which was once a very important place for us Gorons…"

"Once?" Navi asked, "But not anymore?"

"But one day, many dodongos suddenly appeared inside the cavern. It became a very dangerous place," the Goron assured her.

"But you just said it's called Dodongo's Cavern," Navi said, "Doesn't that imply that there were Dodongos there to begin with, making it an already dangerous place?"

"…" the Goron paused, "_Any_ways, on top of the appearance of the Dodongos—"

"Which were there from the start," Navi interrupted.

"—a Gerudo in black armor used magic to seal the entrance with that boulder!" the Goron put his hands on his hips, "If you want to hear more Goron gossip head on up to our city. Goron city is just a little bit farther up the trail. It won't take much longer to get there, even on foot."

Link's face lit up, "They even gossip too!"

"Thanks for your advice…" Navi sighed, "But I think we'll manage on our own…"

"Oh, okay!" the Goron forced a smile.

Link tapped the Goron on the shoulder, "But Mister Goron, sir, if you eat rocks, why don't you just eat this one?"

Link pointed over his shoulder to the boulder. It looked sturdy and solid…like every other rock in the area. To break the awkward silence that ensued, Navi grabbed hold of Link's ear again, and dragged him up the trail.

* * *

Link entered Goron's City against his will. Navi had him by the ear still, and dragged him through the entrance before letting him go. Once she had let him go, he immediately took advantage from his newly found freedom and ran onto a small platform.

This platform was suspended over the heart of the city by three thick ropes and nothing else. Navi flew after him. Link made himself comfortable on the platform. Suddenly, he noticed a Goron standing beside him. The Goron gazed intently at an empty pedestal. The Goron sighed and glanced to the side. He jumped at the site of Link, and fell off the platform.

"Whoops," Link muttered.

Somehow the Goron made it back to the platform, looking disheveled.

"Hey!" the Goron exclaimed, "It's dangerous for a little like you to come out here. You might fall down! If I'm not mistaken, you came out here to eat the red stone."

"Whoa! How did you get out here? I mean, there is no way you could have tightrope walked over here!" Link shouted.

"Yes, we _are_…" Navi replied, "We _only_ came out onto this little chunk of a rockto dig our little fangs into some _red stone,_ while we hope not to shatter our teeth."

The Goron glared at Navi, "Well, too bad. It's not here."

"But that's not why we're here," Link told the Goron.

"What? That's not why you're here?" the Goron asked.

"Seriously, does it look like we're out here to eat rocks?" Navi asked, "Sure, we're looking for the Spiritual Stone of Fire, but—"

"You're looking for a 'Spiritual Stone'? You must mean the delicious-looking red stone that was once displayed here," the Goron exclaimed.

Navi examined the Goron from head to toe, "It's a good thing you didn't get to the Spiritual Stone before it was taken, or else the princess would—"

"What happened to the Stone though?" Link asked, "If you didn't eat it, then that means that it's gotta be around here somewhere…"

Link started a thorough search around the platform.

"I was so hungry that I thought it would be okay to give it one tiny little lick… So I snuck out here. But it was already gone!" the Goron explained.

"It didn't fall down here…" Link was now crawling around on the ground, "And there's nothing else around here except this stupid pedestal…"

"I wouldn't be surprised if one of these other boulders hijacked it already…" Navi pointed to other Gorons below.

"I think Big Brother took it away. He always says that everyone is after that red stone. Big Brother has shut himself up in his room saying: 'I will wait here for the Royal Family's Messenger'," the Goron explained.

"Hmmm…Perhaps we can bribe this 'big brother' to give the stone to us…" Navi said.

Link glared at Navi, "_No._"

The Goron scratched his head, "I wonder why I never thought of that."

"Come on, Link, we've got to try something," Navi said.

"Fine, but no more bribing!" Link exclaimed.

Link, in a burst of determination, jumped off the platform. There was a resound splat-like sound that echoed throughout the city. Fortunately this only knocked off two and three-quarters of Link's hearts. After the boy scavenged the city's pottery for hearts, Link decided to sooth his aching feet on a plush carpet.

"Hmmm, this carpet's outside a sealed door," Navi said, "Link, I think you're resting on someone's doormat."

"I don't care," Link muttered, "You and your 'We have to try something!' caused me to almost break my legs."

"Please, you couldn't break your legs in this game if you tried," Navi said, "Anyway, I wonder if this is the door to the room of this 'big brother' that the Goron was talking about?"

"I don't care, my toes are in Nayru's Haven," Link grinned, "Look at them wiggle all happy-like. Navi, I should buy a carpet like this."

"I wonder…that guy said that his 'big brother' would only open the door for the Royal Family's Messenger…I wonder," Navi muttered, "Link play your ocarina!"

"Why?" he whined.

"Because, even though we're not her royal messenger—we're her jewelry collectors—we could probably impersonate someone important," Navi said.

"Fine!"

Link pulled out his ocarina and played Zelda's Lullaby. The sealed door slid open slowly. It was very dark inside. Link crawled in slowly.

"Link, what are you doing?" Navi asked.

"My feet still hurt," Link answered.

Navi and Link entered. Once inside, they saw a stone room with sparse furnishings. At the far end of the room, Link saw a muscular Goron. His face was twenty times more intimidating than that of the average Goron. This was probably due to crabby expression, and his overgrown beard.

"Look, Navi, that Goron has a forest for a beard!" Link whispered loudly.

"What the heck? Who are you?" the larger Goron demanded.

"Hi there!" Link said on all fours, "I'm Link! And this is Navi!"

"Hmm," Navi paused, "Judging by his somewhat authoritative posture and the fact that he has is _own_ room… I'm assuming that you are this 'Big Brother', we've heard about? Now, from what we understand, you've taken the Spiritual Stone of Fire into your custody. We're wondering if you're willing to hand it over to us."

Link paused, "Ummm, Navi? Could you repeat that, but _slooowwlly?_"

The Larger Goron blinked, "When I heard the song of the Royal Family, I expected their messenger had arrived, but…you're just a little kid!"

"See, I told you it wouldn't work," Link said.

"Well, if you had looked a little more _important_ and _official_, instead of crawling on the ground, it might have worked," Navi snapped.

"I resent that!" Link put his hands on his hips, and landed flat on his face.

"Actually, I'm older of the two of us," Navi flew over to the Goron's shoulder, "Now, about the Spiritual Stone. I think we can arrange a trade, for a _small_ _fee?_"

"Has Darunia, the big boss of the Gorons, really lost so much status to be treated like this by his sworn brother, the King?" The Larger Goron asked, "Now I'm _really_ angry! Get out of my face, now!"

Navi turned red and began bobbing up and down, "I'm willing to offer you a perfectly reasonable bribe! Yet you keep responding to whatever we say with such negative and rude comments! Why are you so snappy?"

"Navi, stop that," Link tried to snatch Navi from the air, "You promised!"

"Are you asking why I'm in such a bad mood right now?" Darunia snapped.

Navi flew up to Darunia's face, "That's generally the definition to snappy!"

"Ancient creatures have infested Dodongo's Cavern; we've had a poor harvest of our special crop, bomb flowers; starvation and hunger because of the rock shortage!" Darunia snapped, "But…this is a Goron problem. We don't need any help from strangers."

"Oh yeah!? You think _that's bad?!_ Then listen to what's happened to me!" Navi hissed, "I've been assigned to a complete idiot of a Kokiri; the Great Deku Tree died; I've inherited all his money, yet I can't go on a shopping spree because some messed up Princess told Link here to go get her jewelry! But when the tables finally turn, and I get to bribe us into getting up this stupid mountain, not only do I have to swear never to bargain with the Black Market again, but now I'm listening to some grumpy Goron complain about some itty bitty problems that no one really cares about!"

"WHAT?!" Darunia screamed, "I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT AGAIN!"

"_Love to!_" Navi hissed, "I've been—"

"Okay, okay, _clam down,_" Link stood between the two, "Why don't we all take a _deeep_ breath and listen to a _nice_, _quiet _song."

Link rummaged through his pockets and pulled out his ocarina. He then played Saria's song the two arguers. The camera crew closed in on Darunia's face, where he had a mixed expression plastered. Suddenly, Darunia broke out into a large grin and began dancing wildly on the spot. Link, not expecting this reaction out of this particular Goron, slowly backed away, while Navi found herself mindlessly bobbing up and down to the catchy beat of the tune.

"Oh! Oh-oh!" Darunia exclaimed.

"Hey, that actually kind of worked!" Link smiled.

"Wait, you're right," Navi said, "You've managed to calm down this lump of clay with just this song. What made you think of doing it?"

"Come on!" Darunia grinned, "Come on, come on, come on!"

Link shrugged, "Saria used to play this song after Mido and I beat each other up, or got in a really bad fight."

"Really?" Navi asked.

"HOT! What a hot beat!" Darunia danced on, "Whoaho!"

"Yeah. But Mido's dance moves were much worse than his," Link pointed at Darunia.

"Yeahaw! Yahoo!" Darunia exclaimed.

Perhaps it was the dance Darunia had done, or perhaps it was a mess up down by the camera crew, but the when the camera was swung upside down it had somehow had gotten stuck in position. And, though it took a few minutes to take into effect, the gravity of the world swung itself around to fix itself with the camera. Link, Navi, and Darunia all fell towards the ceiling.

Though no one could see it, it was later discovered that this disaster effected the entire Land of Hyrule. There were several horror stories that resulted from this incident. Link got up off of his back and looked up to the floor.

"What the heck happened?!" Link rubbed his behind.

Darunia paused, "…I can't say this has happened before… I hope it doesn't last…"

"You hope it doesn't last?!" Navi asked, "The world's _just_ been turned upside-down, and you can't _FIX_ it?!"

"Of course not!" Darunia said, "What would you do in this situation?!"

"What about the people outside?!" Link yelled. "They are now falling into nothingness!"

"The sky, Link," Navi said, "Not nothingness."

"I am open to any suggestions you may have," Darunia stated.

"I've got one!" Link yelled, "Do something!"

"Well… At least that was a nice tune! Just like that, my depression was all gone," Darunia grinned.

"…That's not very productive to our current situation…" Navi said.

"Something came over me," Darunia said.

"Umm, let's see," Link paused, "Oh yeah, the _ground_?!"

"Suddenly, I wanted to dance like crazy," Darunia said.

"We don't bloody care! Get us off the ceiling!" Link and Navi screamed in unison.

"I might be able to solve this if you destroy all the monsters in Dodongo's Cavern," Darunia explained.

"What?!" Link huffed, "Destroy them all? That would take a really, really long time! Like, hours!"

"More like years, Link," Navi turned to Darunia, "Besides, the Dodongo extinction is not on our list of things to do, thank you. Last time I checked the King of Hyrule had listed them under the Protected Monsters Act enacted in the ninety-eighth year."

"It would solve our starvation problems," Darunia said, "And I would give you anything you wish for."

"That's not high on our list of our priorities right now," Navi pointed to the floor above them.

"You're just trying to get rid of us, aren't you?" Link asked.

"What? Would you rather stay on the ceiling forever?" Darunia asked.

"…Fine, we'll do it…" Link sighed, "I'm kinda bored anyway."

"Link, there are plenty of things one can do on the ceiling," Navi said, "For example, watch fires burn up the wood on their torches."

Navi pointed to a torch in the corner of what used to be the floor. Sure enough, the flame that was there previously was now burning out of control up the wooden post. Link sighed, turned and climbed up to the edge of the entrance.

"Wait! I'd like to give you this for your troubles. If you wear this, even a little fella like you can pick up a bomb flower using 'A'," Darunia called out.

Link paused, "…What in Farore's name is 'A'?"

"Link, 'A' is the beginning letter of the English Alphabet," Navi explained, "Though, I'm not quite sure what it has to do with what we were talking about."

Link blinked, "Navi?"

"Yes, Link?"

"What's 'English'?" Link said.

Navi paused, "…I have no clue…"

Before anyone could say anything more, Darunia threw something like a football through the air and…DUH DUH DUH NUUUUUUHHHH!Link received Goron's Bracelet! Though it's a fashion accessory, it's not very creatively decorated…

"Destroy the monsters in Dodongo's Cavern and become a real man. Then we can talk about the Spiritual Stone," Darunia said.

"Be-Become a _real man?!_" Navi stuttered, "Link's thirteen! He can't become a real man for _five more years!_"

"Yup," Link said, "He's trying to get rid of us."

When Link walked out of the room he was in, he found himself plummeting towards what used to be the ceiling. Navi grabbed hold of Link's ears and pulled so Link wouldn't lose too many hearts when he fell. When Link landed, he found that several of the other Gorons around the city were wandering about aimlessly. Many of them were quite puzzled.

"Let's go inside Dodongo's Cavern using a bomb flower," Navi's body jolted when she said this, "This is not good…"

Link paused, "But if we use a bomb flower, like you said, the we should be able to blow up the rock outside the entrance."

"That's not the problem now, Link," Navi said, "The entrance to the cavern is now attached to the ceiling of…'outside' I guess would be the appropriate word…"

"Oh, now that is a problem," Link snapped his fingers, "Maybe you could fly out there and solve the dungeon by yourself! Yeah! That'll work!"

"Can't be done, Link," Navi said, "You're the hero in this story, not me."

"_Riiigghhhtt…_" Link said, "Could carry me then?"

"Link, don't be ridiculous," Navi said.

"Fine," Link said, "I'll just sit here then until we're back on the floor again."

Link was about to sit cross-legged on the ceiling when Navi grabbed hold of Link's ears and flew outside with him. Navi, losing her grip a couple of times, and having to catch the falling Hylian, flew over to the entrance of the cave.

The cave was standing wide open and our heroes figured that the rock must have fallen into the sky once gravity had been turned upside down. Navi placed Link on the ceiling of the cave's mouth, and together they ventured into the dungeon that lay beyond…

* * *

When our heroes entered this cavern—Dodongo's Cavern to be exact—they found themselves in a sticky situation. Not only was the entire dungeon upside down, and had lava falling down from above, but the bomb flowers, chests, and puzzles all remained plastered to the ceiling too.

This, as you can imagine, made the entire dungeon almost impossible to beat. However, Navi was with Link, and since her small body had an unreal amount of strength, Link was able to get through this dungeon even though he wasn't supposed to.

Anyways, after a long battle with a giant Dodongo, Link stepped into the blue light that appeared in the center of the room, and was warped outside. Link noticed that he was not falling to his untimely death, and our heroes found themselves quite relieved. Darunia fell from the sky.

"It's me, Darunia! I've finally got the gravity set right!" Darunia grinned.

"We can be thankful for that," Navi panted.

Navi flew into Link's hat. As anyone could tell, Navi was exhausted from carrying the little thirteen-year-old around an entire dungeon.

"But wait…" Link pointed toward the entrance to the cavern, "We technically never destroyed the boulder blocking the hole… What happened to it?"

Darunia shrugged as the boulder continued to orbit around the planet.

Darunia turned to Link, "Well done!"

Darunia started beating on his chest, in a similar fashion as you would expect from a gorilla. Darunia then patted Link on the back with such force that he fell over from impact. Navi swore.

"Thanks to you, we can once again eat the delicious rocks from the Dodongo's Cavern until our stomachs burst!" Darunia said.

"Is that necessarily a good thing?" came from Link's hat.

"What a wild adventure. It will make an incredible story…" Darunia paused.

"You'd better believe it," Link lifted up his arm from the ground, "What with the ceilings and stuff."

"I can't believe that the Dodongos suddenly appeared in such great numbers," Darunia said.

"Well, now that Link and I have effectively destroyed the breeding program enacted to preserve the species…" came Navi's muffled voice.

"And that big rock blocking the cave… All this trouble must have been caused by that Gerudo thief, Ganondorf! He said: 'Give me the Spiritual Stone only then will I open the cave for you.' You on the other hand risked your life for us…" Darunia said.

"You're worried about _that?!_" Link's hat yelled, "We just had a global crisis for Farore's sake!"

Darunia paused for a second, "Kid, I like you. How's about you and I become Sworn Brothers?"

Link sat up, "But Navi did all the hard work…"

"Look mister!" Navi flew out of Link's hat, "We have yet to go on our shopping spree in Hyurle Castle Town. Not to mention we're being employed to get jewelry for a princess. We frankly don't have time for any big, long ceremonies in our schedules—"

"Oh, no, there's no big ceremony involved, just take this as a token of our friendship!" Darunia smiled.

Darunia raised his hands up to the sky, and… DUH DUH DUH NUH NUH, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH! Link got the Spiritual Stone of Fire!

"Brother, you keep brushing up on your skills as you travel, won't you? You should go see the Great Fairy on top of Death Mountain. She will power you up," Darunia said.

"Okay! Why not?" Link smiled, "After all, I've seen a lot of fairies before, so this one shouldn't look much different!"

"Say, if Darunia gave you the Spiritual Stone as a token of friendship, and he's Sworn Brothers with the King…" Navi paused, "Does this mean that Darunia has multiple Spiritual Stones of Fire?"

"Uhh…." Darunia bit his lip.

"And does this mean I'm brothers with the King now, too?" Link gasped, "That would make Zelda my niece!"

Darunia paused, "Erm, hey everybody, let's see off our Brother!"

Darunia turned to the sky. All of a sudden a Goron fell down. And another one. Navi deduced that these Gorons were ones who had fallen to the sky earlier, and had just fallen back down. Instead of being dead, like one expected, the two Gorons uncurled and approached Link with their arms open.

"You did great," the Gorons exclaimed, "How 'bout a big Goron hug?"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Link screamed, "Why does everyone keep wanted to mob me?"

Link bolted in the general direction of Kakariko Village. Unfortunately, a third Goron fell from the sky, uncurled, and came toward Link, effectively blocking his way. Link then made a sharp turn, and headed up the trail to flee from the crowd.

What Link didn't know was that this pathway led to the summit of Death Mountain, where this 'Great Fairy' lived. So Link kept charging away from the crowd of Gorons until he eventually went straight into the fountain where this fairy lived.

* * *

When Link entered the Fairy Fountain, he saw a pedestal with the Triforce symbol on it. Link stood on the symbol and played Zelda's Lullaby. Suddenly, out of the center of the fountain, a large woman with pronged, pink hair, twirled out from the water, shrieking like a witch.

The camera panned over the woman's body to reveal that the only clothing that this woman wore was a long pair of boots, and a sparse layer of vines that covered her entire body. She strutted her lack of clothing openly in front of the innocent child before her.

"Welcome, Link!" she smiled suggestively, "I am the Great Fairy of Power."

"EGADS!" Navi yelled.

"She's dressed worse than Impa!" Link screamed.

Navi flew in front of Link's face and covered his innocent eyes.

The 'Great Fairy' spoke louder, "I am going to grant you a sword technique. Receive it now."

Navi glared at the woman, "You're severely underdressed in front of a minor! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"Oh, the pictures in my head!" Link moaned, "_Make them stop!_"

"…When you charge the power from a spin attack, magic power will be consumed. Pay attention to your green magic meter," the 'Great Fairy' said, "Hey boy, you're a messenger of the Royal Family aren't you?"

Link clawed Navi's hand from his eye for a second, "Why should I tell you?!"

"…I can tell. Next time you're in their neighborhood, you should drop by on a friend of mine who lives by Hyrule Castle. She'll surely grant you another new power," the 'Great Fairy' said.

Navi cringed at the sight, "It wouldn't be so bad if she was at least _moderately pretty_…"

"When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me," the woman said.

"_Never!_" Link shook his fist.

And thus the 'Great Fairy' shrank away back into the center of the fountain—shrieking. Navi unclasped her hands from Link's eyes and they went outside. What they found, to their displeasure, was that Random Owl perched on a sign.

"Hoo Hoot! Well, it looks like you've grown up a little from the Great Fairy's power…" the Random Owl stated.

"Really?" Link smiled, and then promptly tried to measure himself.

"Wait! You _again!?_" Navi said, "You really are a stalker!"

"Stop calling me a stalker!" the Random Owl protested.

"Look, a stalker qualifies as a person, or in this case, animal, who follows a person around," Navi said, "And we've seen you on our journey, in more and more places—too many places for it to be a coincidence anymore. I'm sorry, you random owl, but you are the flying definition of a stalker."

"Yeah!" Link piped up.

"…But you still don't look like the hero who will save Hyrule. At least not yet!" the Random Owl said.

"Stop ignoring me!" Navi yelled.

"If you are going back down the mountain, I can lend you a wing!" the Random Owl said.

"Fine… I'm bored of being up here," Link said.

"L-Link!" Navi protested, "He's a stalker! We can't encourage this kind of interactio—"

"Come here and grab my talons. Hold on tight! Hoo hooooot!" the Random Owl hooted.

Link walked underneath the Random Owl's legs, and grabbed hold of his talons. With Navi following close behind, Link flew down to Kakariko. The Random Owl set Link down on top of a building in the village. Before the Owl flew away again, Link stuck a bomb in his talons.


	5. Chapter 5: Zora Telepathy

**Chapter 5  
**

* * *

_**What would happen if Ruto was telepathic?  
**__Wonder no more! In this fic you'll see how one little mistake changes the whole storyline!_

* * *

Where we last left our heroes, Link flew to Kakariko village. Yes, flew. But this was because he had exploited the Random Owl's good nature to carry him back down Death Mountain. At this moment, Link was deposited onto a random rooftop, and the Owl was flying away. Link paid no attention until there was a loud explosion in the distance.

"I wonder if Saria knows anything about the other Spiritual Stone," Navi jolted.

Link blinked, "How could she?"

Navi regained her composure, "Link, Saria has had more brains and a larger repository of random knowledge than you'll ever have. Why do you suddenly doubt her?"

"First off, no Kokiri has ever left the forest except me!" Link started counting on his fingers, "Second off, she's a Kokiri, how would she know anything about jewelry, especially rare stuff that the Princess wants us to get? And third off, she's on vacation with her camper van and people on vacations don't like being bugged!"

"Link, how do you know that?" Navi asked, "As far as I can tell, you've never been on a vacation in your life."

There was silence for a few seconds. Link decided it would be best not to tell Navi about the time when he walked in the middle of Mido's vacation in the Lost Woods. Or what Mido looks like with cucumbers on both eyes.

"And besides," Link huffed, "how can we contact her?"

"Well, you've recently learned how to play Saria's Song…" Navi said, "And you do have Saria's Ocarina (somehow), so maybe when you play the song, then they'll resonate with her. Kinda like a cellphone."

"Oh! Good idea!" Link exclaimed.

Link played Saria's Song.

"Hey!" Navi jolted again, "Do you want to talk to Saria?"

Link paused, "Didn't we just decide this?"

Navi turned red and flew into Link's hat. Link, having nothing better to do, put the ocarina up to his ear. He heard a dial tone.

"Navi?" Link asked as he kept his ear to the mouthpiece.

"Yes, Link?" Link's hat said.

"What's a cellphone?" Link said.

The hat paused, "I have no clu—"

"_Link? This is Saria, can you here me?"_ a familiar voice came from the ocarina.

"Yep," Link said, "Loud and clear."

"_That's good,"_ the voice said, _"I was afraid that this tree root wouldn't work as a receiver…"_

"Hey, Saria," Link looked at his fingernails, "do you know about the Spiritual Stones? We're collecting them for Princess Zelda."

"_Are you collecting Spiritual Stones?"_ the voice asked.

Link dropped the ocarina, "HOW DID YOU KNOW?!"

Navi's head peeked out from Link's hat, "You just told her, dimwit."

Link picked up the ocarina again, "Oh."

Navi flew over to one of the holes, "Anyways, we only have one more to find, do you know anything about it?"

"_You have one more to find? You mean the Spiritual Stone of Water, don't you?"_ the voice said.

"Yep!" Link exclaimed.

"Something like that," Navi replied.

The voice pondered this for a moment, _"The Great Deku Tree once told me that the King Zora, ruler of Zora's Domain, has it."_

Navi smirked, "That's how!"

"Oh shut up," Link said.

"_What?"_ the voice paused.

Navi sighed, "Never mind."

"Saria?" Link asked.

"_What is it, Link?"_ the voice responded.

"What's a 'Zora'?" Link asked.

The voice paused, _"Hmmm… Well, that's kinda hard to explain—"_

"Never mind, Saria. I'll tell him," Navi said into the ocarina, "Don't trouble yourself."

"_Oh… Okay… Talk to you later! Saria out!"_ the voice cheered.

There was a distinct clicking sound heard on the other end. Link pocketed the ocarina.

Link turned to the fairy, "Well, what's a 'Zora'?"

Navi rolled her eyes, "You'll figure it out eventually. Asking now is pointless. Anyways—"

"Why?!" Link whined.

"You'll find out as soon as we get to Zora's Domain! Now stop asking questions—" Navi said.

"But I wanna know now!" Link whined.

Navi glared at the Kokiri, "Link, stop being a pain."

Resentful, Link whipped out his ocarina. He started playing Saria's Song, until Navi flew into one of the holes and made the last note played the wrong pitch.

Link glared at the blue ball, "What now?!"

"Link! It's rude to call a person without a good reason!" Navi said.

Link blinked, "It is?"

Navi rolled her eyes, "_Yes!_"

Link gazed at the ocarina, "Well… The reason I have is good enough!"

Link started playing Saria's song again.

"GAH! FINE! I'll tell you!" Navi yelled.

Link smiled, "Okay!"

Navi knew that now Link had dropped his guard. She flew down and snatched the instrument from Link's hands. She then floated over him so she was just out of Link's reach. However, this didn't stop him from hopping up and down to try and retrieve the ocarina from her clutches.

"Hey! No fair!" Link bounced on, "Gimme!"

"I'm confiscating this from you!" Navi exclaimed, "For being rude and irresponsible to your own best friend!"

Link glared at the fairy, "What are you, my mother?"

"N-_no!_" Navi turned red, "Even if we were the same species, I'd have to be fifteen to be your mother!"

"How old are you?" Link started counting on his fingers, "Fifteen plus—"

"BESIDES!" Navi interrupted, "You're the main character! And in this franchise, that automatically means that you're not allowed to have a mother!"

Navi turned her back on Link.

"So there!"

Link eyed the ocarina, and tried retrieving it a couple of times before lowering his head. He began grumbling to himself. That is, until he spotted a small, bright yellow dot in the distance. Link squinted. Sure enough, this bright yellow dot was a mask on a person's face…a person who stood by the entrance to Death Mountain. An evil glint in the mask's eyes could be seen from where Link stood. Link shuddered.

"H-h-he's never going to take that mask off, is he?" Link shivered.

"Who?" Navi turned around.

Link gulped, "The gate guard with the mask…and the imaginary son…"

Navi sighed, "Okay, Link, maybe that guy does have a son! And besides, we'll never know whether he does or not, because its obvious that he wanted that mask for himself."

Link blinked, "But then why would he say it was for his son?"

"Say, Link, let's go find some Zoras, okay?"

Link gulped and slowly nodded before he leapt off the roof of the building and exited Kakariko Village.

* * *

From then on, Link headed through Hyrule Field and headed to the Castle Grounds. He seemed to be wandering aimlessly as he sneaked past the blind and deaf guards to blow up an inconspicuous rock. This, in turn, opened up to a small hole in which he could crawl through. When inside, the layout looked suspiciously familiar to the Fairy's Fountain up on Death Mountain. Link walked onto the Triforce pattern on the floor.

Link held out his open hand, "_Well?_"

Navi glanced at their surroundings, "Link, this place looks very similar to—"

"I know that," Link moved his open hand closer to the blue ball, "Give me the ocarina anyway."

"Link, do you honestly want to see another 'Great Fairy' like the last one?" Navi asked.

"Look, not all fairies are the same!" Link put his hands on his hips, "You are a prime example of that!"

Navi turned red, "What is that supposed to mean—"

"I USED to think," Link said, "all fairies were nice, pink, little glowing balls of happiness that always healed you from death. But when I got my own guardian fairy, it woke me up to go shopping, made me meet a crazy princess, disapproved of my pet choices, and even started beating me atop the head with some dead guy's remains."

Navi flew ominously closer to the boy, but Link continued before she could do anything to him.

"I'VE LEARNED," Link said, "that stereotyping is not only inaccurate, but leads to very not-nice circumstances! What I'm saying is that maybe not all Great Fairies look like that previous, freaky one!"

Navi gaped, "…I'm not sure whether to beat you up, or be proud of you."

"Now, give me the ocarina so we can make sure!" Link held his hand out again.

Navi looked at the ocarina, and then at Link, "No."

With that, Navi flipped over the ocarina she was holding, and flew over the Triforce pattern on the floor. She then played Zelda's Lullaby to the best of one's ability when one has such short arms. Out from the center of the fountain arose another tall woman who, not only was wearing the same getup as the previous one, looked identical to the one on Death Mountain. She came shrieking out of the fountain, in a fashion one would expect from a witch who had just eaten a farm full of chilly peppers.

"AAAAHHH! MY MOUTH! IT BURNSSSS!" the 'Great Fairy' screeched, clawing at her tongue in vain.

There was a long and awkward pause.

Link grabbed Navi's hand and slapped it to his eyes, "AUGH! Why don't I listen to you more often?"

"That's a very good question," Navi paused.

"AAAAHHHHH! Hmm?" the 'Great Fairy' then turned to our two heroes, "Errr… Which one of you played the Song of the Royal Family?"

"That would be me," Navi raised her hand briefly before Link slapped it back on his eyes.

"Ahh…Okay then…" the 'Great Fairy' coughed, "Welcome, Navi."

Link paused, "How do you know our names?"

"Oh, that's easy," the 'Great Fairy' smiled, "We Great Fairies use email each other so we know who, how, and when you are coming."

"Oh! That's not fair!" Navi huffed, "You scantily dressed women getting all the technological advantages."

"What's _'email'_?" Link asked.

"Errr…" the 'Great Fairy' gulped, "Ummm… Your civilization is not supposed to know that until the twenty-first century…"

"The twenty-first CENTURY?!" Link exclaimed, "And what year are we in, the one hundreds?!"

Navi glared at the suspicious person, "Who the heck are you?!"

"I am the Great Fairy of Magic!" the 'Great Fairy' replied.

Navi paused, "I meant from which era are you from…"

The 'Great Fairy' paused, "…I will give you a magic spell! Please take it!"

A diamond-shaped object dropped from above and Navi got Din's Fire! A magical artifact that at the cost of some magic power can let out a fiery blast wave!

"You can use Din's Fire not only to attack, but to also burn things!" the 'Great Fairy' instructed.

Link peeked out from Navi's hands, "Hey! That's kinda cool!"

Navi looked at the 'Great Fairy', "Are you trying to turn me into a budding pyromaniac?"

"Errr…When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me!" the 'Great Fairy' told Navi.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Why of course, _fellow pyro_. I'll come here _every day_."

The 'Great Fairy' winked, "Great! See you then!"

Navi hovered in stunned silence as the 'Great Fairy' shrunk back into the center of the fountain.

Link had his gaze fixed on the object, "How come you get Din's Fire?"

"I'm guessing that it was because I played Zelda's Lullaby, instead of you," Navi said.

"But I _want it!_" Link wailed.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Whatever, you're supposed to be the hero in this story."

Navi tossed Din's Fire down to Link.

"Yay!" Link said.

Din's Fire landed and bounced off of Link's head. This somehow activated its magic process and a fiery dome began to engulf the room. Neither of our heroes expected this and the result was a burnt and broken Fairy's Fountain. Link body wound up looking half charcoaled, and most of his clothes had burnt holes in them. However, Link managed to save his hat from any major damage. The charred Kokiri looked at his hat.

"My hat… it's safe…YESSSS!" Link's mouth cracked into a smile of unintentional glee.

"…I'm not sure what to say to this," Navi paused as she watched the Kokiri dance.

Navi thought it was high time for Link to go and actually continue his quest, so she somehow managed to convince the boy to head off.

* * *

When they got back to Hyrule Field, Navi pointed to a mouth of a river, and managed to convince the boy to head swim up it. It wasn't long until they reached dry ground, and were stopped by a familiar voice.

"Hoo Hoo! It looks like you've gotten bigger and stronger already, Link!" the Random Owl exclaimed.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Link exclaimed.

"Wait…" Navi paused, "If Link _has_ gotten bigger, then I haven't noticed at all. How can you tell?"

"I have my sources…" the Random Owl smirked, "Just ahead lies Zora's Domain. The Zoras serve Hyrule's Royal Family by protecting this water source."

Link flopped into a slouch, "You sound like a boring teacher on a field trip…"

Navi blinked, "Link, what's a field trip?"

"I have no clue," Link said.

"Their door will not open for anyone except those who have some connection with the Royal Family," the Random Owl continued.

"That is us!" was Link's attempt to get the owl to go away.

"I wish guns were invented," Navi muttered bitterly.

"Let them hear the melody of the Royal Family. Hoo hoo hoot!" the random owl said.

The Random Owl flew away.

"But we already knew that!" Link yelled at the bird.

"You never know!" the Owl called back in retaliation.

Link and Navi groaned as continued heading upstream. They eventually came to the end of the road when Link approached a large waterfall. Our heroes then noticed the a Triforce symbol on the ground.

"Ahem?" Link held out his hand once more.

"Give up, Link. I'm confiscating this until you stop pestering people by finding out what a Zora is," Navi said.

"Navi, whenever there's a three…triangle thingy on the floor, like here," Link pointed to the Triforce symbol, "it means that I'm supposed to play the song of the Princess. I need it to continue on my quest."

But Navi was a stubborn fairy: "Not until you find out. Here."

Navi then put the ocarina to her mouth and played Zelda's Lullaby. Suddenly the waterfall parted from above, and revealed a hole in the side of the cliff. Navi flew in.

Link was soon to follow, however as he began to leap forward, the gap in the waterfall closed. Link's head was in between the waters and what resulted was the severe dousing of a certain protagonist's head. With his hat and hair soaked, and what seemed like buckets of water crammed down his ears, Link glared at the faint blue light that still flickered behind the falling waters.

"_Naviii!_" Link screamed.

Navi rolled her eyes as Zelda's Lullaby echoed from behind the waterfall. As soon as the waters parted, the dripping Kokiri boy charged through the opening and screeched to a halt. Link glared at the fairy.

"Thank you," Link growled.

Navi sighed, "Link, if it makes you feel any better, now I have damp living quarters to return to."

Only partly satisfied, Link headed through the hole in the cliff side and ended up in a cave-like area. Within it was a waterfall connected to a large pool of water, with a couple of roadways curving off into other rooms. Link, having no particular desire to get wet again, ran around until he found an area that looked somewhat more regal.

There was an elaborate gate and what sat in the center of it was an extremely overweight aquatic creature. It was garbed in a single red robe that draped around it like a cape. On it's head was a jewel. Before it was a platform from where people were assumed to talk to it. It was safe to assume that if these Zora people had a noble family, this one would be the King.

Link raised an eyebrow, "Is this a Zora?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Navi shrugged, "Not much to write home about, if you ask me."

"Are they always this ugly?" Link paused.

"Not always," Navi said, "if you want to see a regular Zora, then go to your left and talk to that tall thing atop of waterfall. But if, for some reason, you want to see the Princess, Ruto, then you have to go to Lake Hylia and retrieve the sunken bottle, show it to the Zora King here, then get a fish, show said fish to Lord Jabu Jabu, proceed to get eaten by Lord Jabu Jabu, complete a bit of the dungeon and you should come across her."

Link's jaw unhinged, "And how do you know THAT?!"

"Err…" Navi bit her lip, "Pretend you didn't hear anything…"

Link walked over to the opening to the left, "Okay! I'll take your strange advice and talk to the other Zora who's supposed to be this way!" Link sighed, "That is, if he IS there…"

Navi hovered on the spot, "Whatever. Have fun."

"Oh, my dear sweet princess Ruto…" the King muttered to himself, "Where has she gone? I'm so worried…"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Didn't you hear me when I said she's in the belly of Lor—I mean…Uh-oh…"

The King eyed the fairy with suspicion, "What was that?"

Navi looked side to side, "In the…in the….in the belly of Lorgoriontheiga!"

"And what, pray tell, is a Lorgoriontheiga?" the King Zora said.

"Oh, no no no no, you don't quite understand," Navi said, "'In the belly of Lorgoriontheiga' is slang for 'somewhere I, or you, or we don't know'."

"Seems like quite the pointless phrase for that statement," the King scoffed, "It would be much simpler if one would just say 'somewhere I do not know'."

"Well, er, that's not the only phrase 'in the belly of Lorgoriontheiga' is associated with. It can also mean 'something that doesn't concern me, or you, or us'!" Navi chuckled.

The King huffed, "Quite absurd."

Link walked back from the left of the room.

"Hi!" Link waved, "What'd I miss?"

"Well, frankly, in the belly of Lorgoriontheiga!" The King Zora said.

"Wait, what?" Link asked.

The King leaned towards the boy, "In the belly of Lor-gor-ion-thei-ga."

Link cocked his head, "Excuse me?!"

Navi chuckled nervously, "Oh, I'm sorry, sire, I forgot that it's only slang for us fairies. It's highly popular amongst us, but all the other races of Hyrule frankly don't know it."

The King turned to the side, "Hmf! Quite absurd indeed!"

"_Wha—?_" Link blinked.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Ahh! Never mind! Lets go see that Zora on the left again!"

"But I was just over there!" Link pointed behind him.

"_Liiiiinnnkkk…_" Navi glared at the Kokiri.

"I don't care what you say or do," Link sat on the floor and crossed his arms, "I'm not going back!"

"What if I threw your precious ocarina into the deepest depths of Lake Hylia?" Navi pulled out the ocarina.

Link eyed the blue fairy, "You wouldn't have the guts!"

"Oh yes, I would!" Navi flew over to the left.

"Hey! Come back here!" Link had trouble standing back up.

"Come and get me!" Navi's voice echoed through the corridor.

As soon as he possibly could, our little hero bolted after the crafty blue fairy. He charged through the hallway where he had just come, and failed to notice that this was where the top of the waterfall started. Navi, holding the boy's ccarina tauntingly, flew past the ledge, and out a few meters from the spraying waters. Link, however, didn't notice how Navi's body was not hovering over solid ground. He dashed straight for her. When he stood before her, it seemed like a split second of time went by before Link realized his current situation and began to fall. Navi's peels of laughter seemed to trail behind him as he fell feet first into the waters below.

There was a loud 'splash' that echoed throughout Zora's Domain. When Link realized what was going on, he was promptly distracted by a couple of rupees that had sunk to the bottom of the pool. Link felt his wallet—empty. After he scrounged around the bottom of the pool to get some quick pocket change, he headed back up to the ledge to go after that pesky fairy. His soaking wet body dripped when he walked, and his boots made a weird squishing sound when he walked. Unfortunately, when he finally was back up top the waterfall, the Zora who stood there stopped him.

"Hey there kiddo!" the Zora smiled, "That was some excellent swimming!"

"Gah! What now—" Link said.

"As prize for getting all the rupees below…" the Zora rummaged through his fins.

"Look," Link breathed heavily, "You're a nice honest guy, right? You have a family and friends, right?"

"Um, yes?" the Zora paused.

Link glared at the Zora, "How would you like all that to end? Huh?"

There was a long and disturbing paused. DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Silver Scale! A silvery scale that Link obtained through threats! Remember kids, _threatening people is good_!

"With that, you'll be able to go into…heheheh…deeper water…" the Zora chuckled nervously, "Have a nice day?"

"Thank you!" Link growled, pocketing the scale.

Link turned to Navi, who was trying her best to control her snickering.

"Now, give me back that ocarina!" Link held out his hand, menacingly.

Navi looked at Link, and at the ocarina, "No. It's an effective way of blackmailing you to continue your quest."

"Wait, WHAT—?!" Link yelled.

Navi's glowing body zipped down below the edge of the waterfall. Link dashed to the edge of the waterfall, crouched down, and glanced over just in time to see the fairy zip into a hole at the bottom of the waters that Link had not noticed before. Link used the most obscene language he knew—which wasn't as obscene as one would expect due to Link's minuscule vocabulary. Link was about to turn around and take the driest path to said hole when a quick gushing current swept his feet out from under him, and flung him off the ledge. There was another loud 'splash' the echoed through Zora's Domain.

* * *

Link dove down into the hole and found that he ended up in a gigantic lake. This, he knew, was the infamous Lake Hylia that Navi had threatened to throw his ocarina into. Link looked around as best as he could with his sore eyes. He noticed four pillars of stone before him and submerged halfway. Link saw Navi flying by an object at the base of one of these pillars. For some reason, she had turned herself green, and flew around the object without any means of oxygen supply. Link hesitantly swam after the fairy as Navi reemerged to the surface.

"Oh, hello there," Navi giggled, "Did you have fun while I was gone?"

"GIVE…ME…BACK…THE…" Link yelled as he used the last of his strength to try to claw at Navi.

"Ocarina?" Navi asked, "Sorry, but I dropped it beside the bottle down there. I _hope_ you don't mind."

Link glared evilly at the fairy as she dove back under to the object she swam around before, which was apparently a bottle. He dove towards her vibrant green body and grabbed ocarina. Or, so he thought, until he reemerged and held the bottle in his hands. DUN UN UN UNN! Link got a Bottle! Wait… There was something in it…

"Huh, what's that?" Navi said.

"I don't know, and frankly don't care…" Link snarled, "I want my ocarina!"

Link started to submerge, until Navi grabbed hold of his ear.

"Well, it looks like there's a note in there," Navi stated, "So find out what it says before you go get the ocarina."

"But I can't read—"

"Just give it a try!" Navi snapped.

Link rolled his eyes as he pulled out the note, "It says: Blah blah blah, blah blah…"

"Aren't we the most happy-go-lucky of people today?" Navi said.

Link glared at Navi.

"There _is_ more," Navi pointed to fine print at the bottle of the note.

"I'm telling you Navi, I can't read!" Link said.

Link handed the note to the fairy.

Navi sighed, "'P.S. Don't tell my fa—thhhheeerrr!'"

Navi's wet fingers slipped on the paper and the note fell back down to the bottom of the pillar.

"Ha!" Link said, "In your face!"

"Whatever," Navi said, "You're going to have to go get it back."

"No," Link huffed, "I've done enough of your 'continue on your journey' work, and I don't care whether or not I complete this quest. It's too hard, anyway."

"But Link," Navi said, "You're ocarina's still down there."

What Link said next was too evil and incoherent for anyone but himself to understand properly. Link took a breath and clawed at his ocarina. But, unfortunately, the game insisted that our little hero grabbed the paper note instead of the ocarina. The game designers then dictated that he must automatically swim back to the surface. DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Paper Note…again! A note with secret…ahem, Link swam back under and grabbed the ocarina. DUN UN UN UNN!Link retrieved Saria's Ocarina! A cute ocarina that was held for ransom by a certain fairy for the past thirteen pages! Link resurfaced.

Link took long, deep breaths, "…That…lake…is **deep**…"

"Well noted, genius. Now stop hyperventilating and get that not to…" Navi turned to look at the note, "…Wait a minute…"

"What…_now_…?!"

"How did this _paper_ note stay _dry_ when it fell into the _water_?"

Link took a closer look at the note. Sure enough, the note remained dry as a bone.

"I don't know…" Link paused.

* * *

Link went back through the hole, ignored the squeaking of his shoes until he stood before the King once more. The King examined him from head to toe in startled awe more than anything. Link groaned and opened his new bottle, and showed its contents to the King. The King gazed at the empty bottle blankly. Link paused, and then realized that the note was no longer inside the bottle. Link blushed, pocketed the bottle, and gave the note to the King Zora.

"Ho! This letter! It's from Princess Ruto!" the King Zora exclaimed.

"It is?" Link asked.

"Apparently…" Navi said.

"But all it says is 'blah blah—" Link started.

"Hmm… Let's see… She's inside Lord Jabu-Jabu? That's not possible!" the King Zora continued.

Link slapped his cheek, "You mean Navi's prediction was _right?!_"

"_Shh! Play along!_" Navi whispered, "Now, why wouldn't it possible?"

"Our guardian god, Lord Jabu-Jabu, would never eat my dear Princess Ruto," the King Zora said.

"…God?" Link paused, "Jabu-Jabu is a _god?_"

"_Quiet!_" Navi hissed.

"But, most deities, especially Din, Nayru and Farore, remain unseen so their whereabouts are unknown," Link whined, "If that's the case, then how could this Princess Rito, or whatever, get eaten, or write this note in the first place?"

There was a long pause.

"Is there any way that would make him eat her?" Navi rolled her eyes.

"Well… Since that stranger, Ganondorf, came here, Lord Jabu-Jabu has been a little green around the gills…" the King Zora said.

"Well, there you go!" Navi said.

"Ganondorf… Isn't he the guy Princess Zelda took his jewel from…?" Link pondered.

Navi glared at the Kokiri, "_Shh!_ Do you _want _to get mobbed again!?"

Link gasped and slapped his hands on his mouth in horror.

"The evidence seems clear. Of course, you'll go find Ruto," the King Zora decided.

Link lowered his hands, "But _whhhhhhyyyyyy?_"

"Shut up, Link!"

"You can pass through here to the altar of Lord Jabu-Jabu," the King Zora pointed behind him.

Link examined the fenced wall behind the King. There was absolutely no opening that Link could see on either side of the King Zora.

After a long pause, Link asked, "Where?"

"This hole behind me," the King said.

Link gaped, "There's a hole behind you?"

The King Zora eyed the boy warily, "Yes."

Link squinted: sure enough, there was a sliver of an opening behind the King Zora's arm.

"Huh. I didn't notice it because you were so fa—" Link started, but was promptly bashed atop the head by Navi, "Owwww…"

"Pardon me?!" the King Zora exclaimed.

Navi flew up desperately to the King's face, "Fatuablitilus! Because you're so fatuablitilus!"

The King rolled his eyes, "Is it also some of your _fairy slang?_"

"No, no, no, not quite, your highness," Navi stalled, "It's Kokiri slang for 'absolutely fabulous'!"

Link cocked his head, "It _is?_"

Navi glared at Link.

"…It_ is!_" Link chuckled nervously, "Of course, how could I, uh, forget?"

The King rolled his eyes, "Young ones these days. Oh well. I'll keep this letter, you keep the bottle it was in. Take it respectfully."

"Okay!" Link exclaimed.

"…Wait…" Navi paused, "How'd you find out about that the note was in the bottle?"

"Please find my dear Princess Ruto immediately…" the King Zora said, "Zora."

That was when the King Zora started edging his body over to the side of the ledge he sat upon. And certainly took his sweet time doing so. He moved to the audience's right hand side. Thus starting the longest unimportant cut scene in the entire game. Which the audience must watch—unfortunately.

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…" said the King as he shuffled to the side.

"It's obvious that he's avoiding the question," Navi huffed.

"Navi… I don't understand…" Link paused.

"What is there to not understand?!" Navi asked.

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…" the King Zora continued to shuffle to the side.

"How come the King said 'Zora' just before he started shuffling over to the side?" Link asked, "And now saying 'mo-eep' over and over again?"

"Maybe it was a translation error," Navi said, "After all, this videogame was originally translated over from Japanese."

Link's eyes widened, "It _was?!_"

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…" the King Zora was still shuffling to the side.

"Yes, it was, Link," Navi explained.

"Navi?"

"Yes, Link?"

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…"

"What's Japanese?"

"I have _no_ clue…"

"Mo-eep, mo-eep, mo-eep…" the King Zora finished getting over to the side, "Now you can pass through."

"Yay! Finally!" Link exclaimed, "Thanks Mister—"

"…How?!" Navi exclaimed, "Instead of blocking the entrance behind you, you're blocking the entrance to the walkway so we can't get through!"

Link took a closer look at where the King Zora sat. Sure enough, the King was sitting on the walkway so Link couldn't walk over to the gap in the wall behind the King even if Link wanted to.

Link's smile dropped right off his face, "Hey! That's right! You mo-eeped the wrong way!"

The King paused, "Whoops. Pardon me."

"Link, Mo-eep is hardly a word by itself," Navi sighed, "So, therefore, there's no such word as 'mo-eeped'."

The King Zora started scuffling over to the audience's left.

"What kind of word is 'mo-eep' anyway?" Link muttered under her breath.

"It's the sound he makes as he shuffles to our left," Navi said, "And since this was a Japanese game, it's just a—"

Link kicked the ground, "Japanese, Shapanese! Hylian's so much more awesomer and stuff."

It was a form of cruel and agonizing torture: because the Game Designers had not predicted that the King Zora would shuffle the wrong direction, the camera still focused on his majesty as he scuffled back along the path in which he came. And since the King had traveled the wrong way, he now had to shuffle twice the distance he normally would have. And as the game dictated, the main character had to stay plastered to the spot. This would have been okay, maybe a little annoying for some, however the Game Designers did not take into account Link's extremely short attention span. When the Zora King finally finished going over to the correct side, Link was flopped on the ground, and looked undead from the boredom.

"…Blahoogeelowynfimablah," gargled from Link's throat.

"Link, he's finished," Navi said.

Link's joy could not be expressed in mere words.

"Squeeeeeeeeee!" Link squealed.

His hyperactive little body whizzed through the many winding corridors as he let his ADHD run wild. Navi, unaware of what she unleashed, had no choice but to try her best to stay close to the boy.

* * *

When the little Kokiri had finally worn himself out, Navi noticed that they had ended up in some sort of shop for the Zoran people. Link sprawled himself out on the floor and watched his blue fairy fly in circles above him.

"_Haaaaa_…_hoooooo_…" Link wheezed, "Oh man…that was…so…_awesome_…"

Navi's body jolted suddenly, "It seems Princess Ruto has somehow gotten into Jabu Jabu's belly!"

Link blinked, "No duh…Navi… You were…the one who knew…that before the King saw that…note…!"

"Oh, I know that, Link," Navi sighed, "I'm sorry, it's just that sometimes when you press the up button command, I start spewing out this obvious nonsense that I don't even _want_ to say!"

Link's jaw dropped, "Wait, _whaaaa?_"

There was an awkward silence.

"Errr…" Navi turned to the Zora behind the counter, "How much for that fish!"

"Hmmm, well let's see," the Zora shopkeeper took a fish in a bottle off the shelf, "Based on the size of this beauty, and the sleekness of those scales, I'd say around 5 000 000 Gald."

Navi hovered on the spot, "_Uhhhhh…_"

"Wow, that sounds expensive," Link sat up and opened his wallet, "I wonder if I can afford it…"

"What the heck is this '_Gald_' you speak of?" Navi said.

"Huh?" the Shopkeeper said.

The Zora grabbed a thin book of loosely stapled together papers and opened it up. This must have been his script book. The Zora Shopkeeper skimmed through his lines wearily. Then he flipped the script closed, and glanced at the cover.

The Zora peered closely at the script, "Oh, wait a second, this one says 'Tales of Symphonia' on it. Whoops, wrong fandom."

The shopkeeper threw the script over his shoulder and then bent behind the counter. He dug through a shelf unseen by Link and Navi, and the Zora tossed various items behind him while doing so.

Navi retrieved the other script, "Tales of Symphonia, huh?"

"Yeah," the Zora's head peeked out from the bottom of the countertop, "It's a Gamecube game with a story filled with plot twists, changing of gears, self-proclaimed angels, and generally good game play."

Navi flipped through the script, "Oh yeah? I've been thinking of getting a Gamecube for a while now…"

"Gimme that!" Link snatched the script from the fairy, "What's a Gamecube, anyway?"

"How'd you even get a hold of this?" Navi asked.

The Clerk shrugged, "If you're a flat and static character like me, acting for two different fandom stories isn't all that bad. Besides, the pay's good."

The Shopkeeper's hand reemerged from behind the counter. Another loosely stapled together script with the words 'Ocarina of Time: Totally Messed' printed on it was lodged between his fingers.

"Ah ha! Here we go!" the Zora stood up, "Okay, which page are we on…"

"I dunno…" Link shrugged, "I'm acting a character who can't read anyway."

"Link, you're so useless!" Navi snapped, "Anyways, you've never told us how much that fish is."

The Zora flipped through the pages, "Chapter 5 page 19, chapter 5 page 20—Ah, here we go!" the Zora cleared his throat, "1000 rupees."

"Wwhhhhaaaattttt?!" Link bellowed, "That's just robbery!"

Navi shrugged, "Hey, look on the bright side. At least if you suddenly decide to go traveling to other worlds within the next few days or so, we'll know the exchange rate between currencies…"

"But N-Navi…" Link sniffled, "I don't have that much… I only have t-ten rupees…"

"Bah, fine, let me handle this," Navi sighed, then flew over to the countertop, "Mr. Fish Guy, how's 900 rupees sound to you?"

"Madame, I'm not an idiot," the Clerk said, "If you think you can bargain down the price to ten rupees from one thousand, you're sorely mistaken."

Link walked up to the counter, "But you were the one who was reading the wrong script."

"Shut up, kid."

Out of the corner of his eye, the Shopkeeper saw Navi steal Link's bottle, swoop over, and grab the fish off the shelf. DUN UN UN UNN! Navi stole a Fish! What a _fishy incident_… Navi then zipped out of the store as fast as her little wings could carry her.

"Come back here!" the Shopkeeper yelled after her, "You rotten little—"

"THIEF!" Link joined in, "I learned in a previous life that stealing a 900 rupee bow is _dishonest_!"

"Oh! That's right! You're still here!" Shopkeeper said, "That means you can pay for it!"

Link looked at his wallet, and then looked at the door, "Uhhh… Hey, wait up, Thief!"

"HEY!"

Link bolted out the door and soon found himself running along side Navi. Together they ran into the chamber where the King Zora sat, and ran through the opening that had been opened behind him.

* * *

Link then found himself at a large body of water, and a large platform in front. The Zora's Fountain, Link would find out later. Unfortunately, this platform could not be used for viewing the scenery or to go fishing since there was a gigantic whale-like creature that had closed his lower jaw on the edge of the platform. Fortunately, Link was not one for viewing scenery. Link hopped into the body of water, for the boy was now getting used to the idea of getting unnecessarily wet. Behind the monster of a fish there were a couple of islands attached to the Cliffside, one of which had explode-able looking rocks. And since a certain side-kick's destructive tendencies kicked in, Link was then forced to blow open the rock and go through the pathway behind it.

* * *

Through the hole, our heroes found themselves in a familiar looking setting… There was a large fountain of water, and a Triforce symbol on the ground.

"Oh great," Navi sighed, "Not another one of _these_."

"Now, now, Thief, just because the first two were almost naked, maybe this one will be different."

"Link, I very much doubt that," Navi said, "And stop calling me thief."

Link muttered "…_Racist_…" under his breath.

Link played Zelda's Lullaby on the Triforce symbol. Instantly, a large woman, who looked identical to the other two, rose up out of the fountain. Link covered his eyes.

"Welcome Link! I am the Great Fairy of Magic!" the 'Great Fairy' told Link.

"OH, FARORE!" Link yelled, "Not again!"

"Wow, two sluts of women in one chapter?" Navi asked, "You really _are_ unlucky, Link."

"…I will give you a magic spell. Please take it, you ungrateful child," the 'Great Fairy' said.

DUN UN UN UNN! Link received Farore's Wind! A green diamond that resembles Din's Fire, only it teleports you places instead of doing damage…and doesn't do as good a job as it sounds…

"Remember, you can use Farore's Wind only in dungeons that have a dungeon map hidden inside, okay?" the slut of a fairy winked.

"No, it's not okay! This is a lame item!" Link threw Farore's Wind to the ground, "It can only teleport me in dungeons?!"

"No, it is not lame!" the 'Great Fairy' slut protested, "It is very useful when you save, turn off the power, and want to teleport to the room you were previously in!"

"I suppose that is useful in a way…" Navi pondered, "However, it would be much better if Link randomly woke up in Kokiri Village, and then could instantly warp to Hyrule Castle."

"Yeah! See!" Link exclaimed, "Wait, Thief, what do you mean by 'saving' and 'turning off the power'? Power to what?"

Navi paused, "I have no clue."

"Whatever," Link turned to the 'Great Fairy', "I bet that, out of all the fairies, you're the lamest!"

"Hmph! I take offence to that!" the 'Great Fairy' muttered, "Ungrateful child."

"Honestly!" Navi put her hands on her hips, "Would it kill you to put a shirt on?"

"No, not necessarily," the Slut of a Fairy said, "But frankly, we Great Fairies take pride in how little we dress in without changing the rating of this game."

"…We did not need to know that…" Navi slapped her forehead.

"…When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me," the 'Great Fairy' winked at Link.

"NOOOO!" Link yelled, "Don't look at me! Though I can't see you, I can still feel you looking at me!"

However, Links screams were in vain since the 'Great Fairy' had already began to shrink away. Link, upon noticing this, exited the fountain.

* * *

Link decided it would be a good idea to stand in front of the gigantic whale-like creature. And that was precisely what he did. Link took the fish in the bottle from Navi.

"Link, what are you doing?" Navi asked.

"Maybe if we drop this fish in front of Jabu-Jabu, then he'll eat us up, like he did the Princess Rito," Link uncorked the bottle.

"It's Ruto, Link," Navi said, "And besides, that's not such a good idea. I don't know about you, but being digested was not on my list of things to do today."

Link loosely recorked the bottle, "Look, Theif, in order to save the princess, I'm pretty sure that the game designers intended us to jump inside, and also, we have nothing else to do with this stolen fish. So, at the very least, we'll be continuing story mode, disposing of the stolen goods, and promoting cannibalism. What more could you want?"

Navi sighed, "Link, are you sure that Jabu-Jabu wouldn't just open his mouth for us if that is what the game designers want us to do?"

"Nope!"

Link pulled out his sword, and started slashing about wildly onto Lord Jabu-Jabu's lips. Even as Link slashed, they remained shut. Link then turned around to face Navi, ignoring the blood trickling down the cracks in Jabu-Jabu's lips.

"We're in a Legend of Zelda game, Thief!" Link said, "Things are _never _that straight forward!"

"Alright then, fine," Navi said, "Just hurry it up before the Zoras come out and see what you just did to him. And stop calling me Thief."

Link opened the bottle and dumped the fish on the ground in front of the gigantic fish. As it flopped about, Jabu-Jabu blinked, opened his mouth wide, and started sucking everything nearby inside. The fish went flying forward, and Link and Navi soon followed.

* * *

After zipping through the air, Link landed squarely in the middle of Lord Jabu-Jabu's tongue, with Navi falling a few feet behind him. Link sat up, and looked at his hands—covered with saliva. Link shook his hands wildly and stood up.

"Uhhh…" Navi flew up wearily, "What happened?"

Link wiped his hands on his tunic, "Hit me if I think of another stupid idea like that again, Thief."

"With pleasure, Idiot," Navi smiled.

"Oh, gross," Link pinched his nose, "Jabu Jabu's breath _stinks_…"

"Link, let's get going," Navi dodged a drop a saliva that fell from the roof of Jabu-Jabu's mouth, "It'd be a pain to stay here longer than we have to."

"That's easy for you to say… you don't have to walk around on this stuff!" Link said.

Link lifted up his foot. The bottom of his boot was covered with the clear ooze, and made a squelching sound as he lifted it.

"Who's idea _was_ this?" Navi asked, "The exit is over there."

Navi pointed to the closed jaws of Jabu-Jabu. His sharp teeth dripped clear ooze by the bucket.

"Fine, fine," Link groaned, "I'm going."

Link proceeded through the throat, evaded the stomach, and ended up in one of Jabu-Jabu's lungs. There were several jellyfish monsters, which for some reason, could shoot off electricity. Link evaded these, and found a small Zora person. It looked different from the other Zora in that it had a head in the shape of a hammerhead shark, but besides that, was pretty similar to the others. Link ran up to it, and could determine that it was indeed female, mainly due to the pitch of her voice.

"You!" the Zora girl said.

"Who, me?" Link blinked.

"Yes, you!" the girl said.

"Whaddya want?" Link said.

"Who are you!?"

"I'm Link, the first Kokiri to wander outside the forest and live!" Link exclaimed, "And this is Thief! She stole a fish! Pleased to meet ya!"

"Actually, my name is Navi."

"Sure, whatever, Thief."

"I am Ruto, Princess of the Zoras," the Zora girl said.

"Oh, _you're_ Ruto? This is great!" Link grinned, "Sure, she might not be in the first castle, or the first room, but she's pretty close to the entrance!"

Navi rolled her eyes, "The King Zora was looking for you."

"What?!" Ruto exclaimed, "Are you saying my father asked you to come here and save me?"

"Pretty much," Link said.

"Wait, we never said that!" Navi exclaimed.

"It was extremely obvious," Ruto crossed her arms, "After all, that's all he was thinking about!"

"No he wasn't!" Navi exclaimed, "Tell her, Link!"

"Actually…." Link bit his lip.

Ruto ignored this, "I'd never ask anyone to do such a thing! Save me…_honestly!_"

"Oh!" Link flung his arms behind his head, "A princess who doesn't want to be saved! That makes things even _**easier!**_"

"L-Link! You're not helping!" Navi turned to Ruto, "What about the letter in the bottle?!"

Ruto raised her eyebrow, "_'Letter in a bottle'_? I frankly have no idea what you're talking about!"

"See?" Link smirked, "Knew getting that note was pointless."

"B-but your father is worried about you!" Navi said.

"My father is _worried_ about me? I don't care!" Ruto began looking around the room, "Anyway, I can't go home right now."

Link slouched, "You mean we have to come back _later?!_"

"And you…" Ruto turned to Link, "Get out of here! Understand?!"

This command took Link completely by surprise. Without thinking, he stood and saluted her.

"Yes ma'm!" Link said.

With that, Ruto turned her back on Link, and walked away from him. But because she wasn't looking at where she was going, she fell down a hole.

"Ooooh_ nooooooo!_" was how Ruto screamed as she fell.

"Aw man," Link sighed, "It's gonna be a pain to get her back up, I just know it."

"Why are there holes in here, anyway?" Navi looked around, "What is Jabu-Jabu, a _chain smoker?!_"

Link sighed, and leapt down the hole. Even though she had only fallen a few seconds before, she was already walking towards what looked like a door.

Ruto turned around, "Are you still hanging around here?!"

"Yeah," Link shrugged, "Pretty much."

"I told you to go away!" Ruto snapped.

"But you just fell down a six meter hole!" Link exclaimed.

Link flung his arms up to the hole from where they had fallen. Sure enough, if it weren't Legend of Zelda, that jump would have been fatal.

Navi turned to Link, "So did you…"

"I'm okay," Ruto's cheeks turned a different colour, "I've been going inside Lord Jabu-Jabu's belly since I was little, but…Lord Jabu-Jabu is very strange today…"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait," Link said, "You've been in here _before!?_ Out of your own free _will?!_"

"Yes, is it so impossible to believe?" Ruto huffed.

"Dude!" Link exclaimed, "You have got to be the first princess who has gotten herself kidnapped because you wanted to!"

"For the last time, I'm not kidnapped!" Ruto exclaimed.

"What is with Hyrule and it's crazy princesses!?" Navi asked.

"Ignore her," Link lowered his voice, "Theif's got a bit of a princess phobia. Which is understandable considering first princess we met was…_welll_…."

Ruto looked at Link for a few minutes, and then turned away from him, "Don't compare me to her!"

Link blinked "…_Huuuuuhhhhh_…?"

"First the electrified jellyfish and strange holes around…" Ruto muttered, "Then two idiots who think the most atrocious things…!"

"Link, stop calling me Theif already! And another thing!" Navi turned to Ruto, "Don't compare you to _who!?_"

"On top of that, my precious stone was…but…that's none of your business!" Ruto huffed, "Anyway… You! Go home now! Understand?!"

"She sure likes bossing me around, doesn't she?" Link asked.

"_Daaaww_," Navi cooed, "Someone's playing hard to get…"

"Shut up!" Link glared at the fairy, "Anyway, Ruto, are you _sure_ you'd like to stick around here?"

"Are you that worried about me?" Ruto blushed.

Link paused, "Well, I wouldn't want to stay here myself."

A huge drop of some mysterious ooze landed beside Link. There was a loud splash.

"Then I will give you the honor of carrying me," Ruto nodded, "However…I won't leave until I find the thing I'm looking for. You'd better believe me!"

"Uhh, sure?" Link asked.

Ruto sat on the ground.

"Nowww…" Link looked around, "Where to go from here…"

"Hmph! Need me to do everything, do you?!" Ruto huffed, "Here!"

Ruto took out a large piece of paper and handed it to Link.

"What's this?" Link asked.

"The map!" Ruto turned her head to the side, "I found around here earlier. Take it respectfully."

"…Dude," Link said, "If you didn't make it, who did?"

"…Wait," Navi paused, "This means that somebody _else_ came in here out of their own free will before you, and made a _MAP_ of the place?!"

Link picked up Ruto, and held her on his head.

"Well, you can't say Lord Jabu-Jabu's internal anatomy is particularly _normal_, can you?" Ruto said.

Navi grabbed Link's map and saw the odd twisting and turning systems drawn out on it.

"No, I guess not," Navi said.

* * *

If, in the off situation, Link lost Ruto in a room, or left her behind at any time, Link had to go back to the previous room, and retrieve her. This sometimes means jumping down that hole again to get her. In this off situation, she would say the following…

"How inconsiderate! How could you leave me behind?!" Ruto screamed.

Link paused, "…I'm not even sure how I did it _myself_…"

"If you're a man, act like one!" Ruto yelled, "Take responsibility!"

"Ruto, I've already tried," Navi said, "No matter how many times we mysteriously lose you, Link will never man up, or take responsibility."

"Hey!" Link said.

"Never?" Ruto glared at he fairy, "Would you still say the same thing in seven years?"

Navi looked at Link, "…Yeah, pretty much."

"HEY!" Link exclaimed.

Ruto sat down, and Link carried her off again.

* * *

Throughout Link's trek, he discovered that Ruto have many useful purposes. This included using her weight to step on switches, throwing her at switches on the ceiling, and even tossing her at various enemies to instantly kill them. Since Link was _such _a gentleman. After a great deal of monster slaying, Link and Ruto found themselves in a room with a raised platform. And though Link couldn't see it himself, he could tell that whatever Ruto was looking for was on top of it, since she started flailing about merrily.

"Link! Link! Up there!" Ruto exclaimed, "Throw me up there! On that ledge!"

"Ow, ow, ow," Link's face became acquainted with Ruto's heels, "Okay, okay! Just stop kicking me for a second!"

Link threw the Princess onto the platform, and DUH DU DUH NUH NU, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH! Princess Ruto got the Spiritual Stone! But why Princess Ruto…?

"Oh my goodness! I finally found…my mother's stone…" Ruto fixed her gaze on this stone, "I got very upset when Lord Jabu Jabu swallowed it…"

"…By the looks of things," Link said, looking at Ruto, "that wasn't the only thing he swallowed…"

"While I was feeding him, he suddenly swallowed me! I was so surprised I dropped it inside…" Ruto sighed.

"Now, what's the moral of this story?" Navi asked, "Never keep a precious stone in hand while you're feeding gigantic animals. That way you save Link and I a _lot_ of time!"

Link sighed and rolled his eyes. Suddenly Ruto snapped her head around and glared at the boy.

"Take that back!" Ruto yelled.

Navi raised her eyebrow, "Take what back?"

"Not you, him!" Ruto pointed at Link, "Take back that comment about how stupid you think I am, and how stupid you think Lord Jabu-Jabu is, and how stupid you think it is how you have to do all of the work in this country—!"

"Wait, _**what?**_" Navi asked.

Link raised his eyebrow, "Can you read my mind or something?"

"Actually…" Ruto trailed off.

"_Waaaaiiiittttt_…." Link paused, "You _CAN?!_"

"I never said I couldn't."

"B-but why me?!" Link stuttered, "Out of all the people in Hyrule, why am I—"

"Oh, it's not just you," Ruto replied, "I can read hers too, but they've mostly been overly sarcastic remarks about your stupidity."

Link turned to the fairy, "…_Navi!_"

"Oh, you've finally called me by my name," Navi smirked, "Anyway, how can you—"

There was a pause, "No, it does **not** have anything to do with the shape of my head!" Ruto growled, "Our magicians have no explanation for it, as of yet. However, they theorize that I have some sort of extra section on my brain that allows my mind to surpass physical barriers that others usually find, and that I have other abilities that I am slowly awakening over time…"

Link leaned forward, "Well, _excuuuuuuse_ me, prin—"

"No! No! Stop right there!" Navi said, "You've done that joke one too many times in your previous life, and you are _**not**_ going to do it here!"

"Fine," Link muttered, "Say… Do you think that this series will have a joke as annoying and as overused as that one?"

"I have no clue," Navi sighed.

"…But, now that I've found it," Ruto said, "I don't need to be here anymore! So, take me home, right now!"

"Then hop back down here," Link huffed, "I can't reach you when you're up there."

Link took a few steps toward her highness, and she did the same. But, before either of them could get close to the other, the raised platform Ruto stood on rose up into a hole in the ceiling.

"Keeeeeyaaaaaaahhhh! What is this? A giant Octopus?" Ruto's screams could be heard from below.

"Hmmm," Link put his hands on his hips and looked at the source of the sound, "You think we were being too loud?"

Navi raised her eyebrow, "Wow, Jabu-Jabu's body really does have weird anatomy, doesn't it?"

The platform suddenly lowered itself again, and revealed a gigantic octopus on top of it. Suddenly, the octopus hopped from the ledge, and began going around the edge of the platform. Fortunately, Link defeated this mini-boss with relative ease, and used its remains for a quick dish of 'Salt and Pepper Squid'. Well, it was _supposed to _be a quick meal, except for that it was an extremely large octopus, our heroes had to search for said salt and pepper, and this was the boy's first meal since his journey began.

* * *

Anyway, after his tasty meal, Link continued through Jabu-Jabu's insides, found the real boss, and defeated it. After his battle, he grabbed his heartpiece, and he saw a familiar blue light. Link noticed that Ruto was sitting—on nothing—in this light. Link stepped inside.

"You… You're late!" Ruto said.

Link blinked, "I was on a time limit?"

"What took you so long?" Ruto said.

"_Weelllll_… First, you know that octopus that kidnapped you? Yeah, he was good, nice and juicy. Real tasty… Ahem, then we—" Link replied.

"I think she gets the point, Link…" Navi said.

"You're useless!" Ruto turned her head away from the boy.

"Hey," Link said, "I wasn't the one who got kidnapped."

"I never got kidnapped!" Ruto exclaimed.

"Wait… Why would you care whether or not Link was late or not?" Navi asked, "Do I sense a _crush?_"

"Navi!" Link snapped.

Ruto blushed, "I-I was just lonely, that's all… Just a little!"

So after Ruto made herself clear, a _little too _clear, Link and Ruto warped outside using the portal.

* * *

Before he knew it, Link stood on a fallen over tree, outside of Lord Jabu Jabu's insides. But, of course, the camera crew decided to zoom in on Link's face. The camera zoomed out slightly, and showed that Ruto's face was only a couple of inches away from his. As it would appear, Ruto had full intention of kissing the Kokiri boy. Fortunately for him, Link's foot was planted on a rotten patch on the wood, and it had just given way. Link promptly lost his balance, and fell into the lake. Ruto dove in after him. As Link lifted his head above the water, he noticed that Ruto was swimming close to him with a seductive expression on her face.

"You! You looked cool… Cooler than I thought you would, anyway… Just a little!" Ruto exclaimed.

"Ha!" Link exclaimed, "At least someone in this game appreciates my cool looks."

Link combed his hair back with his hand.

"Link, I doubt that anyone will ever appreciate you, no matter how many times you save princesses…" Navi said.

"Well, anyway, you saved me, so I guess I'll reward you. What do you wish? Just tell me…" Ruto smiled suggestively.

"Oh gee, what _do _I want?" Link looked pensively at the sky, "Well, first of all, I'd like a ground floor on my house, and I want a red carpet leading from the entrance to the forest to my house, oh and, uh, let's see…what else…"

Ruto stared blankly at the Kokiri boy.

"Oh, and I'd like my own chariot for traveling, none of this walking by foot crap… And, I'd, uh, think it'd be nice if I could get this email thing that those gigantic fairies have… Oh, and I'd also like—"

"Link!" Navi exclaimed, "She means stuff that _**she**_ can get for you! How can she get you all that stuff?!"

Link paused from his list of things he wanted, "She _is_ a princess, isn't she?"

"Let's just stick with asking for the Spiritual Stone, okay?" Navi sighed.

"You mean the Spiritual Stone of Water, Zora's Sapphire, don't you?" Ruto asked.

"Wait, it has a _name?!_" Link asked.

"Silence, Link. And yes, Ruto, yes, we do," Navi told Ruto.

"My mother gave it to me and said I should give it only to the man who would be my husband. You might call it the Zora's engagement ring!" Ruto explained.

"But it isn't even in the shape of a ring—Wait, HUSBAND?!" Link exclaimed.

"So, are you giving it to him, or what?" Navi asked.

"Whoa, whoa! Back up here!" Link exclaimed, "I am _not _ready for a packaged deal here!"

"Link, you can hardly call a twelve year old Zora a 'packaged deal'…" Navi said.

"Oh, no, no, no, no, no! She is SO a packaged deal!" Link waved his finger at Navi, "Not only do I have to marry her in order to get a stinkin' stone, but once I do, I'll become KING of all the fish people!"

Ruto glared at Link, "These 'fish people' have a proper name, idiot."

"See why I always think so sarcastically about him?" Navi asked.

"Whatever! I am NOT ready for anything of the sort!" Link huffed, "So there! Tell Zelda that she'll just have to find some other guy to get the Spiritual Stone of Water!"

"Oh come now, Link," Navi voice lowered as she flew close to Link's ear, "What are the chances she'll remember this after today?"

"Ah, good point," Link said, "Okay, gimme the stone, already."

Link held out his hand towards the Princess. Ruto paused.

"…I'm not sure whether this is a wise choice, but I'm willing to give you my most precious possession: Zora's Sapphire…" Ruto said.

Ruto flipped over onto her back, and swam away from Link. Soon, a blue glow floated above her head, and the stone fell down from above. DUH DU DUH NUH NU, NUH NUH NUH NUUHH NUUHH NUH NUUHHHHH! Link got the Spiritual Stone of Water! A stone in which Link used false promises to get! Remember kids, _lying is good!_ Link looked at the waters in front of him to note that Princess Ruto had mysteriously disappeared off the screen. Suddenly, the screen turned white, and Ruto's voice could be heard on the wind…

"_Don't tell my father…"_ _Ruto's voice said._


	6. Chapter 6: Ganondorf the Balding Monkey

**Chapter 6  
**

* * *

_**What would happen if Link somehow managed to insult Ganondorf right to his face without the Kokiri getting needlessly slaughtered on the spot?  
**__Wonder no more! And yes, this probably would not be possible if Ganondorf was as evil and intimidating as one could deduce. However, it's little mess ups like these that corrupted this story from the beginning.__**  
**_

* * *

Link looked around at Zora's Fountain, and couldn't find Ruto anywhere. But he didn't mind this, since it only mildly unnerved him. Navi then reminded Link that he still had to bring these Spiritual Stones back to Princess Zelda. But, on his way back, he found Ruto standing by her father.

"Oh, hey, Ruto!" Link grinned, "I was wondering where you were, since you mysteriously vanished all of a sudden. Say, whatcha up to?"

"Did my most precious possession help you on your quest? Hee hee…" Ruto smiled.

"Ummm… Not yet…" Link paused, " I haven't really had a chance to use it… Anyways, will you please answer my question?"

"Did my most precious possession help you on your quest? Hee hee…" Ruto repeated.

"Errr… Navi, little help here," Link said.

"Relax, Link, she's just an NPC," Navi said, "And after a while, NPCs run out of things to say. That's what's happened to Ruto."

"NPC?" Link blinked, "What's that?"

"I have no clue," Navi sighed.

"NPC?!" Ruto snapped, "I resent that!"

"Oh, no wait, never mind," Navi said.

"The nerve," Ruto huffed, "NPC my tail!"

"You don't have a tail," Navi said.

"Oh, be quiet!"

"Well, you were repeating yourself, so, you kinda had to wonder…" Link said.

"Nonsense! Don't associate me with the stereotypes! _Really! _Repeating myself…" Ruto huffed, "On another note… Did my most precious possession help you on your quest? Hee hee…"

There was a long pause.

"Erm… I mean… Um… Are you doing anything over the weekend?" Ruto asked.

"Finally! A change of dialogue!" Link exclaimed.

"_Excuse __**me?**_"

"Erm, uh… I mean, errr… No… Not really, I guess—" Link started.

Navi flew in front of Link's mouth, "Yes he is! First he has to go see the Princess, and then he's going to the mall in Hyrule Castle Town!"

"Oh, and I suppose with _you, _then," Ruto muttered.

Navi ignored this, "And then he's going to stuff himself with all the food in their food court _and_ he has to do all sorts of things, like carry my bags since my arms are too short, and help me get them back home, and—"

"Don't forget be the hero of Hyrule," Link added.

"Yes, that too," Navi said, "So, yes, he is busy this weekend!"

"Oh. Perhaps the weekend afterwards?" Ruto paused.

"I wouldn't keep your hopes up, princess," Navi rolled her eyes, "The frequency people exploit Link fill up his schedule rather quickly. Isn't that right, Link?"

"Ummm…" Link paused, then noticed the King, "Hi, King Zora! How's it goin'?"

"Oh, Link! So, you saved the Princess, eh? I really appreciate it," the King Zora said.

"Oh, so that's all you have to say?! 'You really appreciate it'?" Link asked, "I'll have you know that not only did I have to carry her royal highness all around Mr. Jabu-Jabu's insides, but I also had to put up with the monsters, holes, and gigantic Octopuses! And all you say is 'I _really_ appreciate it'!?"

"Did I mention that I really, _really _appreciate it?" the King Zora replied.

"You are all insane…" Navi muttered.

"ARGGGHHHH!" Link bellowed.

On that note, Link stomped his way out of Zora's Domain…

* * *

Link and Navi leapt through the waterfall, and started a trek to get to Hyrule Field.

Navi's body jolted once more, "You collected three Spiritual Stones! Let's go back to Hyrule Castle!"

Link turned to Navi, "Haven't we already decided this? And isn't that what you just told Ruto back in the domain?"

Navi turned red.

"Or is this one of those moments where you state the obvious?" Link asked.

"Oh, yes. It was," Navi sighed, "I'm sorry, Link, I'm trying to suppress it… But whenever you press the up button command, I just lose control—"

"And just what _is _this 'Up Button Command' anyway?!" Link grumbled.

Navi paused, "I have no clue."

Link hopped down to a platform below him, and continued walking downhill.

"Besides, who cares about going to the Castle?" Navi huffed, "I would have expected we would have gone on that shopping spree by now. What has it been? _Five chapters?_"

"No, I think it was just four," Link folded his arms behind his head, "After all, the shopping spree was first mentioned in chapter two…"

"Says the character who can't read," Navi said, "Bah, whatever! First we'll head to the Castle, then we'll head to the mall, and then we can continue wandering around town."

"Yay!" Link jumped in mid-stride, "I've always wanted to go to the Bombchu Bowling Alley! I've always wanted to go bowling! Navi, can we go to the Bombchu Bowling Alley?"

"No, Link," Navi said, "The last thing you need is another set of explosives. Me on the other hand…"

"Ohhhh," Link kicked a rock, "But, I like blowing things up… Why do you get to do all the fun stuff?"

"Link, never mind," Navi sighed, "Here, how about we go to this place called Bazaar? Sure we intimidated the crap out of the guy working at the till, however, if we say that the Gate Guard sent us again, then maybe we'll get more stuff for free."

"Navi, no black marketing! And besides, blackmailing people is not as fun as bowling," Link pouted, "Or blowing things up."

"Please—" Navi started.

"No," Link glared at the fairy.

And thus Link and Navi continued their way down towards the castle, bickering all the way.

* * *

It was about noon when Link got within an accurate proximity of the Castle Gates. When he got there, the following happened.

"Ha!" Link exclaimed, "Oh, Navi, you have the funniest ideas sometimes! Really! Get a dog at night to follow me into some random lady's house, and then she'll give me a Heart Piece? What will you think of next?"

"Link, I'm serious," Navi sighed, then covered her eyes, "Anyways, I wish you would pick up the pace. It's taken us this long to get to the gates."

Link shadowed his eyes with his hand and peered ahead of them, "We are? Oh, yeah, I guess that's what the gates look like."

Navi sighed, "_Yes, they do, Link. _Anyways, I do wish you that you would hurry up. The sun is scorching today, and I can't wait to get into the shadows of some buildings."

"Agreed," Link groaned, "I think I'm getting sunburned…"

Link took one more step towards the Castle gates, when suddenly, the daytime sky suddenly became clouded over, and the Sun popped behind the horizon. The lamps by the gate door suddenly lit themselves, and the drawbridge pulled itself up. Link and Navi stood in stunned silence as they watched the middle of the afternoon suddenly become nightfall. It started to rain.

"What the—?" Link took a step backward, "What's going on…?"

"Hmmm," Navi paused, "That was convenient… A little _too _convenient…"

"Well, at least we're not getting scorched anymore," Link shrugged.

At that very moment, the gates crashed down to the ground in front of them. The end of the gate door slammed itself down upon an unsuspecting puddle. This erupted into a gigantic splash wave that engulfed our heroes. The mud-drenched Link and Navi stood in disgust as two people on a white horse whizzed by. Link peered at the two people in the distance to recognize the two vague shapes of Princess Zelda and Impa.

Link didn't quite recognize Zelda at first, since she had he hair loose for once. On her head glistened a black headband, decorated with a jewel that looked suspiciously like it belonged to a certain villain in this game. Zelda turned her head just in time to see Link, and she threw something towards him. Unfortunately for Zelda, her aim sucked, and it landed in the moat behind him.

Navi looked at the scene with a critical eye, "I have a feeling this is staged."

"Naw, that can't possibly be true," Link shrugged.

Link turned around to face the Castle Gates. There was no one there. A short silence ensued.

"Augh!" a deep voice let out from somewhere within Castle Town, "I've missed my cue, haven't I?"

"Yup," said the camera man.

After a moment of incessant swearing, a man on a black horse came galloping across the drawbridge. A man, whose face was so shrouded by evil, whose past was such a mystery, that even if one stared at him for hours, one could not tell who this man was.

"Oh, hey Ganondorf!" Link waved to the ominous figure before him.

"Link, stop contradicting the narrator," Navi said.

The ominous figure, which apparently was Ganondorf, glared at the small child, but then gazed threateningly out in the direction in which Zelda and Impa had fled. Upon closer examination, one could see that there was a small indentation right dead center in this man's forehead.

"Arg! I lost her!" Ganondorf growled.

Ganondorf snapped his head around to face Link. For the first time, Link noticed something very odd about Ganondorf, in that when he looked at Link head on, it appeared as if he had no hair. Not that he had much hair to begin with, but…

"You, over there! Little kid!" Ganondorf said.

Unfortunately for this villain, Link decided to be annoying.

"Who me?" Link asked.

"Yes you!" Ganondorf said.

"Are you sure you mean me?" Link asked.

Ganondorf rolled his eyes, "Yes, I mean you!"

"Are you really talking to me?" Link asked.

"Yes, I am talking to you!"

"Are you _sure_…?"

"YES, I AM SURE!" Ganondorf yelled, "Now will you stop with this infuriating small talk? I frankly do _not _have the time!"

"Me neither," Link shrugged, "I mean, a couple minutes ago, it was the middle of the afternoon, and now it's after sunset."

"Insolent fool!" Ganondorf bellowed.

"Link, I don't think it is _wise_ to be taunting this guy…" Navi whispered to Link.

"Oh come on, Navi," Link smiled, "Zelda stole a jewel off the center of his forehead in the second chapter! What's the worst that could happen?"

A Black Ball of powerful energy whizzed towards Link, and exploded beside him.

"Now…" Ganondorf smirked, "You must have seen the white horse gallop past just now… Which way did it go?!"

Link stood there.

"Answer me!" Ganondorf demanded.

"Sorry, I'm pulling a page out of most of the other fanfics about Zelda games, and pretending that I'm mute," Link said.

"RAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Ganondorf bellowed.

Link took a couple steps backward.

"So, you think you can protect them from me…" Ganondorf smirked, "You've got guts, kid."

"No, I'm taking a couple of steps backward since that was freakin' _loud!_" Link twisted his pinky inside his ear, "Honestly, that's what I call lung power!"

"He'd make a great public speaker," Navi added.

"I _am_ a public speaker! You have to be one if you lead a group of thieves in the desert. Honestly, the only place I can give a speech to the whole population is from the top of the fortress! Do you realize how loud I have to yell?" Ganondorf snarled.

Link and Navi stared.

"That's nice?" Navi said tentatively.

"Silence, you Firefly!"

"Gah! Why does everyone think I'm some sort of insect?!" Navi fumed.

Ganondorf glared threateningly at the duo of heroes.

"Okay, enough of this!" Link shouted.

Link drew his sword.

"LINK!" Navi yelled, "I know that you are a wonderful artist but this **isn't** the time for DRAWING!"

Link lifted his head up from behind his large sketchpad.

"But my sword… I just got a sudden urge to draw it!" Link complained.

Link moved his pencil around furiously as he drew a stick figure of his sword.

"Still!" Navi hissed, "This is** not **the _time!_"

"Heh heh heh… Are you challenging me?!" Ganondorf smirked.

Link's head peaked out from behind the sketchpad, "I never said that!"

"But you were thinking it…" Ganondorf said.

Link dropped his sketchpad and clasped his cheeks.

"Navi! Do you think he's like Ruto?!" Link turned toward the fairy.

"Link, that has got to be the stupidest—" Navi started.

Link flipped over onto the next page of his sketchbook, "Hey mister…"

"The name is Ganondorf!" Ganondorf snapped, "But it's King of Evil to you!"

"Well, Mister Ganondorf King of Evil, sir…" Link said, "Upon deciding to draw you on the next page, I discovered something… Did you know that you look like a balding monkey?"

Ganondorf burst out laughing, "Very funny! I like your attitude!"

"Sad thing is…" Navi flew up to Ganondorf's ear, "He's not kidding…"

"Impudent little—!" Ganondorf growled.

Ganondorf lifted his hand out towards Link, and out shot another Black Ball of magic out at Link. Link lifted up his sketchbook in an attempt to block this shock, however, what resulted was the scorching of the previous page.

"Pathetic little fool! Do you realize who you're dealing with?!" Ganondorf asked.

"Hey! I had a drawing on that page!" Link exclaimed, "Great! _Now_ I'm going to have to draw it all over again!"

"I said do you realize who you're dealing with?!" Ganondorf yelled.

Link's little eyes glared behind the top edge of the sketchbook, "I am dealing with Ganondorf, the balding monkey!"

Ganondorf glared menacingly at the boy, "I am Ganondorf! And I am not a balding monkey!"

The Kokiri's glare didn't waver, "Look in the mirror, pal!"

Ganondorf turned his head away from the boy, "And soon, I will rule the world!"

"But the princess said you were going to take over her jewelry collection!" Navi said.

Ganondorf gave a shout and began his pursuit of Zelda once more. Who was probably at the other end of the world by now.

"That too!" Ganondorf's voice called out.

Suddenly, the Sun re-popped out from behind the horizon. Clouds cleared overhead, and the lanterns put themselves out. It was the middle of the afternoon once more.

"That was weird…" Link paused.

"I still think it was staged," Navi said.

"Well, I guess we _won't _be going to the Castle now," Link said, "Now the Princess is in _another _castle!"

"So, I guess we should head straight to the mall then," Navi said.

"What about that thing she threw into the river?" Link pointed behind him.

"First of all, that's a moat, Link," Navi said, "And second of all, Zelda chucked that thing pretty close to you. Heck, for all we know, she was trying to slug you."

"B-bu-but for all we know, it could be something important," Link said, "What if it's what this game is named after?"

"Link, it belonged to the Princess," Navi said, "And I have a feeling that we won't be seeing her for a few years. Do you really want something that belonged to her?"

Link sighed, "You're the one with the princess phobia, not me."

Before Navi could protest further, Link jumped in the moat, and swam to the bottom. As soon as he grabbed the royal blue object, he automatically swam to the surface. DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Ocarina of Time! Something that sounds extremely important to the plot…How, we're not quite sure…

* * *

_The world around them turned into a misty land of white backgrounds, with a black and white Link and Navi standing in front of a black and white figure of Princess Zelda. She had her back turned to them due to the fact that she was standing in front of an altar. This altar had three empty holes to place objects within. Zelda, on the other hand, appeared to Link with her hair loose with the black headband like before._

"_Link… Can you hear me? It's me, Zelda…" Zelda told Link._

"_I think we can tell," Navi said, "Who else can trap Link in a flashback while he's in the middle of a moat?"_

_Link rubbed his chin with his hand, "I wonder if I'm floating downstream."_

"_And besides, what on Hyrule happened to you're hair?" Navi examined the loose blonde hair._

_Zelda shrugged, "I don't quite remember… But I think Ganondorf burned my hat in revenge for me taking his jewel."_

_Link patted Zelda on the back, "My sympathies."_

_Zelda pointed triumphantly to the jewel on her headband, "But I still have it!" _

"_You still have my sympathies…" Link said._

"_Look! I need to tell you the important stuff before the time runs out!" Zelda yelled._

"_Wait…" Navi paused, "What do you mean by that?"_

_Link scratched his head, "There's a time limit?"_

"_Unfortunately, yes," Zelda sighed, "Anyways, Link, when you hold this ocarina in your hand…I won't be around anymore…"_

"_Thank you for stating the obvious," Navi said._

"_I wonder if she has an Up Button Command too," Link paused._

_Zelda glared at Navi, "Well, I wanted to wait for you, but I couldn't delay any longer. Not with the King of Evil at my heels."_

_Link turned his head to the side, "Still, you didn't have to chuck this thing at me."_

_Link lifted up the ocarina._

_Zelda sighed, "The least I could leave you the ocarina and this melody. This song opens the Door of Time…"_

_Zelda put her lips up to the Ocarina of Time and played a tune on it. Link followed by also putting the Ocarina of Time to his lips. This made one wonder where they got the second Ocarina of Time. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH!_ _Link leaned the Song of Time!_

"_Now, Link. Play this melody in front of the altar in the Temple of Time," Zelda said._

_Link raised his eyebrow, "I'm not quite sure what that'll do, but okay…"_

_Zelda grabbed Link's shoulders, "You must protect the Triforce. BECAUSE IT'S MINE!"__  
_

* * *

When Link broke out of this flashback, he found that he had somehow gotten on top of the drawbridge. How this works, no one will ever know…

Link looked at Saria's ocarina, "What should I do with my old ocarina?"

Navi paused, "Hmmm… Well, I wouldn't recommend throwing out… Considering that Saria gave that to you and all…"

"I know…" Link said, "That's why I'm asking _you _what to do with it."

There was a small pause, "OH! I know! Give it to me!" Navi exclaimed, "I've always wanted to compose my own music!"

Link shrugged, "Fine… Have it…"

Link handed the Fairy Ocarina to Navi.

"Oh goody!" Navi could not withhold her smile.

"Just remember, I put my lips on that," Link said nonchalantly.

Navi gasped and threw Saria's Ocarina in moat when Link wasn't looking.

"So… Where to now?" Link asked.

"Hmmm…" Navi paused, "I think you should go inside the Town and go into the back alley until you see a guard lying on ground and talk to him."

"Pardon?" Link said.

"Err… Just go, already," Navi told Link.

* * *

Link decided the best thing to do was to do what Navi said, and he entered Market Town. As soon as he entered, he saw something that caught his eye. He walked towards it. It was a large, boarded up building, with an illegible sign.

"Hmmm…" Link paused, "I seem to remember something being here before… Now, what was it…?"

"Umm…" Navi bit her lip.

Link peered closely at the old sign. A "B" could be seen at the very beginning, but boards covered the name of the store until the last letter "R". Link peered through a crack in the boarded up windows. Inside, he saw a faint outline of a man with a large beard. The man shuffled quickly into the back room.

"Hmmm, that face…" Link stroked his chin, "It seems _very _familiar…"

"Link, I can't believe you haven't figured it out," Navi sighed.

Link eyed Navi, "What do you_ mean?_"

"Look, here, Captain Oblivious," Navi groaned, "don't you remember how you got your metal shield?!"

Link blinked, "No."

"How about a man who called us 'Kind Sir' and 'Kind Butterfly'?" Navi prompted, "Has three children and a wife?"

"No," Link repeated.

"Augh. Just forget about it," Navi sighed.

* * *

Link, with some direction for Navi, wandered into the back alley she had mentioned earlier. And there really was a Guard lying there. Surprise! Surprise!

"Unngh… Are you the boy from the forest…?" the Guard asked.

Link turned to Navi, "You are getting too good at this."

"I—" the Guard spluttered.

Navi turned her back on Link, "You can never be too good at something."

"Quiet! He might be trying to tell us something!" Link snapped.

"Relax," Navi waved her hand at Link, "It's not like he's dying."

"I-I-I've finally met you… I-I-I have something to t-t-tell you…" the Guard coughed, "Ganondorf, the Gerudo King of Thieves, betrayed our king…"

Link rolled his eyes, "Who saw that coming?"

"Zelda's nanny, Impa, sensed the danger and escaped from the castle with our princess. I tried to stop Ganondorf's men from chasing them…but…the princess was…waiting for a boy from the forest… That's you… She wanted to give something to the boy," blood trickled down from the Guard's mouth, "If you received it from the princess, hurry…to the Temple of Time…"

The Guard stopped moving.

"Is he _dead?_" Navi asked.

"Not quite," Link told Navi.

Navi stared at Link out of the corner of her eye, "Of course he's dead! He _has_ to be dead! See, Link? He's not moving anymore!"

"Just because he's not moving doesn't mean he's dead," Link said.

Navi rolled her eyes, "After all that killing you've done, I would've thought you would be able to tell whether a person is dead or not."

The supposedly dead Guard coughed, spluttered, and then died.

Link's face beamed, "Now he's dead!"

"Yeah, yeah…" Navi mumbled, "Let's go check out the mall already."

"But shouldn't we be considerate of this nice dead guy's feelings and go to the Temple of Time?" Link asked.

"Alright! Fine!" Navi grumbled, "But you know, one of these days you'll realize that you'll never get anything done if you keep doing stuff for others rather than for yourself."

"But I'm going to the mall for _your _sake," Link said.

"Shut up and keep moving," Navi said.

* * *

After a few minutes of getting lost within Castle Town, Link found a large temple, presumably the Temple of Time. And, sure enough, it was beside a large mall. However, despite Navi's complaints, Link entered the Temple of Time instead. Inside, there was a large, empty room with a small altar in the center. On the altar, there was a large inscription, and below it were three holes embedded in the pedestal.

"So…" Link looked around, "Now what?"

"Hey! Look!" Navi exclaimed.

"Oh, let me guess, 'Listen' comes next, right?" Link rolled his eyes.

"Ha ha, anyways, there's something written on here," Navi said dryly.

"That's _great_, Navi!" Link exclaimed, "Especially since _I can't read!_"

Navi stared at the Kokiri, "Okay, that's it. My sarcasm is rubbing off on you."

"What's sarcasm?" Link asked.

"Shut up and listen," Navi said.

"I told you 'listen' came next!" Link exclaimed.

"_Ahem_: 'Ye who owns three Spiritual Stones, stand with the Ocarina of Time and play the Song of Time.'" Navi read with a little more bite to her voice than necessary.

"You gonna say 'watch out' now?" Link asked.

"Shut up and play the stinkin' Song of Time already!" Navi snapped.

Link held the Ocarina up to his lips, "You know, you keep telling me what to do, and when I listen to you, you usually turn out right. If we're not careful, you'll turn out to be the hero."

Link put the ocarina up to his lips, and stood before the altar. The three Spiritual Stones he had flew up, and circled in the air, and placed themselves in the notches in the pedestal. Suddenly, what Link initially mistook for a wall, suddenly opened, revealing a hidden chamber behind it.

"Aw crap!" Link put his hands on his hips, "There go the Princess's jewels…"

Navi glared at the boy, "Link… Would you hurry up—"

"Just hold on a minute," Link said, "Now, maybe if I…"

Link reached his hand to a Spiritual Stone. His hand passed straight through it. In a desperate attempt to still grab hold of the stone, he began to flap his hand widely in what seemed to be within the stone.

"Almost… I…" Link muttered while doing this, "Eeeeh! …_Eeeeeehhhh!_"

Navi grabbed onto Link's ear, "Well, come on then!"

"Eee! Noooo!" were Link's protests as Navi dragged him toward the next room.

Thus Link was dragged through the inconspicuous door. Aptly named the Door of Time. In the distance, Navi saw something.

"Link, isn't that…?!" Navi asked

Navi flew over to a sword.

"It's that legendary blade… The Master Sword!" Navi exclaimed, "Wait, where are you going?!"

Link had started to run back into the other room.

"I'll be right back!" Link said, "Just as soon as I grab onto that stone—"

"Link, come back here!" Navi snarled.

Link glared at the fairy, "You're a real party pooper, you know that?"

Link hesitantly walked up to the Master Sword. After a moment of standing in front of it, his face lit up.

"This will be an excellent drawing subject!" Link sat on the ground and took out his sketchpad, "Especially with the light shining onto the sword like that! Diagonal lines like these are very vital in dramatic scenes like this!"

"LINK! You were the one that wanted to come here!" Navi barked, "If you are going to waste my time then I might as well go shopping!"

"B-bu-bu-but…" Link pouted.

Navi glared at the Kokiri.

"You take the fun out of this place," Link grumbled.

Link stood up, and, to make Navi happy, pulled a King Arthur and pulled the Master Sword out of it's pedestal. But, as soon as he had done so, he could feel the looming evil presence of some demonic being…a being so dark, so EVIL that none in Hyrule could recognize who this figure was—

Link turned on the spot, "Hey, Ganondorf!"

"Geh heh heh!" Ganondorf laughed, "Excellent work! As I thought, you held the keys to the Door of Time! You have led me to the gates of the Sacred Realm… Yes I owe it all to you, kid!"

As Link's world faded away from his vision, he could hear Ganondorf laughing evilly/cheesily behind him.


	7. Chapter 7: Sheik, Ingo, and Sour Milk

**Chapter 7**

* * *

_**What would happen if Sheik had a secret obsession for the Mission Impossible theme?  
**__Wonder no more! You'll see how even the deepest, most mysterious characters can dance to good tunes!__**  
**_

* * *

Link awoke to find himself on top of a platform in the middle of a room unlike any Link had seen before. All around him, Link could see various waterfalls falling down into what looked like a bottomless pit. He happened to be on top of a Triforce symbol on the floor, which was surrounded by some circular pedestals. He stood up and took a closer look at his surroundings. Navi was beside him, however, she was still half asleep, as far as he could tell. However, this entire time, Link had neglected to notice an old man standing before him.

"Link…" the man said to Link, "Wake up… Link, the Chosen One…"

Link spun around, saw this man, and promptly fell over backwards.

"AAAHHHHHHHH—Whoa, did my voice just drop a couple of octaves?" Link paused.

"Erm, yes, I guess to you, it did seem like your voice dropped a couple of octaves," the old man paused.

Link stood, speechless, for a couple of seconds, "Now this is weird… Anyway, just who are you?"

"I am Rauru, one of the ancient sages…" the man said.

"Well, then, Mister Rayru, in case you haven't already noticed, I already _am _awake," Link said, "And see, Navi is too! Isn't that right, Navi?"

Navi rolled over in her sleep, "…Just ten more minutes…"

"Okay, maybe not her as much as me," Link said, "Anyway, sure, you may be 'ancient', but isn't that a bit of an understatement?"

"What is it that you are trying to imply in that statement?" Rauru asked.

"Look at you!" Link flung out his arms at Rauru, "Look at all those lines on your face! Look at that hair! You're even worse than that one guy in market town! How old are you, _sixty?!_"

"…Sixty?" Rauru blinked.

Link's jaw dropped, "Wait, _seventy?!_"

"What do you find so perplexing about seventy?" Rauru asked.

Link slapped his forehead, "No, no, you can't possibly be…_eighty!_"

Rauru sighed, "Oh that's right, I forgot that the average Humanoid Life-Span of our times is somewhere within the mid forties…"

Link's eyes widened, "Oh crap, you're even older than that, aren't you?"

"Link, Chosen One, my age does not bear any concern of what I am about to tell you," Rauru raised his voice.

Link looked at Rauru with watered eyes.

"…But if you must know, my two hundred and fifty-third birthday was last week."

Link fainted.

Navi stretched her arms, "Oh, boy, that was the best sleep in _ages!_"

Navi turned to the fainted Kokiri in green.

"Huh, I guess he isn't up yet," Navi pondered.

Rauru sighed, "Well, would you be so kind as to awaken him for me?"

"Pfft, that's easy," Navi smiled.

Navi began bouncing up and down on Link's body. Link twitched.

"Huh," Navi put her hands on her hips, "I thought that would have worked."

Rauru stared.

"Hmmm," Navi paused, "Maybe this will work."

Navi inhaled deeply.

"HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT! HEYLOOKLISTENWATCHOUT!" Navi yelled into Link's ears.

Link sat bolt upright, covering his ears.

"What is that _UNGODDESSLY_ racket?!" Link exclaimed.

Navi smirked, "Rise and shine, sleepy head."

"Now, as I was saying," Rauru said.

Link's head dropped, "No! It _wasn't _a nightmare!"

Rauru glared at Link, "_Pardon me?_!"

"Nothing," Link said.

"Ages ago, we ancient sages built the Temple of Time to protect the entrance to the Sacred Realm…" Rauru huffed.

"Crap…" Link groaned, "More mumbo jumbo about that dang old Sacred Realm…"

"Link, if the game designers mention it this often, it usually means that it's important," Navi sighed.

"But it's boring…" Link sighed.

"This is the Chamber of Sages, inside the Temple of Light…" Rauru said, "The Temple of Light, situated in the very center of the Sacred Realm, is the last stronghold against Ganondorf's evil forces."

Link blinked, "Wait, when did he take over?"

"The Master Sword—the evil-destroying sword that you pulled out of the Pedestal of Time was the final key to the Sacred Realm," Rauru said.

"See?!" Navi hit Link's arm, "I told you we should have gone to the mall first!"

"Aww, man…" Link groaned, "Why don't I listen to you more often?"

Rauru cleared his voice in order to get Link's attention.

"Link…don't be alarmed…look at yourself…!" Rauru exclaimed.

Link looked down at his torso, and examined his body.

"I don't see anything different—wait," Link paused, "Where'd I get this white shirt? Or these Gauntlets? Or these—Navi, what are these?"

Navi looked where Link was pointing, "Those are leggings."

"Yeah, what she said," Link said.

"Chosen One, that is not what I meant when I said look at yourself," Rauru said.

"Did you buy me clothes?" Link asked.

Rauru sighed, "That is not the point."

"…Did you put them on me too?" Link asked.

"That is not the point either."

"Seriously, sir, nothing about Link has cha—HOLY CRAP!" Navi exclaimed.

Link looked around, "What?! What?! What is it?!"

"Y-Y-You're face! Look at it!" Navi gaped.

"Wish I could," Link said, "Anyways, what's _wrong _with it?!"

"Look, Link," Navi sighed, "I don't know any other way to tell you this any other way… You're big now."

Link cocked his head, "Big?"

Navi groaned, "Look, you've grown up, okay?"

"Seven years older, to be precise," Rauru told Link. "I guess you're about halfway through the average lifespan, aren't you?"

"Navi?"

"Yes, Link?"

"Do I look hot?" Link asked.

"…I'm a fairy!" Navi exclaimed, "I wouldn't be able to tell!"

"But am I?"

"I dunno!"

Rauru cleared his throat once more.

"The Master Sword is a sacred blade, which evil ones may never touch…. Only ones worthy of the title of 'The Hero of Time' can pull it from the Pedestal of Time," Rauru said.

"Sweet!" Link exclaimed, "I'm like King Arthur!"

"Link, who on Hyrule is King Arthur?" Navi asked.

"I have no clue," Link said, "But he's like me…I think…"

"However," Rauru said, "you were too young to be the Hero of Time…therefore, your spirit was sealed here for seven years."

"Wouldn't it have been easier for the Goddesses to just tell me to come back in seven years?" Link asked, "Rather than waste time and funds on keeping me asleep?"

Rauru glared at Link.

"Sorry."

"…And now that you are old enough, the time has come for you to awaken as the Hero of Time! Well, do you understand your destiny?" Rauru asked.

"Of course not," Navi said.

"Navi, I know that I just apparently slept for seven years, but besides that, what on Hyrule does the title 'Hero of Time' have anything to do with me?" Link asked, "It's not like I can _control _how long I sleep. I don't even own an alarm clock!"

"That's because they haven't been invented yet, Link," Navi said.

"Oh."

"But, remember… though you opened the Door of Time in the name of peace…Ganondorf, the Gerudo King of Thieves, used it to enter this forbidden Sacred Realm!" Rauru said, "He obtained the Triforce from the Temple of Light, and with its power, he became the Kind of Evil..."

"Holy crap, how in the Din's Lair is anyone going to fix _that!?_" Link exclaimed.

"There goes Zelda's Triforce…" Navi said.

"His evil power radiated from the Temples of Hyrule, and in seven short years, it transformed Hyrule into a world of monsters," Rauru said, "My power now only has little influence, even in this Sacred Realm…namely, this Chamber of Sages. But there is still hope…"

"_HOW?!_" Link yelled.

"The power of the Sages remains. When the power of all the Sages is awakened…the Sages' seals will contain all the evil power in the void of the Realm. I, Rauru, am one of the Sages…and… your power to fight together with the Sages makes you the Hero of Time!" Rauru said, "The Hero of Time, chosen by the Master Sword! Keep my spirit with you… and, find the power of the other Sages and add their might to your own!"

Rauru lifted his arms in the air and down descended a small yellow disc. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUUHHH! Link received the Medallion of Light. Upon closer examination, one can see a faint glow.

"I still don't see how anything I do will help at all," Link said.

With that, Link was warped in to the room where Link pulled up the Master Sword, in the Temple of Time.

"Link…we're back in the Temple of Time…" Navi said.

Link asked, "But has seven years really past?"

Navi nodded, "It looks like you won't be able to use some of the weapons you found as a kid anymore…"

"Like _what?_" Link put his hands on his hips.

"Well, your Kokiri Shield for one thing," Navi said.

Link pulled out his shield, "What's wrong with it—…oh."

Link held up his shield. It was only slightly bigger than his face.

"Yeah, see?" Navi flew up to it, "It won't even make a suitable arm guard anymore."

Link paused, "I seemed to remember it being bigger than this…"

"No duh," Navi said.

"Okay, so it's the size of a dinner plate," Link sighed, "That still doesn't mean it won't make a good hat. Or better yet! A hat guard!"

Link put his Kokiri Shield on his hat.

"Ha ha!" Link exclaimed, "Let's see the stampeding Skulltulas take my hat _now!_"

Navi glared at Link, "Take that off your head before you embarrass us any further."

Link lowered the shield, "Okay fine. But what about my Slingshot?"

Link rummaged through his pockets and discovered that the slingshot he had never technically acquired had been crushed under Link's weight for seven years. Link lifted its crumbled remains out of his pocket and played with it with his fingers.

"Navi, I think I need to go on a diet," Link said.

"B-bu-but Link!" Navi exclaimed, "You haven't eaten in seven years! Heck, I haven't seen you eat since we left the forest!"

"That still doesn't mean that I shouldn't go on a diet," Link nodded.

"Link, let's keep moving," Navi sighed.

"Eh, sure," Link shrugged.

Link walked over to the opening in the Door of Time. However, instead he found an inconspicuous wall.

Link put his hands on his hips, "Hmmm, I seem to remember a door here…"

Navi raised her eyebrow, "How come it sealed itself shut?"

"Relax, Navi," Link said, "Maybe over the years, the Temple's Cleaning Staff decided to come around and actually manage the place."

"I doubt it, Link," Navi said, "The place looked like it had completely abandoned for years back when you were a shrimp," Navi looked at corner, "Is it just me, or has that cobweb gotten ten times bigger?"

Link stroked his chin, "Do you think someone stole the Stones from the Temple's Altar? After all, we needed those things in order to open this door in the first place."

"Link, you're newfound intelligence is creeping me out. Stop it," Navi said.

"But—"

"Just do manly things, like break down the door," Navi said, "And hopefully, you'll lose a few brain cells while you're at it."

"Okay!" Link exclaimed.

Link took a few steps back, and then charged towards the door. WHAM! No budge. Link ran a few more meters away, and then charged towards the Door of Time once more. WHAM! Still nothing. Link ran even farther away. Behind him, however, a mysterious figure dropped from the ceiling. Link charged for the door once more. WHHAAMM!

"Not a scratch," Link said.

Navi flew up to the top of the screen, "I think you lost a heart on that last one."

Link sighed, "Well, that didn't work. Here, let's try bombs."

The figure standing behind him cleared their throat. Link spun on the spot to gaze upon the figure behind him. In surprise, Link drew his sword—the Master Sword.

"LINK! Stop drawing whenever the authoress wants you to pull out your sword!" Navi yelled.

Link peeked out from his moth-eaten sketchpad, "Is that what she wants me to do?"

The figure before Link coughed loudly.

"Sorry," Link said, "Say, could you help us break the door down?"

The figure shrugged, "Hmph… Fine… I need to get more exercise anyway…"

Together, Link, Navi, and this new person took a few steps back, and charged towards the door. But like the previous three times, it did not budge.

"Owww," Link said, "I think I lost half a heart there."

"Look on the bright side, Link," Navi said, "A normal person would have dislocated their shoulder by now. You just lose hearts. Besides, you can find some more in some pots or grass."

Link shrugged, "I still think we should try explosives."

Navi sighed, "Either way, it's no use. No matter what we try, we'll never get this door down."

"I guess we can't save Hyrule after all…" Link put his hands on his hips.

"Hmm…" the figure paused, "I wonder if the door'll open again if I put those three shining stones back to that Altar thing…"

Link and Navi froze.

"What?" the figure gazed upon the heroes, "That won't work either?"

"You stole the stones on the altar?!" Link yelled.

"Yeah… I _am_ a thief you know…" the figure seemed pleased when it said that.

"And you _didn't _sell them on the Black Market?!" Navi yelled.

"Tch, of course not," the figure said, "They're too shiny for any sum of money."

"If you weren't convenient to our getting out of here, I'd say you are a complete and total moron!" Navi said.

"Remind me again why fandom hates you?" the figure growled.

"Well, whatever," Navi said, "You'd better hurry up and put them back. Link is using his sword to destroy the cobwebs."

The figure turned towards Link, and sure enough, Link was standing on his tip-toes in a corner, entwirling the Master Sword within the cobwebs.

"…I'll be right with you," the person said.

The person hopped into the ceiling, and Navi was alone with Link once more. Nothing happened. There was a sound of the Song of Time being played on the harp. The Door of Time opened. On the other side of the door was the person, shoving something into their back pocket.

"Mission accomplished," the person smiled.

"Thank you!" Navi glared at the figure.

"Navi," Link said, "Can you help me get the Skulltula-stuff off my sword?"

"Get it off yourself," Navi retorted.

Navi turned back to the person before them.

"Now what do _you_ want?" Navi hissed.

"Um…" the person paused, "Er, hey, could you turn around for a moment?"

"You're not going to chloroform us, are you?" Navi asked.

"Just turn around!" the figure glared.

Navi turned her back to the person, and Link followed shortly after.

"Navi?" Link asked.

"Yes, Link?"

"What's chloroform?"

"I have no clue."

"You can look now," the person said.

Navi and Link spun around once more. When they did, they saw that the figure had struck a pose. Suddenly, the 'Mission Impossible' music played in the background. As the music played, the person kept changing poses to the beat and spoke in time with the music.

"I've been waiting for you, Hero of Time…" the person said.

"You have?" Link asked.

"When evil rules all, an awakening voice from the Sacred Realm will call those destined to be sages, who dwell in the five Temples," the figure continued.

"Where's that music coming from?" Link looked at the ceiling; Navi did the same.

"One in a deep forest… One on a high mountain… One under a vast lake… One with the House of the Dead… One inside the Goddess of the Sand…" the person told.

Navi turned to the figure, "Have you rehearsed this?"

The person was unnerved, "Together with the Hero of Time, the awakened ones will bind the evil and return the light of peace to the world…"

"Where did the Sound Technician get this CD? I love this music!" Navi exclaimed.

Link bobbed his head, "I gotta get this put on my iPod."

Link paused.

"…I still wanna know where that music is coming from…" Link said, "And Navi?"

"Yes Link?" Navi asked.

"What's a CD?" Link asked.

"What's an iPod?" Navi asked.

"I guess we both have no clue," Link muttered.

"…This is the Legend of the Temples passed down by my people, the Sheikahs. I am Sheik, survivor of the Sheikahs…" the person continued.

"Sheik? Where is that music coming from?" Link continued to look at the ceiling.

"Erm, well…uh… Okay! _That's it_! KILL THE MUSIC!" Sheik yelled at the ceiling.

The music abruptly halted, and a weak scream was heard over the loud speakers. After this happened, a man wearing glasses and headphones walked into the room from the wall. This was the Totally Messed Studio's Sound Technician and he held a blood stained knife in his hand.

Link's jaw dropped, "Where did that blood come from?"

"And **who** did it come from?" Navi gulped.

Sheik paused, "…George, when I said 'kill the music' I meant _stop_ it. Not _actually _**kill** it…"

"Oh, whoops…" the Sound Technician shrugged.

The Sound Technician wiped the blood off on his shirt. He stepped back into the wall.

Sheik cleared his throat, "Ahem, now, where was I? Ah, yes. As I see you standing there, holding the mythical Master Sword, you really do look like the legendary Hero of Time…"

"I do?" Link asked.

"He does?" Navi asked.

"Yes… He does," Sheik sighed.

"Man," Link sighed, "Not only did I grow up, apparently, but I also look like the Hero of Time. …Whatever the guy looked like."

Navi smacked Link upside the head, "No, you idiot. You _are_ the Hero of Time, remember?"

"Then how come Sheik says I look like him," Link asked, "If I look like him, then I obviously can't _be_ him, right?"

Sheik paused, "If you believe the legend, you have no choice. You must look for the five Temples and awaken the five Sages…."

"But what if he _doesn't_?" Navi asked.

Sheik glared at Navi, "One Sage is waiting for the time of awakening in the Forest Temple. The Sage is a girl I'm sure you know… Because of the evil power in the Temple, she cannot hear the awakening call from the Sacred Realm…"

"Big deal," Link said, "Just buy her a hearing aid, and then she can go there by herself. And before you ask, Navi, I have no idea what a hearing aid is either."

Sheik rolled his eyes, "Unfortunately, equipped as you currently are, you cannot even enter the Temple…"

"Why not? It's a Temple, right? That means people worshipped there at some point. Wouldn't the general populous be able to enter whenever they wanted to?" Link paused, "Or, wait, is it one of those 'Members Only' religions?"

"Er, no," Sheik said, "It's because the stairs to the place were blown up hundreds of years ago, and nobody's bothered to replace them."

"Man," Link sighed, "We Hyrulians need to take better care of our Temples."

"Anyway, if you believe in what I am saying, you should head to Kakariko Village…" Sheik said.

"But, again, what if he doesn't believe!?" Navi exclaimed.

"The Mask Salesman said I should," Link piped up.

"Shut up, Link," Navi said.

"Do you understand, Link?" Sheik said.

"Yep!" Link exclaimed.

"Link, will you stop listening to people who ignore me?" Navi hissed.

"To save the forest girl, you need another skill… Head to Kakariko Village!" Sheik exclaimed.

Sheik threw a Deku Nut at Link's feet. When Sheik's Deku Nut slammed against the ground, there was a light so blinding that Link couldn't see for a few minutes.

"But I'm wondering…" Navi's body jolted again, "Should we believe what Sheik said and go to Kakariko Village?"

"Ummm… I don't see why not," Link paused, "Or wait… Was that another one of those 'Up Button Command' induced spit-out-obvious-nonsense moments?"

"Well, yes it was, but I still don't like Sheik." Navi said, "Anyway, I don't know why the authoress makes me say those idiotic lines! It's as if you couldn't do it yourself!"

"Yeah!" Link exclaimed, "The nerve!"

"No wait… I take that back," Navi said, "You probably wouldn't be able to do anything without me…"

"Oh thanks, Navi…" Link muttered, "And I'm the one who is supposed to be the hero. And even if I'm not as smart as you, at least I now have a big, strong, grown-up body to save Hyrule with!"

Link flexed his arm but none of his muscles appeared.

"Why won't it work?" Link asked.

"Who knows?" Navi said, "All I know is that you have a Sage to get hearing aids for. And we can probably buy those at the mall. Now, come on!"

Navi flew out of the Temple.

"Maybe it's because I haven't eaten in seven years…" Link muttered, "Or exercised…"

"Link, will you stop being smart!" Navi called out behind her, "It's freaky!"

Link followed Navi out of the Temple.

* * *

Link ran outside the Temple of Time, but only to see Navi frozen on the spot. Link walked up to her, and looked to see what she was gaping at. All he saw was an empty lot beside the Temple.

Link looked at Navi, then at empty lot, "Why are you looking at nothing?"

"W-w-w-we-we-well that's just it!" Navi shrieked, "There's n-n-n-no-no-nothing t-th-th-there!"

Link paused, "I see?"

"Link!" Navi grabbed onto his collar and shook him, "Seven years ago, th-the-the…THE—"

"The what?"

"THIS WAS WHERE THE SHOPPING MALL STOOD!" Navi screamed, "RIGHT HERE! AND NOW THERE'S NOTHING BUT RUBBLE!"

"Oh yeah," Link paused, "I guess there was a shopping center here."

Navi pulled Link closer, "What are we going to DO?! Now all the money I inherited from the Great Deku Tree is WASTED!"

Link scratched his head, "Well, that Rauru guy mentioned something about Ganondorf taking over Hyrule and all."

Navi shook Link more, "BUT WHY WOULD HE DESTROY THE-THE-THE MALL!?"

"Maybe they didn't have underwear in his size?" Link asked.

"Ohhhh…" Navi growled, "That is it. No more Missus NICE FAIRY!"

Navi flew up to Link's nose.

"Link! You have GOT TO make sure that _this guy_ DIES!" Navi snarled, "And when you kill him, you've got to cut his body into a million pieces, sell the pieces on eBay, kill everyone who bought the pieces, burn all of their remains, and then throw Ganondorf's ashes into Zelda's drinking water supply!"

"Why Zelda's?" Link asked.

"Because NONE of this would have happened if she hadn't stolen his jewel!" Navi yelled.

"I helped her with that," Link pointed out.

Navi glared at Link, "Just be glad that I _LIKE_ you."

Link paused, "You _like _me?"

Navi flew into Link's hat and swore to herself. Link exited the area.

* * *

Link thoroughly explored the Town Square. Half of the buildings were either torn down, or were nothing but heaps of rubble. The square was riddled with Re-deads, and Link barely made it out of there alive. Link caught his breath by the drawbridge, and then headed into the guardhouse there.

"Link, what are you doing?" Navi asked.

Link closed the door behind him, "Navi, not only do I have to go and find some pottery to heal my wounds, but I _also _want to find a washroom, since I haven't gone in seven years."

"Huh," Navi paused, "I wonder why your bladder hasn't exploded by now."

"Navi, what's a bladder—oh hey!" something caught Link's eye, "There's someone else in here!"

Navi turned around to see a hooded figure. It sat upon a bed that had been chained to the far wall. A dark and grimy cage that had been bolted to the wall overhead this man, withheld many different flames. Each flame burned a different colour, and each wore a different facial expression. Navi assumed that these were souls of various different unfortunate beings.

A pair of pale, skeletal legs hung idly from the wooden bed frame. His tattered and blotched shorts and cloak seemed to fit well with his wooden, thin staff.

A few of the souls began to scatter, and dance around the ceiling. The figure quickly snapped his wrist and banged the frame of the cage. The souls quickly retreated back to their place.

The hooded figure wore a Keaton mask.

"Oh," Navi said.

Link raised his eyebrow, "What?"

"He probably heard everything we've just said."

Link paused, "That's awkward."

"Well, well, well…" the figure adjusted his grip on his staff, "What a familiar face…"

Link pointed at his nose, "You know me?"

The figure cracked its neck, "It took me a moment to recognize you, boy… But it's more or less the small one with you who I remember vividly…"

Link turned to Navi, "You know this guy, Navi?"

Navi was speechless. The hooded figure removed the Keaton mask, revealing a single, red, glowing eye. The figure took the mask, bowed slightly, and held the mask over his heart.

"Mademoiselle," the figure said.

Link looked at Navi and looked back at the figure. Link's face fell as the life drained out of his face.

"Mademoiselle Fairy," the figure pointed to the left of him, "the nearest washroom is around the corner."

"Oh!" Navi perked up, "Thank you! Link, wasn't that nice of him?"

Link's knees knocked.

"Link, say thank you."

Link lifted up a trembling hand, "Th-th-th-th-th-thank y-y-y-yo-yo-you…"

"Don't worry about it…" the figure looked over at Navi, "After all, we had an arrangement…"

Navi was speechless once more, as Link got up the courage to walk past the hooded figure…whatever it was…and into the indicated washroom. As soon as Link re-entered the room, he grabbed Navi, and zipped out the door.

"Navi!" Link exclaimed, "See what happens to guys who deal in the Black Market!"

"They become cyclopses?" Navi asked.

"They keep peoples' _souls!_" Link shuddered, "Promise me, Navi, that you'll never, ever, ever, ever, **ever **meddle with the Black Market again!"

"But he told you where the washroom wa—"

"Ever!"

"Okay, fine," Navi shivered, "The selling of souls did kind of creep me out."

Link's jaw dropped, "He what?"

"Yeah, he told me while you were…_relieving_ yourself," Navi said, "But it's hard to believe that there's a market for them."

The life drained out of Link's face again, "C-c-ca-can-can we go to Karaoke Village now?"

"Yeah, let's do that," Navi sighed.

* * *

Link bolted across Hyrule Field and entered Kakariko Village. Upon entering, he wanted to finish the Cucco-Sidequest he never finished as a kid. However, to his despair, the Cucco Lady finally managed to keep her Cuccos in their pen. Link then wandered into the Graveyard to drown his sorrows by looking at the tombstones. Link stood in front of a grave on the far left. Link deliberately stepped on the flowers in front of it.

"I wonder who this was," Link sighed.

"Can't you read?" Navi asked.

Link gave Navi an unimpressed look.

"…Dumb question," Navi said, "It says that it belonged to Dampé the Expert Ballet Dancer and Gravekeeper."

"I see…" Link sighed, "An odd combination of occupations."

"I guess Dampé the dancer died…" Navi said.

"Who's Dampé?" Link asked.

Navi paused, "He was—Um… I'm not sure…"

"Hmm…" Link paused, "It seems that you_ aren't _all-knowing like I thought you were seven years ago."

"Oh shut up. Oh, I've got an idea!" Navi exclaimed, "Let's dig up the grave to see what Dampé looked like!"

Navi pulled on the back of the grave. It slid backward, and revealed a small, square hole. Link and Navi stared down the hole.

"Dude, aren't the graves supposed to be more, you know, rectangular like?" Link made a small diagram with his hands.

"Hmm…" Navi paused, "Maybe they cremated him."

Link looked around, "Good thing Dampé was the Gravekeeper. Doesn't look like anyone's replaced him."

Navi flew closer to the hole, "Hmm, my glow doesn't go very far down… This is deeper than I thought."

"And?"

"Maybe the funeral procession jumped one by one down this hole, and buried him down there!" Navi exclaimed, "Come on, let's go!"

"Now that just sounds silly," Link said, "Wai—WHAAA!"

Navi pushed Link forward, and Link promptly lost his balance. He fell feet first into the hole. Sure enough, there was a large room beneath the grave. Link and Navi looked around before they saw an ugly man with a scary face, wearing a tutu overtop of his brown potato sack of an outfit. The man was hovering above the ground and a small Halo floated above his head.

"Heh heh heh, young man! Are you fast on your feet?" the man, presumably Dampé, asked.

"AHHHHH! The ghost spoke!" Link yelled.

"Looks like they didn't cremate him," Navi said, "Well, now we know what he looks like. Link, let's go."

Link and Navi turned to the portal to the ground above.

"Wait! I may not look like it, but I'm confident in my speed and my dancing! Let's have a competition!" Dampé exclaimed, twirling around.

"In dancing or in racing?" Link asked.

"Both~" Dampé hummed, "Follow me if you dare!"

Navi sniffed the air, "Is it just me, or does something around here reek?"

A door, which Link thought was a wall, opened up behind Dampé. Dampé floated through the opening, and twirled while doing so. Link followed him. And, after a series of long, confusing pathways littered with monsters, Link followed Dampé to the end of this crypt.

"The time of this dance was 15:00 minutes!" Dampé exclaimed.

"Really? It felt longer than that," Navi said.

"So…many…catacombs!" Link wheezed.

"Hehehe, young man…you were very quick to be able to keep up with my dancing! Hehehe!" Dampé grinned.

"I was?" Link asked.

"He was?" Navi asked.

"As a reward, I am going to give you my treasure," Dampé said, "It's called the hookshot! Its spring-loaded chain will pull you to any spot where its hook sticks. Doesn't that sound cool?"

"Not…really…" Link paused, "You made me race you for something like _that?_ That's just inconvenient!"

"Not like we have anything better to do," Navi grumbled, "Stupid Ganondorf, taking out the mall and all."

"I'm sure it will help you all the same!" Dampé smiled, "I live here now, so come back again some time."

"Live is not quite the word I'd use for you're current situation," Navi said, "Considering that you, you know, are buried here?"

"I'll give you something cool!" Dampé said.

"Cooler than this time?" Link's face lit up.

"No, just a Heart Piece."

"Ohhh…" Link said.

"Did I mention that something around here still reeks?" Navi asked.

"One more thing…" Dampé said.

"What is it now?" Link sighed.

"Your attitude, your looks, your _style!_" Dampé examined Link from head to toe, "If you wanted to be, I'd say you'd be the World's Best Break Dancer!"

"I do?" Link asked.

"I'm a pro, sonny," Dampé said, "After a while, you can just _tell _who has got the talent."

Link flipped his hair, "Well, I _do _have great abs."

"But Link!" Navi bobbed up and down, "You haven't exercised in seven years!"

"Be careful on your way back, my budding break-dancing student! Heheheheh…" Dampé chuckled.

"Odd…" Navi paused.

"Well, it's not everyday an undead, professional dancer and gravekeeper tells you that you have talent," Link's face was absorbed by his smug expression.

"Say…" Navi looked at a pathway in front of them, "The path leads off somewhere… Let's go check it out."

Link grinned, "Oh come on, Navi. Admit it. You're _jealous._"

"No I am not!" Navi said, "Come on, the only way we can go is this way, since Dampé sealed the door we just came from, behind us!"

"Huh…" Link looked at the sealed door, "I knew there was a door there before."

"…_Link!_" Navi said.

"And what about that old, molding chest over there?" Link asked.

Link pointed to a large chest in the corner. It looked like it had been there for ages, due to it's copious amounts of cobwebs and the fact that it was molding in one corner.

"That' probably where the Hookshot Dampé was talking about is kept…" Navi said, "Maybe that's what reeks."

"I think Sheik's extremely unsubtle hint was telling me to get this," Link said.

Link opened the chest and DUN UN UN UNN! Link got theHookshot! A small, spring loaded item that allows you to cling onto specific objects in the game. And let me tell you, when I say specific, I mean VERY specific.

"Hey! Cool!" Link said, "This looks better than I thought it would be! Let's try it out!"

Link fit the Hootshot in his hand, and aimed it in front of him. It shot out a meter before it started to fall to the ground, and retracted.

"…I guess I'll just have to stand _real _close to anything I want this to stick to," Link said.

"Link…" Navi wheezed, "Close that stinky chest! I think I'm turning green."

Link looked at the chest, then plugged his nose, "Aiya! What else is in there that smells so bad?!"

Link slammed the chest shut. Navi gasped for air, however one of the tormenting stentches lingered on. Navi flew away from Link in an attempt to get a breath of fresh air, but then discovered something…

"Navi! Don't go!" Link yelled.

"Sorry, Link, but I think you need some _really powerful _deodorant," Navi said.

"No, that can't be true!" Link said, "Plus, neither you or I have any clue what deodorant is because it won't be invented for few more hundred years!"

"True, but something on you _stinks!_" Navi said.

"Hmph!" Link ran down the path.

In the next room, there was a large blue block with a symbol Link had briefly seen in the Temple of Time.

"What's this?" Link asked.

"Wait… This has the same symbol as the Door of Time! Play the song of time to get rid of it!" Navi said.

"And you know this _how?_" Link asked.

Navi shrugged, "Well, if you could _read _then you'd be able to tell see that somebody spray painted what I just told you on the front of the block."

Sure enough, there was large, red, spray painted words graffitied all over the block.

Link shook his head, "Stupid vandals…"

Link played Song of Time. Suddenly a blue light from above engulfed the block in front of him, and the block vanished from sight.

Link gasped, "_Aliens!_**"  
**

* * *

Link continued to walk down the path, and he ended up in strange area with an axle circling around in the center. Link managed to stumble into this place from the second floor, and hopped down. Link looked around, and saw a man, playing a music box. His eyes were bloodshot.

"Okay, Link, I know this whole idea of de-stinking yourself regularly is new to you, but seriously, that stench is either something on you, or your armpits," Navi said.

Link crossed his arms, "Well, _excuuuuuuuuu—_"

Navi glared at Link, "I told you not to say that!"

"Erm, hey there, Mister Dude Guy Person!" Link waved to the music box man.

"Grrrrrrrrr! I'll never forget what happened that day, seven years ago!" the music man growled.

"Hey, seven years? That's about the time I—" Link started.

"Quiet, Link," Navi said, "You do not want to arouse suspicion."

"But I haven't done anything to him!" Link exclaimed, "I've never seen him before now!"

"Grrrrrrrrr! It's all that ocarina kid's fault!" the man said.

"Hey, I have an ocarina—" Link began to pull out his Ocarina, but Navi glared at him so he shut up.

"Next time here comes around here, I'm going to mess him up!" the man threatened.

"Nope, sir, no siree," Link avoided the man's gaze, "I don't have an Ocarina, nope, not at all."

The Ocarina of Time fell out of Link's pocket and clattered to the ground.

"What?!" the music man glared at the Ocarina, "You've got an ocarina! What the heck!"

"Erm, no, not at all!" Link stuffed the Ocarina in his shirt, "This one is, um, hers!"

"Hey!" Navi said.

"That reminds me of the time, seven years ago! Back then a mean kid came here and played a strange song. It messed up this windmill!" the music man said. "I'll never forget this song!"

The music man played a few notes, Link repeated and… DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned the Song of Storms!

* * *

The camera showed outside, and zoomed in on Kakariko's windmill. The inside of the windmill was apparently the mysterious room our heroes were inside. As clouds thicken overhead, the windmill began the spin faster and faster around.

* * *

The camera suddenly showed back inside the windmill, and how the axle in the middle of the room was also going double speed. For some reason, it was also raining and thundering inside as it was outside, despite the obvious roof.

"Holy crap!" Navi peeked her head through the door, "Ooo! Look! It's raining outside!"

Link looked at his Ocarina and chuckled, "I am _soo _trying this at home."

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"…Umm…" Link paused, "As far as I can recall, this is the first time I've ever played this song…"

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"But I've only played it once!" Link exclaimed.

"Oh, no!" the angry music man exclaimed, "A storm again! You've played the ocarina again, didn't you! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

"I don't think he can hear you," Navi said, "Come on, let's go."

Link walked to the door—this in itself took quite a bit of coordination, and it took Link several times before he actually landed in the part of land that had the door on it.

* * *

When Link walked outside, the Cucco lady from before ran up to Link.

"I bred a need type of miniature cucco! I call it the Pocket Cucco!" pride radiated off the Cucco Lady's face, "I don't get goose bumps from this baby."

"That's _nice?_" Link asked.

"I'm not sure what to say…" Navi paused, "A woman who is obsessed with chickens just randomly ran up to us and said she doesn't get hives from them anymore. That qualifies as way too much information."

"Cuccos are very good at getting lazy, late-risers out of bed," the Cucco Lady asked, "Haven't you heard of them before?"

"No, but I've incubated an egg once…" Link said, "Whatever 'incubate' means…"

"It makes them very happy to crow: 'CUCCKOOOO!' especially when it wakes up a heavy sleeper!" the Cucco Lady smiled.

"I _see_?" Navi paused, "Will you leave us alone now?"

"However, my Cucco is not entirely happy right now…" the Cucco Lady sighed, "You… You look like you're good at handling cuccos."

"I do?" Link asked.

"He does?" Navi asked.

"Now, here, take this egg," the Cucco Lady plopped an Egg into Link's hands.

"Ummmmm…" Link poked the Egg, "You said your Cucco isn't looking very happy right now…but I can't even tell."

"No, duh, Link," Navi said, "It hasn't even been born yet."

"Oh."

The Cucco Lady ran back suspiciously to guard her Cucco pen.

Navi paused, "I have a feeling that we're in a scam…"

"Oh, nonsense, Navi," Link said, "All we can possibly be in for is a long, drawn out Trading Game Side-Quest. Nothing big."

"I dunno, Link," Navi sighed, "Anyway, that terrible smell is defiantly coming from you. I don't know how or why, but it is."

Link paused, "Maybe it's because I haven't had a bath in seven years. Or my whole life, even…"

Navi twitched.

* * *

Link then headed off onto Hyrule Field once more. And having nothing better to do, he wandered into Lon Lon Ranch. Either that, or he got lost on his way back to the Kokiri Village. (This is why Navi should be the one carrying the maps, not Link.) He made it to Lon Lon Ranch by nightfall. In the center of the ranch's large corral, stood a thin woman with long, flowing hair. She had her back turned towards Link, since she was facing the moon. As Link drew nearer, he could hear her faint singing grow louder. Link crept towards her.

"BOO!" Link shouted.

The red-headed woman turned around, paused for ten seconds, and began screaming at the top of her lungs.

"Ahhh! Ahhh! Ahhhhh!" she shrieked.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Link put his hands up, "No, no, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to scare you! Okay, well, yes I did, but I didn't think you'd scream like this!"

She blinked. She peered at our hero, and after a small pause, she spoke.

"Oh, I thought you were Mr. Ingo," the redhead said.

Navi raised an eyebrow, "In the middle of the night?"

Link put his hands on his hips, "Honestly, by the sounds of things, I'm not the only person to say 'boo' when sneaking up behind people."

There was another pause, "Please keep it a secret from Mr. Ingo that I sing this song."

"Ummm, _why?_" Link asked.

There was a small pause before the red headed woman began to sing again.

"That red hair, that short term memory, that slow reaction time," Navi said, "This woman has got to be—"

"Ganondorf?" Link gasped.

"No!" Navi smacked Link upside the head, "It's Malon from seven years ago!"

"Ohhhh," Link peered at Malon carefully, "I thought his eyebrows looked better than usual."

Navi face palmed.

"Shh! Hey, Malon, could you keep it down?" Link waved his hands towards her.

The redhead, Malon, paused, "You don't like this song?"

"It's not the song," Link hushed, "It's that dang horse of yours! Honestly, I don't want to get mobbed by that thing again after seven years!"

Navi sighed, "I think her name was Epona."

Malon paused once more, "Epona's real nice once you get to know her, Mr. Ingo."

"For the last time, I am not Mr. Ingo," Link said.

"Hmmm…" Malon paused, "No, I'm pretty sure you are…"

Link pointed to his face, "Does Mr. Ingo look as gorgeous as I do?"

"Link, neither you or I can tell if you look at all attractive," Navi said.

"Ummmm…" Malon paused, "I can't remember…"

Both Link and Navi gave her a blank stare.

"Now that's just sad," Navi sighed.

"Malon, doll, you can't be—" Link started.

The Ocarina of Time clattered to the ground. There was another pause.

"…Oh!" Malon exclaimed, "You have an Ocarina!"

"Erm, yeah…" Link said, "Okay, then… Can Mr. Ingo play the ocarina?"

Link took the ocarina off the ground, and played Epona's Song before Malon had a chance to _try _to teach it to him. After he finished, there was a very long pause.

"You…" Malon paused, "Do you know my mother's song?"

"Well, yeah," Link said, "You taught it to me a couple days ago…or I guess it would be seven years and a couples days ago."

Navi smiled, "Well, just proves that you have a better memory than her."

There was another pause, "Then that means…"

"Means?" Link raised his eyebrow.

"That you're not Mr. Ingo!" Malon said.

"…Mr. Ingo has an ocarina?" Link asked.

"Everyone really liked that song… my dad…even Mr. Ingo…" Malon started.

Link raised an eyebrow, "But I thought you told me not to tell Mr. Ingo that you sang it."

"In the middle of the night," Navi added, "All alone."

Malon appeared not to hear this, "But…since Ganondorf appeared, Mr. Ingo has changed completely. I can remember the good old days only when I sing this song."

Navi paused, "You can _only _remember the good old days when you sing a song that your mother taught you? Wouldn't you have negative connotations with that song, instead of positive ones?"

"Navi, let her monologue," Link said, "It's not like we haven't let everyone else do it for the past six chapters."

"Also…Epona really liked that song. Only I could tame that horse…Even Mr. Ingo had a hard time. Hee hee hee!" Malon giggled.

"Yeah, eh heh," Link chuckled nervously, "…Freaky horse… Freaky, untamed horse…"

"If Ingo had trouble taming Epona than we're up the creek," Navi said.

"Crap," Link paled.

"But," Malon finally reacted, "All you need to do to tame Epona is play Epona's song…"

"Oh please, Malon. If it was _that _simple, than Ingo would have figured it out ages ago," Navi looked around, "Where is that creep, anyway?"

"Umm… He's in the Farmhouse, in the upstairs room. He should be asleep…" Malon blushed.

"Thank you," Navi sighed.

Link turned 'round and walked into the barn, where he found Ingo previously. After a bad encounter with a couple of the farm animals inside, Link bolted out of the building, and zipped into the one across from it. There, Link found some Cuccos. After another traumatizing experience, Link heaved his way up the stairs, and took shelter in the room there. There, Link could hear a loud snoring. He turned around to see Mr. Ingo sleeping on a bed. Link examined the room more closely and noted that all the lights were on, so Mr. Ingo was probably wasting good lamp oil.

"Man," Link put his hands on his hips, "I can't stand people who leave the lamps on all night. Not only is it wasteful, but you could also burn down your tree hut!"

"Link, lanterns don't burn down buildings fast enough," Navi said, "That's what Din's Fire is for."

Link scratched his head, "Oh _yeaahh…_"

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Mr. Ingo muttered.

"Wow… He's gotten uglier over the years…" Navi noted.

Link paused, "How can Malon compare him to _me?_"

There was a long silence.

Link bent down, "Should I poke him, like I did to Talon?"

"I don't think you should," Navi paused, "What will he think if he wakes up?"

"Hmm… You're right," Link smiled, "Let's wake him up anyways then run away!"

"Link, that's probably not such a good idea—" Navi said.

Link pulled out his sword, and lightly poked it's tip at Ingo's side. Ingo twitched.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Ingo moaned.

"…_Okay…_" Link paused, "What the heck?"

"Ummm… Poke him harder?" Navi asked.

Link, dissatisfied with being unable to get any decent reaction out of the middle-aged man, jabbed at him harder. To Link's surprise, the sword encountered no resistance, and went straight through Ingo. Link hastily retracted his blade, and began looking for evidence of injury. There was none. Ingo didn't move.

Link went wide-eyed, "I-I am so sorry!"

"Too late, Link," Navi said, "He's probably dead."

Ingo rolled over.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…" Ingo snored.

Link's eyes watered, "He's alive!"

"We'll just pretend that didn't happen, and hopefully, there won't be a lawsuit held against you," Navi said.

"But why didn't he die?" Link paused.

"Oh yeah…" Navi paused, "He's an NPC."

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link looked at Navi, "Does that mean he's just gonna continue to say the same thing over and over again like Ruto did?"

"Pretty much," Navi sighed.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link paused, "…He's like a broken record…"

"An annoying one, at that," Navi said, "By the way, Link, what's a—"

Without letting Navi finish her sentence, Link hopped up on Ingo's bed and began to jump up and down.

"Heeeeeeeeeyyyyyaaa! Mr. Innnngoooo! Waaaakkke uupppp!" Link called out.

**Fun fact: **Link can climb onto the bed and trample Ingo while he's asleep. Try it; it works.

"ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… S-Stop that song… I… I… mumble… mumble…"

Link took a deep breath, "WAKEY WAKEY!"

Because Link hollered at the top of his lungs into Mr. Ingo's ears; Ingo became partially deaf.

"_HELLO!_" Link yelled once more.

Link began to step on Ingo when he bounced.

"ZZZZ*squish*ZZZZZZZZZ… S-*squish*Stop that song*squish*… I… I… mumble…*squish*…mumble…"

"Oh, Farore…" Link panted, "This guy's hard to get up."

"Imagine what his mother had to do when he was in High School!" Navi said.

Link, bored senseless and slightly exhausted, rummaged through his Pockets, and reemerged with the Pocket Cucco Egg.

"Hey!" Link held up the Pocket Cucco Egg, "That Cucco Lady with the hives said that this egg likes to wake people up!"

"I dunno, Link…" Navi paused, "I think it's gonna have to hatch first—"

"Okay, then we just have to throw this egg at him!" Link exclaimed.

Link chucked the Pocket Egg at Mr. Ingo's head. It ricocheted off his forehead, leaving an indented bruise behind. The Pocket Egg then rolled across the floor, out the door and down the stairs. A loud cackle of panicked Cuccos erupted from downstairs.

"…Oh…wow…" Navi paused.

"That's lame!" Link huffed, "The egg didn't even work. Let's get out of here…"

Link shoved his hands in his pockets and stormed down the stairs with Navi close behind. He picked up the unharmed egg from among the startled Cuccos, and attempted to sink his teeth into it out of pure spite. He chipped a tooth.

Navi sighed, "Okay, I know that eggs supposedly have a very stable and strong structure, but this is ridiculous!"

Link walked outside, slamming the door behind him. As expected, Ingo didn't wake up.

"Wait! I got an idea! Let's egg the house!" Link exclaimed.

Link took a couple of steps back, and threw the egg at the wall with all his might. It crashed through the wall. Another loud eruption of panicked cackles came from the Cuccos. Navi flew through the hole, and came back with the egg. Link snatched the egg from her, and chucked it at a different part of the wall. Another hole splintered open. This went on for several hours. In end, all Link managed to accomplish was filling the house with egg-shaped holes. Which, as Link thought, sucked. Link pulled his ocarina and played the Sun's Song.

Link cackled, "This'll make the day come quicker and he'll only have a few hours of sleep!"

Navi sighed, "Link, I think you might be going insane from the lack of having successful plans."

Link's eyelid twitched, "Oh, on the contrary, Navi! It's everyone else in Hyrule who's going insane!"

Link erupted into a long chain of maniacal laughter.

"Link, please calm down," Navi sighed, "You're going to embarrass yourself. Actually, no. You're going to embarrass me. Which is even worse."

Link, in his semi-crazed state, wandered like a drunk through the barn door. There, Malon had somehow instantly transported herself inside. And she was carrying a bucket. Don't ask.

"Oh…a visitor! It's been a long time since we've had a visitor here…" Malon exclaimed.

"Don't you remember us?" Navi paused.

"BWAHAHA!" Link laughed, "Perfect! My plan is working!"

There was a long pause. Minus Link's evil cackling.

"You have a plan?" Navi asked.

Link started doodling on the wall. With his finger.

"Ummm…" Malon paused, "I don't think that's normal…"

"For Link?" Navi asked, "Of course it is! Just ignore him, and continue with your monologue."

"Wait…I think I remember seeing a bright blue light saying 'That makes sense'…" Malon said.

"Ohh… I see…" Link did not stop doodling on the wall.

"Wait, what the crap does that have to do with anything!?" Navi buzzed up and down.

Malon, who looked as if she was lost in thought, suddenly turned to Link and Navi.

Malon blinked, "Where did you come from?"

Navi face-palmed.

"Oh, but my dear," Link's eyelid twitched, "Can't you _tell _where we came from?!"

Malon looked at the ceiling, "Well… Let's see… Since Ganondorf came, people in the Castle Town have gone, places have been ruined, and monsters are wandering everywhere. Mr. Ingo is just using the ranch to gain Ganondorf's favour… And everyone seems to be turning evil…"

There was a pause.

"Does that make us evil too?" Navi asked.

Malon appeared not to hear Navi, "But dad…he was kicked out of the ranch by Mr. Ingo… If I disobey Mr. Ingo, he will treat the horses so badly…so…there's nothing I can do…"

Navi sighed, "Well, she's the same abrupt topic switcher we knew from seven years ago."

"By the way… Where are you from?" Malon asked.

There was another long pause.

"From the Temple!" Link exclaimed.

"Link!" Navi sighed, "You know as well as I do that that technically isn't where we came from! Now, if you don't stop acting insanely—"

"Navi?" Link looked up at the roof, "Will the ceiling explode if Aliens come?"

Navi picked up a bucket from off the ground and smacked Link across the face with it.

"No! Aliens don't exist!" Navi snapped, "And, Link, if you don't stop acting like you are insane, you're going to commit all sorts of dastardly deeds. And if that happens, and you don't repent, you know what that makes you?!"

"You're priests!" Malon gasped.

Navi and Link stared at Malon. There was a long pause.

"No!" Navi snapped at Link, "It makes you just like Ganondorf—the Destroyer of Malls!"

Link hung his head, "I understand, Navi."

"Now that's better," Navi nodded, "So what do you have to say to this young thing, Link?"

Link turned to Malon.

"Malon, we'll free you from Mr. Ingo…" Link patted Malon on the shoulder.

"Come on! We have to demand that Mr. Ingo never lets Malon leave this ranch! Imagine how lost she'd be if she was ever let out!" Navi exclaimed.

"You're right, Navi!" Link gasped, "We'll have to demand that he lets her go free but never lets her leave this ranch!"

The two of them left the barn, determination on their faces.

Malon gasped, "Ganondorf was here!"

* * *

Link returned outside. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a figure in a ridiculous outfit, standing by the corral. Link determined it was Ingo since he was the only other person in the ranch besides Malon. Link snuck around, out of his view, and slowly crept up behind him. While sneaking up on him, Ingo was muttering loudly to himself, and Link heard the following…

"Did stupid Talon hafta leave his stupid daughter behind in the ranch? It was nice at first, considering I had an attractive young girl following me around to do the farmwork, but had I known about 'er odd behaviour, then I never would have kept her here!" Ingo spat onto the ground in front of him.

"BOO!" Link exclaimed.

"That stupid delayed reaction time of hers makes the whole ranch messed up!" Ingo clenched his teeth, "Because of 'er, the entire Ranch's schedule gets delayed by three hours! Every day is three hours later than the previous day! And every day we stay up three hours later than usual!"

"I said BOO!" Link said louder.

"Once I tried waken' her up at bloody four am! Four AM!" Ingo glared at Navi, who was flying in circles around his head, "But all that ever did was have 'er finally react at seven am and ask me 'whatcha wake me up at four am for?'!"

"You know," Navi said, "It's kind of sad that he's noticed me, but he hasn't noticed you yet."

"And 'den she just rolle' over and fall asleep again for another three hours!" Ingo growled, "I swear, if Ganondorf doesn't give me a raise, then I'm going back to find Talon again!"

"BOO!" Link lightly shoved Ingo.

Ingo turned around, grabbed Link's collar, and began shaking him repeatedly.

"There are some people in Kakariko spreading rumors that I cheated Talon out of the ranch, but… Don't be ridiculous!" Ingo exclaimed, "That guy Talon was weak! I, the hard-working Ingo, poured so much energy into this place!"

"Waaahhh!" Link managed to let out, "I have a feeling that this is going to be in the sequel!"

"Link, who'd want to create a sequel to this fanfic?" Navi asked.

"I don't want any strangers like you saying anything bad about me!" Mr. Ingo snapped at Link.

"But I didn't say anything!" Link told Mr. Ingo.

"Whoa," Navi said, "is that bruise on his forehead in the shape of an egg?"

Ingo let go of Link, as if he did not hear Navi's last statement.

"Listen. The Great Ganondorf recognized my obvious talents and gave the ranch to me! I will raise a fine horse and win recognition from the Great Ganondorf!" Ingo chuckled.

"I still didn't say anything!" Link said, "Okay, maybe I said 'boo', but that doesn't count!"

"Huh," Navi paused, "I wonder which horse?"

"Eh? What's that?" Ingo put his hand to his ear, "Don't mumble!"

"I SAID: 'IT DOESN'T COUNT'!" Link shouted.

"What doesn't count?" Mr. Ingo eyed Link suspiciously.

"Has he gone deaf or something?" Navi asked.

"Never you mind! Say, young man, do you want to ride one of my find horses? Pay me 10 rupees and you can ride." Ingo offered.

Link shrugged, "'Kay."

"Link!" Navi buzzed up and down, "We've been over this!"

"What was that?" Ingo held his hand up to his ear again.

"I SAID: 'OKAY'!" Link replied.

"Do you want to hear how to ride?" Ingo asked.

"Ummm…" Navi paused, "Don't you just hop on a horse's back and steer it using the reins?"

"Pardon?" Ingo asked, frowning.

"NO, WE DO NOT WANT TO KNOW HOW TO RIDE!" Navi shouted.

"Thank you so much. Heh heh!" Ingo chuckled.

"I think he didn't hear you correctly…" Link said.

"Whatever," Navi sighed.

Link entered the corral and played Epona's Song. Epona charged towards him.

"AHHH!" Link attempted to shove the pony away from him, "Why does everyone keep wanting to mob me?!"

"Because that's how this fanfic works, Link," Navi said.

Link turned around to see Ingo. Ingo looked rather puzzled since he had heard Link's outburst.

"I mean… Oh, look how fluffy her mane is!" Link patted Epona's mane nervously.

"Eh?"

Link groaned, "NEVERMIND!"

"Hey young man! Do I know you?" Ingo asked.

Link bit his lip, "Er, um…_noooo_…"

"Eh?" Ingo paused.

"NO," Link raised his voice, then added: "you deaf old geezer."

"Oh… I just felt as though I've seen you somewhere before… If you use Z-Targeting, you can talk to me from horseback." Ingo explained.

"Z-targeting?" Link blinked, "What in Farore's name is Z-Targeting?"

"I have no clue," Navi sighed, "Ask him."

"Are you ready to go home so soon?" Ingo asked.

"NO!" Link exclaimed, patting Epona. "WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?"

"Tsk tsk… When your time is up, I'll kick you out of here," Ingo spat on the ground.

After ten seconds…

"Hey! Times up young man! You only paid 10 rupees! You've played around long enough!" Ingo screamed.

Ingo booted Link out of the corral. Link would have paid for another round, however, he only had ten rupees from seven years ago. But, Link was a stubborn man, so he wandered around the Ranch. After breaking open several pots, and robbing them of their contents, Link walked back up to Ingo with sixty rupees in tow. Link played Epona's song once he was in the corral, and hopped on Epona before she could mob him again. Ingo watched Link with mild interest.

"You're getting better! How about a little race with me? One lap around the corral with that horse. Let's make a little wager, let's say 50 rupees," Ingo offered.

"Ooo!" Navi exclaimed, "Gambling! That's almost as good as bribing people!"

"No," Link snapped at Ingo, "I raided this farm so that I could run around the corral for a minute, so—"

"Will you quit mumbling, darn it!" Ingo snapped, stamping his foot.

Link took a deep breath, "N—"

"SURE," Navi yelled, "HE'LL RACE!"

Link glared at Navi. Soon Link found himself in a horse race with Ingo, and sure enough, Link won the race pretty easily. However, Ingo began spazzing after Link beat him.

"Sh-Shoooot!" Ingo outburst, "If the Great Ganondorf found out about this humiliation… Hey, you! How about another race!"

"Um…" Link paused.

"Link, he's just being a sore loser," Navi said, "Just ignore him—"

"If you win… you can keep…the horse!" Ingo exclaimed.

"Okay, never mind," Navi said.

"Wha—"

Link soon found himself in another race with Mr. Ingo. Link won once again, however, he had a bit more trouble this time. Ingo began spazzing again.

"What's up with that horse?!" Ingo screamed.

"I DUNNO," Link yelled Ingo.

"Link, why are you yelling?" Navi asked.

Link sighed, "Because this guy won't hear me if I don't."

"Don't be silly, Link."

"Is that Epona?" Ingo asked.

"Yes," Navi said.

"What?" Ingo asked.

"YES," Link hollered.

"How did you tame that wild horse right under my nose?!" Ingo demanded.

"We didn't," Navi said, "We just managed to play a song, and she came stampeding over."

"BECAUSE WE'RE NINJAS," Link yelled.

"Argh! I was going to present that horse to the Great Ganondorf…but I bet it on a race and lost!" Ingo screamed.

"Remember kids!" Navi turned to the camera, "Gambling is _good!_"

"Shooot!" Ingo yelled.

Ingo suddenly stopped spazzing, and walked over to some open gates.

"Hah ha hah!" Ingo cackled, "As I promised, I'll give the horse to you… However… I'll never let you leave this ranch!"

"Aw, man!" Link said, "We were supposted to convince Ingo to keep Malon in this ranch forever, not ourselves!"

"Oh please, you think this guy's serious?" Navi asked.

Link and Navi turned just in time to see Mr. Ingo close the gates. Effectively shutting them inside.

"So… Now what?" Link asked.

"Well, we could try jumping over the gates," Navi said, "After all, Epona's jumped taller stuff than this."

"True!"

Link then used Epona to charge towards the gate. However, for some reason, Link wasn't able to just jump over Ingo's head.

Link sighed, "…Stupid invisible walls…"

"Alright, if we can't get out—" Navi then pinched her nose, "Augh! I can't take it anymore! What is making you smell so bad?!"

Navi flew into Link's tunic and began rummaging through his pockets.

"Wait, what?" Link asked.

"There's something about you that stinks!" Navi grumbled, "And, I refuse to believe that you have _that bad _body odour. Ah ha! I think I found something."

Navi reemerged from Link's pockets with one of Link's bottles. On it was a label from Lon Lon Ranch.

"Wait… Is that the Lon Lon milk?" Link asked.

"I believe so," Navi handed Link the bottle.

Link sniffed the bottle, "Ew, this thing _does _smell fairly gross."

"That's probably because it's gone sour," Navi examined some fine print on the side of the bottle.

"Why do you say that?" Link asked.

"It says on the side, 'Expires: March 21, 100'… What year is it now?" Navi turned to Link.

"107," Link shrugged.

"And I read on Ingo's calendar that it's March 22. In other words, this expired over seven years ago," Navi held up the stinky bottle, "So we should probably dump it out."

"If you say so," Link shrugged.

Link uncorked the bottle. The odour that emerged from it was at least ten times worse than it was when the bottle was sealed. Link turned green, and tried to keep himself from throwing up when he saw the chucky pieces of mush within the bottle. He hastily shut the bottle.

"Ugh, this stuff is disgusting!" Link covered his mouth.

"I've got an idea," Navi said, "Let's go dump it on Ingo."

"Invisible wall, remember?" Link said.

"Right…" Navi paused.

The odour that emerged from the bottle obviously had a stunning effect on Epona, since she began hallucinating. Among her various hallucinations, Epona saw Navi as a blue carrot, and began charging in front of her. Navi, upon noting Epona's hungry look in her eye, flew toward the fence in the distance. Epona rampaged after her. Link, who was caught off guard by this, began screaming while trying to think of ways to get off of Epona without seriously injuring himself. As Navi flew over the tall fence, Epona leapt through the air with Link still on her back.

"GET ME OFF OF THIS CREATURE!" Link hollered.

"Hmm…so I guess that kid really didn't train that horse under my nose...he doesn't know anything about riding," Ingo paused, "But how the heck did I lose to an idiot who can't ride a horse?"

* * *

Meanwhile, on Hyrule Field…

"Heh, heh, heh, _nice horsey…_" Link chuckled nervously, "_Pretty horse… Good horsey…_"

Link cautiously got off of Epona. Epona began to chase after some butterflies which she hallucinated to be red carrots.

"Ha ha ha ha…" Link chuckled nervously.

"Well that was an adventure…" Navi said.

"I know," Link gulped, "It made the rest of this fanfic look like it was worth reading…"

"Link, this fanfic will never be worth reading," Navi said.

"Anyway," Link breathed heavily, "Where now?"

"We could try egging the ranch from out here," Navi said.

"I can't, the Cucco hatched when I played Sun Song," Link said.

"Link, how could you leave out an important fact like that!?" Navi exclaimed, "A bird has been _born,_ and you don't feel like mentioning it?"

"No," Link said.

Navi sighed, "Well, since the Cucco has hatched, we might as make it happy and show it to a sleepy person…"

"Ingo?" Link asked.

"No, nitwit, he's already awake!"

"Hmm…how 'bout the sleeping man then?" Link suggested.

"You mean Talon?" Navi asked.

"Yeah, the sleeping man."

Navi sighed, "Sure… Now where is he?"

"I heard some really loud snoring coming from one of the houses in Karaoke," Link told Navi.

"I'm pretty sure it's Kakariko, Link," Navi said.

"It was pretty loud though, considering we were at the other end of the village…" Link paused, "And I think I can hear it quite well from here…"

"Link, that's not possible," Navi said.

"But you said yourself that Talon's snoring gets louder over time!" Link said.

Navi rolled her eyes, "Link, let's go!"

Link and Navi headed to Kakariko village with the egg that the random Cucco Lady gave them.

* * *

Link wandered around the village, searching for Talon by going into people's houses at random. He soon entered a red brick house near the exit towards Death Mountain. Inside, he found what looked like a shop, and a burly man stood behind the counter—he did not look the sort to be easily intimidated.

"That doesn't look like Talon," Navi said, "He looks like the sort to that isn't easily intimidated."

"Well, still," Link said, "I haven't gone shopping in seven years. Besides he might be selling something cool."

Link approached the counter.

"Hello thar, big fella," the man grunted, "What can I get fer ya, today?"

"Well, let's see…" Link looked closely at the items on the shelf.

"Link, we don't have time for this," Navi said.

The big man paled.

"Of course we do!" Link said, "It's not like that person at the Forest Temple is going to get any more deaf than they already are."

"K-K-K—" the burly man began to sweat, "K-Kind Sir! Kind Butterfly! What're ye doin' 'ere?"

"I'm not a butterfly, you buffoon!" Navi snapped.

"Of course not, miss," the man blubbered, "'Twas my mistake. You'd be a Moth. I see it now."

"I'm not a moth either!" Navi said.

"Wait…" Link pointed at the man, "I remember you."

The burly man looked like he would faint.

"K-Kind Sir, y-yer not 'ere fer…fer…" the man gulped, "…me life, are ye?"

"No, I'm not here to take yer life, I mean, your life," Link sighed.

The burly man wiped his brow with a shaky hand.

"Ye really are a kind sir, Kind Sir," the burly man said, "Yer kindness 'asn't changed over teh years."

"Now, if you're not going to sell me anything, then I'll be on my way—" Link said.

"Oh, oh, please, Kind Sir!" the man gave Link a weak smile, "Me, me wife and I were 'bout to 'ave a bite to eat, see… And, well, if yer hungry, then me wife can fix up somethin' fer ya too…"

"Actually I am kind of—" Link started.

"No, we'd best be on our way," Navi said, "_Right,_ Link?"

Link sighed, "Yes, Navi."

"Well, best luck to ye," the man behind the counter waved, "You, Kind Sir, and you, Kind Butterfly!"

"For the last time, I am not a butterfly!" Navi said.

Link and Navi headed out the door.

* * *

After searching all of the houses, Link finally found Talon. Within the house where he slept, were two women, both of them wearing large, thick earmuffs. Link rummaged through his pockets, pulled out the Cucco, and made it crow at Talon. His snoring immediately stopped, and he sat bolt upright.

"What in tarnation? Can't a person get a little shut-eye around here?" Talon yelled.

"Nope!" Link smiled, "Not with me in town!"

"Did you save Malon?" Talon asked.

"Where did that come from?" Navi asked.

"Ummm…" Link bit his lip, "Yeah, I guess we _kinda_ did…"

"Thanks! I'm going back to the ranch, then! Yeehah!" Talon exclaimed.

With that, Talon got up, ran out the door, and headed to Lon Lon Ranch. The entire time, he was waving his arms.

"How odd," Navi said.

"…So, I guess this is a happy ending?" Link asked.

Navi's body jolted, "I wonder what's going on in the forest right now… I'm worried about Saria, too!"

Link raised his eyebrow, "I'm worried about Saria?"

"Link!" Navi said, "That was another spit out obvious nonsense moments!"

Link flopped over, "Not another one of those spit out obvious nonsense moments…"

"It's not my fault!" Navi exclaimed, "Blame the authoress! _She's _the one who insists on staying true to the script! …But now that I mention it…"

"Why _should _we be worried about Saria?" Link pondered.

"Well, we won't find out by sticking around here!" Navi said, "Plus, it'll make Sheik happy if we go to the Forest."

"Okay, fine," Link said.

And thus our heroes left Kakariko Village and headed to Kokiri Village.


	8. Chapter 8: Forest Temple Tennis

**Chapter 8**

* * *

_**What would happen if the last stage of the boss, Phantom Ganon, was a Tennis match?  
**Wonder no more! …Yeah, it pretty much _**_is _**_a tennis match in the game. So, I'm not really changing much in this chapter. Oh, crap, I shouldn't have told you that. Um… You'll see how stuff messes up the plot!_

* * *

Link left Kakariko Village and went to the Kokiri Village.

"Link… Something looks odd about this place… It's different…" Navi told Link.

"Are you _sure, _Navi?" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Link, it's been seven years," Navi said, "Something _has _to have changed. You saw how much Malon changed over the years."

"She changed?" Link blinked.

Navi sighed, "All I'm saying is that the village doesn't feel like the old, happy-go-lucky place that it was seven years prior."

"What makes you say that?" Link asked.

Navi pointed to the Kokiri huts. Several of them boarded their doors and windows, cloaking the insides of the huts in darkness. Some beady little eyes peered out of the shadows.

"Nonsense! Look! They planted a new flower here!" Link exclaimed.

Link pointed in front of them. There was a large, vicious man-eating plant. It was drooling, and it smacked its lips.

"Doesn't it just brighten up the place?" Link smiled.

"Link, I don't think you should get any closer to—" Navi began.

The Plant lunged forward. Fortunately, it missed Link's head, however it took his hat instead.

"Nom!" it let out.

"Oh, you did not just do that," Link snarled.

Link tugged at the hat in the Plant's jaws. The Plant, who had not eaten in a few days, refused to let go because it didn't feel like sharing. Link tugged harder. The Plant tugged back. Link tugged once more, and the Plant followed. Before either of them knew it, they engaged in a game of tug-of-war.

"Give that back!" Link bellowed.

"Never!" came the muffled reply of the Plant.

"Holy Deku Scrub… It's a talking plant," Navi's jaw dropped.

"And it has my hat!" Link yelled.

The Plant snarled menacingly.

"I'd never thought I'd see the day where something flora based would talk back to something," Navi paused.

The Plant spat the hat out upon hearing this statement.

"Deku Scrubs are plants, and you seem to have no quarrel with talking with them!" the Plant retorted.

"You're still a talking plant," Navi said.

"Oh, we're being racist now, are we?" the Plant growled.

"Yay!" Link cheered. "I got my hat back!"

Link held his hat up to the camera**. **DUN UN UN UNN! Link got his Hat back! This green little thing has grown into Link's trademark over the years! It also covers up his bald spot. How does it stay on, anyway?

"That's very nice, Link," Navi sighed.

"Wow, he sounds like an idiot…" the plant muttered.

"Tell me about it," Navi rolled her eyes. "And I've been assigned to be his guardian fairy for the past seven years."

"Ouch…" the plant flinched.

"Hey!" Link spun around. "You were unconscious for seven of those years!"

"So were you," Navi said.

"That doesn't prove anything!" Link huffed.

"Link, stop trying to be smart," Navi said. "You're not good at it."

Link, at a loss for words, turned to the Plant, to see that it was nodding in agreement. Link sighed, rolled his eyes, and put his hat back on. He then headed to his house to see how it had changed over the years. The first thing that struck him was another man-eating plant planted by the base of his ladder.

"Another one?" Navi raised an eyebrow. "Sheesh. The Kokiri must be having the worst weed invasion to date."

Link glared at this new plant, "I wonder if this one has anything to say…"

"Hello! Welcome home, Hero of Time! The same Hero of Time who is destined to wipe out most of my kind, and I generally shouldn't be so cheery about this, but hey, I'm just a man-eating plant, and Ganondorf didn't feel like giving us brains," the plant grinned. "How may I be of service today?"

Link smiled, "I like this one a lot better."

The Plant smiled back.

"Who do you think is responsible for all these weeds?" Navi asked.

"I dunno, but I bet Mido is behind the one planted here," Link said, "He always got a kick out of planting these by my house…"

"Umm… Link? Mido's dead…" Navi told Link.

"_Riiighttt_…" Link scratched his head. "Maybe that's why Maria replaced him as Head Kokiri seven years ago…"

"Well noted, genius," Navi groaned. "So do you really think he would be able to plant a man-eater like this by your house if he was dead?"

Link gasped, "Then Maria did it!"

Navi did a facepalm.

"Why do I even bother?" Navi sighed.

"By the way…" the plant piped up, "Navi… how'd you find out about this Mido's death?"

"First of all, how'd you find out my name?" Navi demanded. "And the fact that I wasn't around to witness his death?"

The Plant blushed in response.

"Is it just me, or is this a weird universe to live in?" Link asked. "It's like everything's totally messed for no reason."

"By the way…" the Plant piped up again, "If you're looking for Maria, she's in the Lost Woods. Well, according to my sponsors."

"But we're not looking for Maria," Link said.

"Saria's in the Lost Woods too," the Plant added.

"We're not looking for Saria either," Link said. "We're here because…um…why are we here again?"

"Because Sheik told us to go here," Navi responded.

"Right," Link nodded. "We're here because some guy we met a few hours ago, told us to."

There was a long pause.

"Idiot!" yelled the previous man-eating plant.

"Shut up!" Link yelled back.

"Hero of Time, could you just go to the Lost Woods?" the nicer plant sighed.

"I suppose," Navi sighed. "But after this trip into the woods, I plan on not listening to that Sheik person until he tells us more about himself."

"Good idea, Navi!" Link exclaimed. "I'll do the same!"

Link headed into the Lost Woods and followed the grown over tire tracks to the Sacred Forest Meadow. Along the way, Link found that a mysterious force kept him from advancing. It blocked Link's path despite the fact that Link, nor Navi, could see it.

"_Turnnnn aroouunnnddd…_" a voice whispered to him. "_Don't come baaaacckkk…_"

"Okay!" Link exclaimed.

Link spun around on the spot, and began to walk. The voice giggled a little bit.

"Hold on a second here!" Navi said.

"_Oh…dang it,_" the voice huffed. "_That usually works._"

Navi grabbed onto Link's tunic. Which promptly halted his movement.

"Who tells us to turn around!?" Navi yelled at the voice.

"_What are you?_" the voice asked.

"I'm a Kokiri…" Link told the voice.

"And I'm a fairy!" Navi huffed. "Who's asking?"

"_HA! Though you wear Kokirish clothing, you can't fool me!_" the voice exclaimed. "_I promised Saria I'd never let anyone through here._"

"Wait… That voice…" Navi gulped, "It…it can't be!"

The ghost of Mido crawled its way out of the ground in front of them.

"Holy Cucco's Eggs!" Link screamed, "It's a ghost!"

Link hid behind Navi.

"No duh," Navi huffed. "What ever gave you that idea? Was it the eerie voice? Or was it the fact that he's see-through right now, and he just crawled out of the ground?"

Link looked repulsed, "I wonder if this is where they buried him."

"_Actually…_" Mido's ghost paused.

"Ewww…" Link made a face, "Well. He's not gonna let us through. Let's go back."

"Link, he's a ghost," Navi said, "Walk through him."

"I don't want to walk through Mido's ghouly guts!" Link squirmed.

Navi turned to the Kokiri ghost, and saw him blow a raspberry.

"Well, maybe we can go around him?" Navi asked.

"_Ha! Fat chance,_" Mido's ghost smiled.

"Or we could just turn around and forget this ever happened," Link suggested.

"No! We are not going to get this far only to have a dead guy stop us!" Navi snapped. "Use the Hookshot if you have to!"

"But it doesn't do anything," Link pointed out. "Here, watch!"

Link pointed the Hookshot at a nearby tree and fired it. The hook recoiled off the tree with a loud 'CLANG', and fell to the ground.

"_Whoa…_" Mido's ghost gaped. "_I always wondered if the trees around here were made of metal._"

"See!" Link said, "Let's head back."

"Wait! I've got an idea!" Navi exclaimed. "Link, give me your Ocarina!"

"Don't you have one? Use that instead," Link said.

"I…um… Mine won't work!" Navi bit her lip, "Just gimme yours!"

Link handed Navi the Ocarina of Time. Navi wiped off the mouthpiece on Link's shirt. Navi, using every limb she could spare to play Saria's song. Navi's body jolted.

"HEY!" Navi let out, "Do you want to talk to Saria?"

"_That melody?! Saria plays that song all the time! You…do you know Saria?_" Mido's ghost asked.

"Well, do you want to talk to me then?" Navi's body pulsed.

"Yeah, I guess so…" Link replied.

"Link, try to keep moving!" Navi's body pulsed.

"No, I was talking to Mido," Link said, "Er… Mido's ghost. Augh, this'll take some time to get used to."

"_That song…Saria taught that song only to her friends,_" Mido's ghost muttered to himself.

Link pondered all the moments when he heard the other Kokiri whistle, play, or hum Saria's Song. No instances came to mind. Wow. Was he Saria's only friend?

"_Okay…I trust you, even though it goes against my better judgment,_" Mido's ghost sighed, "_When I see you…I don't know why, but I remember…him…_"

"The Great Deku Tree?!" Navi and Link said in unison.

"_No,_" Mido's ghost sighed, "_Bah, forget it._"

"Who's him and why him?" Link asked.

"_Never mind!_" Mido yelled.

Mido politely let Navi pass. As soon as Link tried to go through, Mido planted his transparent feet firmly.

"Hey! What's the big deal!?" Link asked Mido.

"_I don't trust you!_" Mido told Link. "_Only she played the song! How do I know that you're not a Stalfos or something?_"

"Um… By just looking at me?" Link asked.

Mido's ghost eyed Link suspiciously.

"But she played the song on my ocarina!" Link protested, "Doesn't that count for anything?"

"_No!_" Mido shook his head.

"Auugghhh…" Link groaned, "This is why I didn't like you."

"Relax, he's with me!" Navi told Mido.

"_Are you sure?_" Mido asked. "_He could have just been any random guy that followed you here…_"

"But she played **my** ocarina—" Link protested.

"Just let him through," Navi sighed. "If he gets feisty, I'll take him down."

"_Fine,_" Mido huffed.

"Wait, what?" Link blinked.

"Come on, let's go!" Navi said.

Mido's ghost hesitantly walked over to the side, and let Link through.

"Well, we must be on our way! Bye Mido!" Link waved.

"_Stop acting like you know me!_" Mido yelled back.

Link continued following the yellow brick road—I mean the tire tracks, and soon arrived at the place where he met (and killed) Afatufivomany.

"Ahhh…" Link sighed wistfully. "This place brings back memories…"

"Yeah," Navi shuddered. "Of the inside of a Wolfos's jaws…"

"Don't badmouth Afatufivomany!" Link snapped, "Besides, he probably has a bigger fandom than you!"

Navi sniffed, "That really hurt, you know."

"Sorry, Navi," Link said.

"Why does everyone hate me, anyway?" Navi sighed. "Sure, we just broke the fourth wall, but I just can't figure it out!"

Link wandered closer to the edge of the maze. Navi's body pulsed. Link stopped in his tracks.

"Uh-oh," he paused.

"From here on, we'll be going through some narrow passages! If you take it slow, maybe you can sneak up on some enemies," Navi twitched, "Use Z-Targeting to always look in the proper direction. Set your view so you can see down the next corridor before you turn a corner. Once your view is set, hold down Z to sidestep around the corner. That way you won't be surprised by an enemy waiting in ambush."

"That another one of those spit-out-obvious-nonsense moments?" Link asked.

Navi sighed, "Yep. Unfortunately."

"I'm really beginning to hate those…" Link sighed.

"Hey, imagine how I feel," Navi huffed.

"And you mentioned something about 'Z-Targeting'. The one Ingo spoke of… What is it?" Link asked.

"I have no clue…" Navi muttered.

"Whatever… We should probably head through the maze…" Link told Navi.

"Why not just take the camper van shaped holes instead?" Navi suggested.

"Wow, I keep forgetting about those."

"Obviously."

"Hey!"

Unfortunately for Link, Life was never that easy. As soon as he took one step into the corridor, he got tackled by a…monster of sorts. It looked like a mutated bulldog gigantic gopher…thing. Seriously, what was Ganondorf thinking while making some of these monsters? Ahem. Anyway, The giant gopher bulldog thing pinned Link against a nearby wall.

Of course Link struggled, "Hey! Ow! What are you doing?! What did I ever do to you?"

It grunted weirdly in response.

"Pardon?" Link asked. "Didn't quite catch that."

"I don't think it speaks English…" Navi told Link. "Or Hylian, or any understandable language if you ask me."

"What's English again?" Link blinked.

As if it was a computer operated NPC, the bulldog gopher thing gazed upon Navi, and pinned her against the wall too. Absentmindedly, it let Link go when it tackled the fairy.

"Well! See ya later!" Link grinned.

Link bolted.

"Link! Get back here!" Navi yelled in her custody.

Link was either out of earshot, or he just didn't care. Navi groaned.

"Augh! That's it!" Navi snarled. "FAIRY SMASH!"

Navi punched the gopher bulldog in the face, and the events that followed were too graphic too describe.

* * *

It didn't take long for Navi to catch up to Link, for she had a suspicion of where he was headed. Navi flew up over the maze, and up the stairs to see Link standing in front of the tree stump. The Forest Meadow. This was the place where Saria plays her ocarina, Navi remembered. Or…_used_ to play her ocarina. The entire Meadow hadn't aged a day. The tree stump…the ledge where the Scrubs band had played…the large tree that had been failed to be mentioned chapters ago, still seemed to have little to any value… Even the campervan was still smashed into the wall. Sure, Navi admitted to herself, it had a bunch of moss dangling from the backdoor, but apart from that, everything still looked the way it did before they had left.

Navi looked over to Link. Who had been taking in his surroundings as well. She paused. This place meant even more to him than it did to her. Sure, she went to High School near here, but those days weren't exactly 'cherished memories'.

Navi flew over cautiously, in order to not to make the atmosphere any worse than it already was.

"Link…I…" Navi bit her lip. "I'm so sorr—"

"You know, something just occurred to me," Link stroked his chin, "Instead of going to Kakariko Villiage, why couldn't I have just _climbed the tree?_"

"Uhh…" Navi blinked.

"I have been living in the forest for my whole life," Link huffed, "You think I would have thought of that."

"Link, let's face it," Navi said, "You were never that smart."

Link's eyes began to tear up, "I _what?_"

Navi bit her lip, "Oops. Way to go, Navi."

Sheik fell from the sky before Link could burst into tears. Sheik began walking towards them.

"The flow of time is always cruel…" Sheik began. "Its speed seems different for each person, but no one can change it…"

"Oh look who's here to _brighten up _our day," Navi glanced at Sheik.

Link blinked, "Wait, where'd you come from?"

Sheik spoke a little louder, "A thing that doesn't change with time is a memory of younger days…"

"On the contrary," Navi said, "When you get older, your recollection of your memories tends to grow foggier. So when you're old and grey, your memory is so completely farfetched from the original, that nobody can tell what the original memory actually was."

"Navi, please don't make my head hurt…" Link held his head.

"Sorry, Link."

"Will you let me finish?" Sheik huffed. "I've worked _weeks_ on this monologue, and you two had better not—"

"And you," Link pointed at Sheik. "How did you find us here?"

"Er…uh… I sent you here, didn't I—" Sheik stuttered.

"That makes sense, I suppose," Navi paused. "But it doesn't explain how you knew where we were at the Temple of Time…"

Sheik's eyes darted all around, "Coincidence?"

Link peered at Sheik, "Wait… Are you stalking us too?"

"Link, stop being so deductively smart!" Navi huffed.

Sheik coughed, "Too? What do you mean by that?"

"Seven years ago, it was a random owl," Navi sighed. "Now we have to listen to you babble on about maps and how to operate our status subscreen or whatever."

"Great!" Link flumped over, "Just after we finally lose the random owl, we get ourselves a new stalker!"

"…In order to come back here again, play the Minuet of the Forest," Sheik said.

"Oooo!" Link smiled. "New song!"

"That's it," Navi said. "I'm going to have to find some way to medicate you."

Sheik bent his torso around, and reached into what either looked like a secret back pocket, or directly from his butt. It reemerged with a large harp in hand. Sheik playing a tune on the harp. Link pulled out his ocarina and played along. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned Minuet of the Forest! Now Link can warp back to this location whenever he wants! Which is pretty impressive for this time period, considering Hyrule's current technology. Sheik put the harp back in his back pocket. But Link didn't seem to notice, since his focus was on his blue ocarina. It sparkled brilliantly.

"_Shiiiiny_…" Link drooled.

"Dang, we've really got to get that glitter off sometime," Navi huffed.

"But it's shiny—" Link whimpered.

Navi glared at Link.

"Oh, _okay_, Navi, if you insist," Link sighed.

"Come to think of it, it's been seven years!" Navi huffed, "You'd _think_ that the glitter would have worn off by now."

Sheik blinked, "Glitter?"

"Yeah, Saria's fairy glued glitter on Link's ocarina—but wait, wasn't that on your old ocarina?" Navi asked.

"Oh yeah…" Link muttered. "Then how did the glitter get on this one?"

Navi shrugged, "Gotta love plot holes."

Another large hole was ripped in the fabric of space of another reality.

"Wait, Navi, I've got an idea!" Link grinned. "Let's make the plot hole even worse by checking to see if there's glitter on the old ocarina too!"

Navi turned a lighter shade of blue.

"Well…um… Okay…" Navi gulped.

Navi pretended to rummage through her pockets.

"Uh-oh… I lost it…?" Navi blushed.

"WHAT?!" Link screamed. "Navi, how could you?! That was Saria's—my bestest of bestest friend—ocarina! And it's been, what? _One chapter_ since I gave it to you?!"

"I'm bad at keeping track of things?" Navi asked.

"GAH!" Link bellowed. "Great! Just great! Now what am I going to do? Go up to her and say 'Hey! Guess what, Saria! I gave your ocarina to my guardian fairy and she lost it!' Oh, yeah. Like _that's _going to go over well!"

"Is this it?" Sheik asked.

Sheik pulled out an old ocarina out of another pocket. It was very worn and battered, and has a couple specks of rust on it.

"Say… It is!" Navi's face lit up. "What would I do without you, stalker!"

"The name's Sheik," Sheik huffed.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Navi said. "Here, quick. Give it to me!"

"Now hold on a minute!" Link huffed. "Sheik, I'd like to know how exactly this ocarina get into your possession."

"I found it in the moat around Hyrule Castle Town," Sheik shrugged. "It was caught in the drains."

"Really, now!" Link huffed. "You don't say! Tell me more!"

"Uhh, Link, I think we'd better get going now," Navi bit her lip.

"No, I wanna hear this," Link said in a threatening tone. "Go on, Sheik."

"Well, uhh, when I found it, I couldn't quite tell what it was," Sheik paused. "But after some time, patience, and obsessive-compulsiveness, I managed to get off the years worth of rust that had built up."

Link clenched his teeth, "Years worth of rust?"

A still silence fell over the three.

"_Weeelllllllll_…" Navi chuckled nervously. "Thank you so much, Sheik, for finally finding my ocarina! My pockets really felt empty without it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'vegottogonow,andyouprobablywon'tbehearingfrommeinawhile! Kay! Thanks! Bye!"

Navi flew away as fast as her little wings could carry her. She flew off into the hole in the wall on the ledge.

"Okay, you know what, Navi? I have had it up to here with you!" Link snapped.

"Err…" Sheik paused.

"I can't hear you!" Navi's voice echoed from above. "Huh! Must be the wind! La la la la la~"

"Whenever I say anything, you almost always have a witty retort about how stupid I am! As a kid, I didn't really notice, but now I've had it!" Link yelled.

"Umm… Hero?" Sheik paused.

"Sure, I may not have a day's worth of solid education in my entire life," Link yelled, "and, sure, I can't read a sign for the life of me, but that doesn't mean that you have to pick on me all the time! I can still count! In fact, I know exactly how many rupees I have on me right now! And another thing—"

"Does anybody want this?" Sheik held up Saria's old ocarina.

Link glared at Sheik, "NO! Whatever it is you're asking me, the answer is NO! And don't interrupt me!"

Sheik stared at the ocarina. He shrugged, then stashed it into his butt.

"I'm sick and tired of putting up with your verbal abuse!" Link rambled on, "I'll admit it—I'm an undereducated moron with a limited vocabulary. But that doesn't mean you have to call me an idiot every five seconds! Isn't accompanying you to the mall good enough for you?!"

"Link…I'll see you again…" Sheik sighed.

"And another thing! Calling me an idiot is one thing, but whenever I want to go somewhere that you don't want to go, you always yell into my ear! Sure, it may be O.N.A., but it's still annoying!" Link yelled.

"Link, I'll see you again," Sheik said a little louder.

"Whatever happened to free will? Isn't this a free country?!" Link yelled. "Sure I'm a bit stupid, but can't I be in charge of my own actions for once!"

"LINK, I'LL SEE YOU AGAIN!" Sheik yelled.

Link turned toward Sheik, "What did I tell you about interrupting—?"

Sheik took a couple of steps back, and hurled a Deku Nut at Link's feet. There was a bright flash of light which effectively blinded Link temporarily. Sheik used this time to disappear.

"I hate it when he does that…" Link muttered bitterly.

Link tripped over Saria's tree stump. He face planted into the dirt. As soon as he could see again, Link directed his attention to find Navi. From what Link knew of Navi, she could have been at the other end of the temple by now. But he got a nagging feeling that Navi wasn't all that far in. That is, unless she was really good at picking locks or something. Link chuckled. No, that couldn't be the case.

* * *

Link entered the Forest Temple by use of the Hookshot. Yes, it was actually useful for once. Over the next hour or two, Link scrambled his way across the dungeon. Eventually he acquired some arrows. He entered a room with three paintings on the walls, and began shooting them to relieve stress.

"Stupid Navi…" Link muttered.

When the arrow hit the canvas, it burst into flame.

"She thinks she's _soooo_ smart, doesn't she?" Link grumbled. "Well, let's see how high and mighty she is when I cut off her wings…"

Link shot another painting. It too erupted into flame.

"She'll probably…" Link grumbled.

Link aimed his bow to the last painting in the room.

"Ahh! Wait! No!" came Navi's voice. "What are you doing?!"

Navi flew around the corner.

"You can't just shoot a piece of artwork like that!" Navi buzzed. "What if its priceless! It could sell for millions!"

"Yes, it's _soo_ priceless that there's three of them that look exactly the same," Link rolled his eyes.

"You're so reckless!" Navi said. "You can't just shoot arrows at paintings!"

"Knowing art nowadays, you could probably sell the paintings with the arrows in them," Link sighed. "Say that you're trying to make a statement or something."

"Link, that would be smart if the paintings didn't burn up whenever you shot them," Navi groaned. "So stop trying to be smart, it's not working out for you—"

"No!" Link raised his voice. "You stop! I'm sick and tired of you calling me an idiot!"

A Poe peeked its head out of the painting.

"I didn't call you an idiot," Navi said. "I said you should stop trying to be smart—"

"Same thing, isn't it?" Link snarled.

"Don't you take that tone with me!" Navi hissed.

The Poe came forth from the painting, carrying a torch. It was red in colour, as was its torchlight. It stared at the two.

"And stop acting like my mother!" Link yelled.

"I only act like your mother since you can't do anything without me!" Navi huffed. "Without my guidance, you would be totally lost! Not to mention that you're not allowed to have parents—"

"Oh, Farore!" Link rolled his eyes. "Why can't I have a nice guardian fairy like Saria's or Maria's fairies? At least _they_ were nice!"

The Poe blinked.

"Ivan's even stupider than you are!" Navi protested. "And Aurora's a goodie two shoes! Trust me, you would not want fairies like them!"

"Well, I certainly don't want a fairy like you!" Link yelled. "At least Saria and Maria managed to befriend their fairies!"

"Maybe you would befriend your fairy too if you actually shut up and listened to her for a change," Navi crossed her arms.

"Most of your advice is crap anyway!" Link retorted. "Come on, _how_ many Obvious Nonsense Attacks have you had so far?!"

"Well, I'm sorry for being—" Navi yelled.

"Excuse me," the Red Poe spoke up. "Some of us around here are trying to get some sleep—"

"YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!" Navi snarled.

Navi whizzed over to Link's shoulder, and unsheathed the Master Sword. She swung it at the Poe. The Poe died instantly. The torch it held went out, and a lantern turned on nearby.

"You could have _asked_ before using that," Link glared at Navi.

"Again! I just saved your butt!" Navi said. "That shouldn't be happening! You're the main character, right?"

"Hey—"

"Shut up, and let me think," Navi paused. "Now where was I? Ah, yes…I—"

Another Poe peeked out of the wall. This one was primarily green, and carried a flame by the same colour.

"Hey! That was completely unnecessary!" the Poe yelled. "Why'd you have to kill Joelle like that?"

"What did I say about interrupting?!" Navi snarled.

Navi flung the Master Sword at the wall the Green Poe peaked out of. It landed dead center, and even stuck out of the wall for a while. Needless to say, the Green Poe died.

"Now, back to you, Link," Navi huffed.

"Amy!" the Blue Poe sniffled.

Navi flew over the sword, yanked it out, spun around, and took out the Blue Poe coming down the stairs.

"Is there anyone else?" Navi yelled. "Or can I finally chew this guy's ear off in peace?"

"Actually, I'm still here…" the Purple Poe flew through the door.

Navi tackled the Purple Poe and ran it through. As to be expected of a ghost. However, like the others, this sword somehow managed to kill the Purple Poe. The purple flame from the torch it held vanished.

"Anybody else?" Navi's eyes darted around. "Anybody? Anybody?"

Silence greeted her.

"Okay, good!" Navi huffed. "Now what was I saying?"

"Dunno," Link shrugged. "You were going to nag me about something, but you didn't really finish your sentence."

"Oh," Navi paused. "Dang it. I forgot too."

"So… Navi…" Link paused.

"What now?" Navi sighed. "What _else_ about me annoys you?"

"No, no, I'm just want to ask you something," Link paused.

"Uh-huh. _Sure_ you do."

"No, I…" Link groaned. "Look, Navi, I'm sorry. I said some things I shouldn't have, and I was just a little upset with you about how Saria's Ocarina—"

"Yeah, yeah, I get it," Navi sighed. "You were just being completely honest with me. And the truth is, you don't have the highest opinion of me, right?"

"I never said that," Link said.

"Well, to be honest, you wouldn't be the first," Navi said. "But, whatever. Let's just get this dungeon over with—"

"Navi, can I ask you a question?" Link asked.

"Sure, go ahead," Navi sighed. "Can't hurt, right?"

"Why do you follow me?" Link asked.

Navi held her breath.

"That's a long story," Navi sighed. "You sure you want to listen to me ramble?"

"I'm all ears," Link smiled.

"Ahhh, where to begin," Navi paused. "Well, I come from a long line of Guardian Fairies… You know, it's a common occupation among the forest fairies, right?"

Link blinked, "What's an 'occupation'?"

Navi rolled her eyes, "Whatever, it's not important. Bah, let's just keep going—"

"Oh come on, Navi!" Link said. "You know everything there is to know about me! Be fair and spill the beans."

Navi sighed, "Alright, alright, already. So, anyways, my grandparents were Guardian Fairies, my parents were Guardian Fairies, so growing up, everybody expected me to become a Guardian Fairy too."

"Why?" Link asked.

"Because my parents were, idiot!" Navi buzzed.

"Huh," Link paused. "I guess that's one of the disadvantages of having parents, then."

"Are you going to let me talk about myself or are we going to finish this dungeon?!" Navi huffed.

"Sorry."

"Okay, so," Navi paused. "Where was I? Right. Well, when I got older, I thought 'I don't want to be a Guardian Fairy', and I tried out a whole bunch of other jobs I could get. I took cooking for a while until Ivan burned the school down, and my marks were really low in that class. Though, I was killer in Botany. But you can't really make a living off of that class."

"Marks? Class?" Link asked. "So, what are thos—"

"Anyway, I ended up taking a bit of Guardian Fairyship, and turns out, I suck at it, too," Navi shrugged. "Even Ivan got higher marks in that class than I did because he got points for 'niceness' or whatever."

"You get points for being nice?" Link asked.

"I didn't," Navi laughed. "Frankly, all the teachers wanted to get rid of me. And, heck, I was glad to leave. Anyways, in one of our cooking classes, Ivan burned the school down, and I haven't been able to get a job doing anything else than Guardian Fairyship. So, the Great Deku Tree took pity on me, I guess, and let me hang around…and…yeah… That's about it."

"So, that means…" Link paused.

"Yup," Navi smiled. "You probably would have been better off without a fairy than with me…"

"Great," Link said. "I've got the worst Guardian Fairy there is."

"And I got the worst Kokiri there is," Navi chuckled. "Fair, isn't it?"

"Nope," Link smiled.

"Totally," Navi grinned. "Not to mention that I've got the obvious nonsense moments on top of it all…"

"Oh yeah!" Link chuckled. "There's that too!"

"Man, Link!" Navi laughed. "You've got it bad!"

"Not to mention that Rauru expects me to save the world," Link grinned. "Sheesh! The world is a bloody wreck!"

"Speaking of saving the world," Navi said. "Shouldn't you get back to that?"

"Eh heh heh," Link chuckled nervously. "Yeah, I guess so…"

"Well, thanks for putting up with me," Navi said. "I know it's not easy, and not many people can. But…"

"And thanks for sticking up for me," Link smiled.

Link and Navi walked into the next room.

* * *

When Link entered the main room, all four torches were lit, and a strange booth of sorts was sticking out of the floor.

"Hmm…" Link paused. "I don't quite remember the room quite like this…"

"Oh right," Navi paused. "I guess the lights were already out when you arrived."

"Pardon?" Link asked.

"Basically, those Poes I took out had stolen the torchlight," Navi explained, "so when I took them out, this booth thing showed up."

"Oh," Link said. "That's convenient."

Link entered the booth, which turned out to be an elevator to the bottom floor.

* * *

With a convenient time skip, Link soon found himself in the boss's room.

"Wow, the writer's being lazy," Link said.

Navi looked around, "Well, this dungeon seems to like paintings, since there were paintings in some other rooms, and—oh no."

"'Oh no' what?" Link asked.

"Link, tell me that's not who I think it is…" Navi paled.

Link looked around, "Who are you talking about?"

"Navi!" came a voice.

Ivan tackled Navi, and gave her a great big hug. Navi struggled to get free.

"G-Get off of me!" Navi turned a light pink.

"Ivan, what are you even doing here?" Link asked.

"Saria got eaten by tennis horsies," Ivan explained.

"Um, what?" Link blinked.

"Link, it's Ivan," Navi rolled her eyes. "Do you _expect _him to make sense?"

"Touché," Link said.

Link walking into the center of the octagonal room. On each wall there was a large painting, and all of them were identical. A dark, creepy forest with a dirt path running down the center.

"Pssh," Link smirked. "I could do better than that."

"Wooowwww…" Ivan gasped in awe.

Navi slapped her forehead.

"Well, there's obviously nothing here," Navi sighed. "So we'll just have to try out another room."

"But this is the boss's roo—" Link began.

"And it's obviously empty, so let's go," Navi said.

"Okay," Ivan smiled.

Link shrugged, and began to leave the way he came, when spikes shot up in front of the only visible exit.

"It's the Art Gallery from Din's Lair!" Link yelled.

"Well, that failed," Navi paused. "Link, have you ever considering _jumping_ over things for once in your life?"

"Okay, it's not that bad," Link said.

Link's ear twitched. He heard the sound of footsteps. No…a horse…a horse trotting… Link looked around. All he could see was the paintings. Link looked around some more. Wait. He saw something move. Link squinted. Coming down one of the dirt paths in the paintings, was a figure of a man on horseback. Wait, Link paused, was it getting…bigger? Before Link knew it, the man on horseback leapt forth from the painting, and flew through the air. It threw a tennis ball at him. The tennis ball nailed Link in the face. The horse and horseman landed in the painting at the other end of the room.

"Oww…" Link rubbed his nose. "My face…"

"D-Did I just see who I thought I saw?!" Navi's jaw hung open.

"Who?" Link asked.

"Tennis horsies that ate Saria?" Ivan asked.

The galloping footsteps seemed to get louder all too soon, and the horseman leapt forth from the painting. Link looked upon the face of what seemed to be none other than the balding monkey himself…Ganondorf.

"Ganondorf?!" Link took a step back.

"Link, the narrator just said that," Navi hissed.

"But what is he doing here?" Link asked. "Zelda's jewelry is _nowhere_ in sight!"

Link looked back just in time to see Ganondorf rip off his face, revealing a decorative skull. The horseman leapt back in the painting.

"Well…" Navi paused. "We know who's been decorating his skeleton in his spare time."

"No, I just can believe that is actually Ganondorf…" Link paused. "It's like a shadow of Ganondorf…no, a puppet of him…or a tool…or a toy, even…"

The horseman popped his head out of a painting, "Phantom Ganon!"

"Or a Phantom!" Link exclaimed. "Here, to make things easier, lets call him Phantom Ganon."

Navi groaned, "What, are you going to give names to all the woodland creatures now too? How about his horse? You gonna name that horse of his too?"

"What a great idea!" Link exclaimed. "Ivan, how do you like Poweropet Jr.?"

"It's toottendous!" Ivan exclaimed.

Sounds of horse disapproval noises echoed from a painting.

"Link! No!" Navi snarled. "We don't have time for this! Just call it Phantom Ganon's Horse and be done with it!"

"But that's no fun," Link frowned.

Phantom Ganon leapt forth from the painting and threw another tennis ball at Link. Link keeled over.

"Oh!" Link let out. "Right in the Deku Nuts…"

"You have Dekus down there?" Ivan cocked his head.

"Um…" Link bit his lip.

"No time to chat!" Navi yelled. "Link, for Farore's sake, do something!"

Phantom Ganon rode out of the painting, and soared through the air, throwing another tennis ball in his wake. Before the ball had the chance to take out Link's eye, Navi grabbed the ball, and hurtled it at the phantom. It missed, however, and hit his horse. The horse hit the ground, screeched to a halt, and sat down. Phantom Ganon hopped off.

"Oh come on…" Phantom Ganon muttered. "Not _now._"

The horse shook its head. Phantom Ganon tugged on the reins. Nothing happened. He tried kicking at the sides. Still nothing.

"You stupid oaf," Phantom Ganon grumbled.

Phantom Ganon kicked the horse. The horse kicked him back, and sent him flying. He hit a painting, and landed on the dirt trail behind.

"Yay!" Ivan exclaimed. "Go horsey!"

The horse straightened itself up and whinnied proudly.

"Hmph! Fine," Phantom Ganon crossed his arms. "If you aren't going to help me, then I'm going to have a tennis match myself."

"Wait, tennis?" Link raised an eyebrow.

Another tennis ball nailed Link in the face.

Phantom Ganon chuckled, "Think fast, pathetic mortal!"

"Great, now you're going to have to play tennis with a copy of the biggest jewelry thief in all of Hyrule," Navi sighed. "What will they come up with next?"

"This!"

Ivan threw two tennis racquets at Link and Phantom Ganon respectively. They both reflexively caught the racquets, though Link's hand missed, and his racquet fell to the ground.

Navi stared at Ivan, "Ivan, where the_ Din's Lair_ did you get those?!"

"I gave them to me," Ivan grinned.

"Right," Navi paused. "Why was I expecting a logical answer from you?"

"Heh heh heh…" the Phantom cackled from above. "Time for you to meet your doom!"

The Phantom took out another one of his tennis balls and hit the ball down at Link. Link managed to hit it back, but the ball bounced off an opposing wall, and ricocheted back into Link's face.

"And you!" Navi yelled. "Get on the ground and make this fair!"

Navi plucked the tennis ball from Link's face and nailed the Phantom in the stomach. He fell to the ground. His horse whinnied with delight.

"I think your horse is laughing at you," Link paused.

"Shut up, do you think I don't see that?" the Phantom growled.

Phantom Ganon pulled out another tennis ball, and threw it at Link. Link hit it back at the phantom. Phantom Ganon hit it back to Link. This continued for quite the while.

"Link, hurry up and win this match!" Navi yelled.

"Well, what do you suggest I do?" Link yelled hastily.

"I dunno! You're the hero! Just think of something!" Navi snapped.

Link paused for a moment to think, and barely missed getting hit by another tennis ball.

"Umm…" Link paused. "I got nothing."

"Oh, come on!" Navi huffed. "Think harder! Seriously, what about your arrows? Your bombs? The sour milk? Think of something—"

"Hey, what about that sour milk?" Link asked.

Navi raised an eyebrow, "What about it?"

"I could use it to defeat Phantom Ganon!" Link grinned. "Here, just watch!"

Navi groaned, "Link, that is the stupidest thing I've ever—"

Link pulled out the bottle of sour milk, and hit it with his racket. The bottle hurtled through the air, and hit the unsuspecting Phantom right in the head.

He died anticlimactically.

"It's so evil that it died from looking at it!" Ivan gasped. "It's a miracle! …Or is it a microwave?"

Navi floated in awe, "Okay. Seriously. What am I doing in this fanfic?"

"… How evil is that milk?" Link looked at the bottle hesitantly.

Link walked over to the milk bottle on the ground.

"Link, what are you doing now?" Navi sighed.

Link struck an idiotic pose, "Woot! The power of Evil Sour Milk never loses!"

Link did a little dance.

"I know impaling myself generally isn't a good idea…" Navi paused, "…but I'm seriously considering this option…"

"That's okay, Navi," Ivan smiled. "I like you as a pin cushion."

"Uhhh…" Navi paused.

The ceiling began to laugh.

A voice came from the ceiling, _'Well, boy, you did quite well…'_

"What the—?" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Ganondorf?" Navi blinked.

'_But you have defeated only my phantom…when you fight the real me, it won't be so easy!__'_ the voice of Ganondorf taunted.

"I look forward to the challenge!" Link exclaimed.

Silence responded.

"I think its safe to assume that he's gone now," Navi said.

"I dunno…" Link pondered. "I still feel like we're being watched…"

The ceiling sneezed.

"But, sheesh! That startled me," Navi huffed.

"Yeah, I hope voices don't come from the ceiling in the future," Link said.

Phantom Ganon's Horse whinnied in agreement.

"Oh, wow," Link paused. "His horse is still here?"

"I guess it wasn't affected somehow," Navi said.

The horse nodded.

"Oh Poweropet Jr.!" Ivan hugged the stallion. "Let us be best friends forever!"

The horse grunted with displeasure.

"Speaking of best friends, pumpkins and toasters…" Ivan muttered.

"Yes?" Link asked. "I think you're referring to us?"

Ivan cleared his throat, "Saria wanted to see you…Link… She built this golf cart to transport you to her."

Ivan pointed to a teleportation device on the floor in the corner.

"When did that get there?" Link asked.

"She said some annoying Rauru-man-beast gave it to her." Ivan explained.

"I thought you just said she built it," Navi pointed out.

"I know; she did! With the help of the Wicked Witch of the West!" Ivan grinned.

"Then how could Rauru give it to her?" Link asked.

"He gave it to her for Christmas!" Ivan nodded.

"_Riiiighhhttt_…" Link paused.

"Just take advantage of the fact that there's a convenient portal on the floor," Navi sighed.

"Okie dokie."

Link walked into the portal. Navi began to fly after him, when Ivan stopped her.

"Navi?" Ivan grabbed her arm.

"Yes?" Navi glanced over at him.

"I've always thought…that… you were the most priest like fairy I've ever met!"

"Please don't make this fanfic any more clichéd than it already is," Navi sighed. "And I think you mean 'pretty' as opposed to 'priest like'. And 'the most pretty' is not grammatically correct."

"So… I was wondering…" Ivan started.

"Yes?" Navi asked.

"Could I join you and the cucumber on your adventures?" Ivan pleaded.

"Cucumber?" Navi raised an eyebrow. "Oh wait. You mean Link, don't you?"

"Saria twitched me so…well…you know," Ivan paused. " I have no one to talk…"

"You mean 'ditched', and 'stalk', not 'twitched' and 'talk'," Navi shook her head.

Ivan looked at Navi with watering eyes.

"And I guess someone has to make sure you don't be _too_ idiotic."

Ivan's face lit up, "Thank you, Navi!"

Before Navi could protest otherwise, Ivan flew up to her and hugged her around the middle. Navi turned a hot pink.

"I-I-Ivan!" Navi stuttered.

Navi looked down. Ivan seemed too engrossed in the moment to even hear Navi. Navi sighed, and smiled.

"Thank Nayru that nobody is watching this…" Navi muttered.

Phantom Ganon's horse whinnied. Navi froze and turned an even deeper shade of pink.

"Portal?" Navi asked.

"What mortal?" Ivan blinked.

Navi sighed, "Portal."

Navi flew into the portal with Ivan still clinging to her stomach.

* * *

Navi and Ivan teleported to the Chamber of Sages.

"What are you two doing?" came a voice.

Navi turned around to see Link watching the two fairies. Link wore a puzzled expression on his face. It was then Navi realized that from Link's point of view, Navi and Ivan looked like two blobs of glowing light that were awkwardly smooshed together.

"Oh! Oh! Crap! Uh! Er! Um!" Navi became even more flustered. "T-This isn't what it looks like! He's only hugging me! Nothing more!"

"Oh, okay," Link shrugged.

There was a pause.

"Right," Navi sighed. "I forgot. You never learned about the birds and the bees."

"I know about birds and bees!" Link protested. "While birds have feathers, and bees don't, they both have wings. Just like you two."

"Case in point," Navi said. "And Ivan, get off me."

"Aw, okay," Ivan frowned.

As Ivan let go of Navi, Saria rose up from the raised green platform on the floor.

"Hi!" Saria waved. "Sorry about the delay! I had to finish up a phone call with Maria. I blame the delayed reception on the tree rot."

"Saria!" Link exclaimed. "It's so great to see you! What are you doing here?"

"Link, you dummy, she's the Sage of the Forest Temple!" Navi said.

"_Ohhhhhh_…" Link nodded slowly. "That would explain why Ivan was in the Art Gallery from Din's Lair."

"What?" Saria paused.

"Saria, do you need hearing aids?" Link asked.

"Not…that I…was…aware of…" Saria twitched.

"Then Sheik LIED TO US!" Link yelled. "That back stabbing jerk!"

There was a pause.

"Anyways, I just wanted to thank you…" Saria smiled.

"For what?" Link asked.

"First of all, for befriending Ivan since I can't anymore," Saria started. "Sagely duties are so demanding, what with Ganondorf having taken over the world and all…"

Link spun around, "Wait, we befriended him?"

"Weeeee! Hi, cucumber!" Ivan exclaimed.

"Eh heh heh…" Navi bit her lip. "About that…"

"Second of all, because of you, I could awaken as a Sage…" Saria grinned. "Which is kinda important right now since the world is in shambles."

"Oh, wow," Link said. "Cool."

"See? I've even got a nametag!" Saria pointed to her nametag. "Here. It says: 'Hi, my name is Saria. The Sage of the Forest Temple'…"

"Wow!" Ivan exclaimed. "That super duper, Saria!"

"Who is that nametag for anyway?" Navi asked. "Are you expecting the other Sages to forget your name or something?"

Saria sighed, "It's required. Rauru is bad with names."

"Oh."

"Anyways," Saria turned to Link, "I always believed that you would come."

"Awww… Thanks…" Link grinned sheepishly.

"Because I know you…" Saria told Link.

"Wait, what are we talking about again?" Link asked.

"No…" Saria held up a hand. "You don't have to explain it to me…because it is destiny that you and I can't live in the same world. I will stay here as the Forest Sage and help you…"

"But…wait, what—" Link started.

"Just take the Medallion already…" Saria huffed.

Saria lifted her arms above her head, and a green disc descended into Link's hands. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUUHHH! Link got the Forest Medallion! Sniff…sniff… Ahh… It has the faint smell of evergreen forest.

"Air refreshers!" Ivan exclaimed.

"Uh, thanks, Saria?" Link blinked.

"By the way… Link…" Saria paused.

"Yes?" Link asked.

"Could you do me a favor?" Saria asked. "For old times sake?"

"Link, I don't like where this is going—"

"Sure!" Link exclaimed.

"Could you pay off my fine?" Saria asked.

"What?" Link asked. "Your fine?"

"I parked my Camper Van in a 'No Parking Zone'. It's been there for seven years… The fine per day was 90 rupees," Saria chuckled nervously. "Didn't you see the sign in front of it?"

"Well, yeah," Link scratched his head. "I vaguely remember something like that… But the sign was so bent out of shape that I couldn't read the front of it!"

"Let me do the math for how much that would be… 90 x 365…" Navi muttered to herself.

"Whatever. Ifyouwouldjustpayitforme,thatwouldbegreat,thanks! BYE!" Saria said quickly.

Against his will, Link was warped out of the Chamber of the Sages.

"_Saria will always be…your friend…" said the voice on the wind._

"_LIAR!" Link retorted._

* * *

With that, Link was transported right in front of the Great Deku Tree's dead corpse. It must have been something about hanging around the dead tree that made Link strangely emotional. Either that or teenage hormones. Nobody could really tell.

"So, if we pretend that the ninety is like a ten," Navi pondered, "and then multiply that answer…"

"To think," Link sniffled. "I considered Saria to be my friend!"

"So, the five and…" Navi paused. "Oh, bah. Screw it. You're the Math Whiz, Link. Not me. You figure it out."

Link buried his face in his hands, "First you're not my friend…now Saria's not my friend…"

"Wait, what?" Navi blinked. "Since when?"

"Since when what?" Link asked.

"Since when have we not been friends?" Navi asked.

"Since forever."

"Oh come on, Link!" Navi huffed. "I've known you for seven years! How can we not be friends?"

"For the last time, Navi!" Link snarled. "We have not known each other for seven years! A month or so, at most, but you can't say seven full years!"

Navi raised an eyebrow, "Your boot size begs to differ."

"Gah! You're impossible!" Link groaned.

"You're one to talk!" Navi huffed.

"Boots?" Ivan blinked. "Are we going shoe shopping?"

"And you! Ivan!" Navi pointed at her fairy friend. "You stay out of this!"

"Okay," Ivan smiled. "I like the shoes I have right now, anyway."

"Hey, what's this?" Link asked.

Navi turned to see Link gazing upon a little sprout in the ground. Dramatic lighting was shining on it, so Navi determined that it had to be important somehow. Link bent down to better examine the sprout, when it exploded in his face.

"AHH!" Link fell over backwards.

"Hi there! I'm the Deku Tree Sprout!" the sapling exclaimed. "Because you and Saria broke the curse on the Forest Temple, I can grow and flourish! Thanks a lot!"

"Well, um," Navi paused. "You're welcome?"

Ivan was ecstatic, "Don't mention it! I've always wanted a porcupine!"

"Navi, I think my nose is broken…" Link whimpered.

"Walk it off, you wuss," Navi said.

"Hey, have you seen your old friends?" the Deku Tree Sprout asked.

"No…" Link raised an eyebrow. "Not really… Wait, what happened to them? Did Ganondorf get them too? Were they hiding jewelry from the government!?"

"None of the recognized you with your grown-up body, did they?" the Great Deku Sprout asked.

"He just said he didn't see any of them—" Navi said.

"That's because the Kokiri never grow up! Even after seven years, they're still kids!" the Deku Sprout grinned.

"I knew that," Navi huffed. "The Kokiri never age. What's so special about that—"

"Whoa!" Link gasped. "So that's why they were so much taller than me when I was a toddler!"

"Because they were on stilts?" Ivan asked.

Navi face-palmed.

"You must be wondering why only you have grown up!" the Deku Tree Sprout said.

"Yes!" Link exclaimed. "Tell me all your infinite wisdom, oh newborn tree sprout!"

"Well, as you might have already guessed, you are not a Kokiri!" the Tree Sprout grinned.

Link slapped his cheeks. His mouth hung open.

"I'm _not?!_" Link gasped.

"He's not?" Navi raised an eyebrow.

"He's not a tree stump?" Ivan asked.

"You're actually a Hylian!" the Great Deku Tree Sprout grinned. "I am happy to finally reveal this secret to you!"

"MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE!" Link's scream echoed through the woods.

* * *

**Flashback**

"Sometime ago, before the King of Hyrule unified this country, there was a fierce war in our world. One day, to escape the fires of the war, a Hylian mother and her baby boy entered this forbidden forest. The mother was gravely injured…her only choice was to entrust the child to the Deku Tree, the Guardian Spirit of the Forest. The Deku Tree could sense that this was the child of Destiny, whose fate would affect the entire world, so he took him into the forest. After the mother passed away, the baby was raised as a Kokiri."

**End of Flashback**

* * *

The Deku Sprout grinned, "And now, finally, the day of Destiny has come! You are a Hylian, and were always bound to leave this forest."

"A LIE, I TELL YOU! A LIE!" Link screamed.

"Link, shut up already," Navi huffed. "You're hurting my ears."

"And now…you have learned your own destiny…so you know what you must do… That's right…you must save the Land of Hyrule!" the Great Deku Sprout exclaimed.

"AAHHH!" Link screamed.

"WILL YOU BE QUIET!?" Navi yelled.

"Now, Link, break the curses on all the Temples, and return peace to Hyrule!" the Great Deku Sprout told Link.

Navi's body began to twitch.

"It's a Tickle Me Navi!" Ivan gasped.

"That cloud over Death Mountain…there is something strange about it," Navi gargled.

"Uhhh… Good for the Mountain?" Link asked.

Navi glared at Link.

"Oh right. O.N.A." Link sighed.

* * *

"So, um, what?" Navi blinked. "What are we doing in the Lost Woods?"

Navi was right, for Link was running through the Lost Woods. He stopped.

"Navi, listening to your O.N.A. always advances the plot," Link said. "And I don't feel like doing that right now. Anyway, Ivan! What's taking so long?"

Ivan came huffing and puffing into the area.

"I-I'm…huff…sorry…puff…" Ivan wheezed.

"Link, Ivan had to be Guardian Fairy for a Kokiri who just sat on a tree stump all day for who knows how many years," Navi explained. "I very much doubt Ivan has kept in shape."

"Shape?" Ivan puffed. "Of course I'm in shape. I'm a circle, aren't I?"

"Technically a sphere," Link pointed out.

Link ran into the part of the forest where Mido stood guard. Navi flew in shortly after him, however Ivan was still left in the dust.

"And what are we doing _here?_" Navi crossed her arms.

"Come now, Navi!" Link smirked. "I just saved Saria's butt. I think I am entitled to some bragging rights."

"You're going to brag about yourself to a guy who not only does not recognize you, but is also dead?" Navi raised an eyebrow.

"Yup!" Link grinned.

"I fail to see the benefits—" Navi groaned.

"Hey, Mido," Link sneered. "Guess what _I_ did today!"

"_You again!?_" Mido's ghost huffed. "_Can't you let me rest in peace?!_"

"Ha ha ha," Link chuckled. "Nice try. But after all that crap you put me through back then, I don't think so."

"_Back when?_" Mido's ghost blinked.

"Give the dead a break, Link!" Navi hissed. "Look, Mido, what we've come here to tell you is that Saria is off doing important stuff, and she doesn't need you to guard this place anymore."

"Spoil sport," Link mumbled.

"_Oh…I see…_" Mido's ghost muttered. "_Saria won't ever come back…but…I…I made a promise to Saria…_"

"That jerk!" Navi huffed. "Exploiting the dead like that! Really!"

"Wait, what promise?" Link asked.

"_If Link came back, I would be sure to tell him that Saria had been waiting for him…because Saria…really…liked…_" the ghost began.

"Oh, yeah, Saria had a huge crush on me. I know that already," Link smirked.

"_You? But she's never met anyone from outside the forest,_" Mido's ghost pondered.

"…You're so dense sometimes," Link paused, "it's a wonder how you became leader of the Kokiri in the first place…"

"_Hey, you,_" Mido's ghost turned at Navi. "_If you see him somewhere, please let him know._"

"Will do," Navi said. "If I ever see a Kokiri boy garbed in green and exploring Hyrule Field, running around in circles, being chased by Stalchildren then I'll let him know that his best friend had a crush on him. Easy as pie. That is, if the Stalchildren don't eat him first."

"Uhhh… What?" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Quiet, Link," Navi whispered.

"_And also…_" the ghost muttered. "_I'm sorry about being mean to him. Tell him that, too._"

"Sure thing," Navi said. "Those Stalchildren don't stand a chance."

"Huh?" Link paused.

Ivan came flying in.

"Y…you guys…!" Ivan wheezed. "Stop…g-going…huff…so fast…!"

An idea struck Link so hard that he could have fallen over. He cupped his hands around the little fairy and held him out to the dead Kokiri.

"Here! Take Saria's fairy!" Link grinned. "She ditched him, so…think of it as a housewarming present!"

"_But I'm dead. I can't get housewarming—_"

"Shut up and take him," Link said.

"Whoa! It's dark in here!" came Ivan's muffled response.

"Hey! What are you doing?" Navi yelled at Link. "Have you gone insane?!"

"Just trust me," Link whispered.

Link handed Ivan to Mido, who somehow held the struggling fairy.

"_So, wait, um, what?_" Mido's ghost blinked.

"IhavetogoandsaveHyrulenow,sodon'tevenbotherfollowingme! BYE!" Link grinned.

With that, Link shoved Navi into his hat, and sped off. A confused ghost of Mido was left in Link's dust.

"_Thanks…?_" Mido raised an eyebrow.

"Weeeee! Why am I being kidnapped by a bulldozer?" Ivan smiled at Mido.

Dead silence. Mido stared at Ivan. This was going to be a _LOOONNG_ afterlife…

* * *

Link trotted merrily through the forest. Navi flew up behind him.

"W-What was that?!" Navi was aghast.

"I just got rid of Ivan," Link grinned. "Now he won't be an annoying third wheel in our adventures!"

"Hold on now," Navi said, "don't be so certain. We still have at least four more fanfics to go."

Before they knew it, Link had wandered into a part of the forest where a Kokiri girl stood. Link smiled at this friendly face—it was Maria! Link walked over to the young Kokiri girl.

"Hey, Maria! It's been a while," Link waved. "What's up?"

"That guy isn't here anymore," Maria said.

Link blinked, "Uh, what guy?"

"Shush!" Maria's fairy snapped at Link.

"Nice to see you too, Aurora," Navi sighed.

"Anybody who comes into the forest will be lost. Everyone will become a Stalfos, everybody. Stalfos. So, he's not here anymore," Maria hummed.

"He who?" Link asked.

"What makes you think I know?" Navi muttered.

"Only his saw left. Hee hee," Maria giggled.

"He had a saw?" Link asked.

"That medicine is made of forest mushrooms. Give it back!" Maria huffed.

"What medicine?" Link asked.

Link spun around to see a random skull kid who was making medicine.

"Okay, okay…" the Skull kid sighed.

The Skull kid then waddled over to Maria and gave her the medicine he was making. DUN UN UN UNN! Maria gave the Skull kid the Guy's Saw! Umm… Good for him?

"Heheheh? Are you going to be…too? Heheh!" Maria asked Link.

"Maria…" Link paused.

"This is what's become of the Last Kokiri's Leader? Sheesh. No wonder the village is in shambles," Navi huffed.

"Shush, Navi," Link said. "Let's see if she's run out of dialogue."

"Look, I'm sorry about the way she's acting…" Maria's fairy cut in. "She's just been acting oddly ever since Link left the forest, seven years ago… She liked him… And…"

"Oh come on, first Saria, now Maria? Who's next, the Random Owl?" Navi asked.

"Sweet! I'm Mr. Popular!" Link did a little dance.

"Hey! I'm trying to give my crazy Kokiri a sad backstory!" Aurora huffed. "Will you stop interrupting me?!"

Link grinned, "No."

There was a pause.

"You two are strange…" Aurora sighed.

"That's because they'll become Stalfos!" Maria exclaimed.

"Like me!" the Skull kid exclaimed.

"But you're not a Stalfos!" Maria pointed out.

"But this is what happens to little kids who enter the forest! They become Skull kids!" Skull kid explained. "Haven't you ever read my description with your Up Button Command?"

"No! And I don't need to," Maria huffed. "That's because they become Stalchildren! Not Skull kids!"

"No way!" Skull kid protested. "Skull kids!"

"Stalchildren!"

"Skull kids!"

"Stalchildren!"

"Skull kids!"

"…Let's get out of here…" Link said with widened eyes.

"Stalchildren!"

"Agreed," Navi nodded.

Navi and Link fled the Lost Woods for their lives.

"Skull kids!"

"Guys! Guys! Guys!" Aurora cut in. "Maybe you're _both_ right! Maybe they become Stalchildren if they leave the forest, and Skull kids if they enter the forest without a fairy!"

There was a pause.

"No way! Stalchildren!"

* * *

Link decided that the outside was more than enough for him, so he went to the Temple of Time in hopes that maybe Sheik would shut him in again. Sheik stood by the pedestal in which the Master Sword came out of.

"You destroyed the wicked creatures that haunt the temple and awakened the Sage…" Sheik paused.

"Hey! Sheik! I was wondering if you could do me a favour," Link grinned. "Kay, so, I'm in this room, and I was wondering if you could sneak back along the ceiling and steal the Spiritual Stones again."

There was a pause. Link took advantage of this time to grin as widely as he could.

"…But there are still other sages that need your help," Sheik protested.

"Oh, come on," Link huffed. "Please? Pretty please? For old times sake?"

"You'll even get to sell the stones on the Black Market!" Navi added.

"Navi, I thought we were never speaking of that again," Link said.

"As tempting as that offer is, no," Sheik huffed. "In order to awaken all the other sages, you must become even more powerful, and you can't do that from within this room."

"Oh come on!" Link flopped over.

"You must travel over mountains… Under water… And even through time…" Sheik told Link. "Doesn't that sound more fun than being cooped up in this room all day?"

"No," Link said. "Sounds more like a pain to me."

"Travel through time?" Navi gasped. "Sweet! Now I get to see what you look like seven more years in the future! Boo yah!"

"Ew…" Link paused. "I'd have wrinkles…"

"And it doesn't quite work that way…" Sheik spoke up. "You see; if you want to return to your original time, return the Master Sword to the Pedestal of Time."

"Back seven years? How could that be possible?" Navi raised an eyebrow.

"Shut up and stop questioning the logic of this game," Sheik huffed. "Now, before you go, the time will come when you have to return here quickly…"

"And? So?" Link asked.

"I will teach this to you for when that time comes… The song to return you to the Temple of Time… The Prelude of Light…" Sheik explained.

Sheik took his harp out of that mysterious back pocket again. He played a song, and Link repeated. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned Prelude of Light! His first warping song! Sweet!

"As long as you hold the Ocarina of Time and the Master Sword, you hold time itself in your hands…" Sheik explained.

Link took a moment to take this in, "_Duuuuuuuude!_"

"Link, will shall meet again!" Sheik yelled.

Sheik threw a Deku nut at Link's feet, and caused him temporary blindness once more.

"I hate it when he does that…" Link wobbled around blindly.

Link tripped over the Pedestal of Time.

"And what about the glitter glue?" Navi asked. "Wouldn't Ivan's nonsensical logic of putting a sticky and glittery substance on the ocarina have catastrophic time altering events?"

"I dunno..." Link shrugged.

"Wait! Maybe it was Sheik that glued the glitter on the Ocarina of Time!" Navi gasped.

"How?" Link asked.

"I'm not sure..." Navi muttered. "Just spitballing here."

Thus the question still remains to this day: 'When did the glitter get on the Ocarina of Time?' When the more important question that should have been asked was: 'Why does anyone care?'

Since Sheik hadn't locked Link away in the room like the Hylian had hoped, Link finally decided to head to Death Mountain.


	9. Chapter 9: Whack-A-Volvogia

**Chapter 9**

* * *

**_What if the Fire Temple's Boss resembled Whack-A-Mole?  
_**_Wonder no more! …Yeah, I'm not quite sure what I was thinking when I wrote this chapter question, but…ehh! What the heck?_

* * *

Link headed to Death Mountain. Link ran out of the Forest Meadow.

"So, um," Link scratched his head, "how does me being in the Lost Woods help me get to Death Mountain?"

Navi rolled her eyes. "Just follow me."

Link stopped in his tracks and planted his feet in the ground.

"Navi, I am a full grown adult now," Link nodded, "and as a grown-up, I refuse to be bossed around like some…some…some short guy!"

"Link, this is no time to be difficult," Navi said.

"Whatcha gonna do about it?" Link smirked. "In case you haven't noticed, I weigh a lot more than I did seven years ago."

"Surprisingly," Navi paused. "Considering you didn't eat once during all of that time."

Link sat down.

"And because of that, you can't grab my ears and drag me anywhere anymore," Link huffed. "So, there!"

There was a pause. Link heard Navi crack her knuckles.

"My, my," Navi chuckled, "is that a _challenge?_"

Link's eyes widened. He covered his ears.

"N-N-No," Link gulped.

"Good. Now stand up," Navi smiled.

Link wobbled as he stood up.

"That's better," Navi nodded. "We wouldn't want there to be an _accident_ where your ears get _torn off_ or something."

"Eh heh heh…" Link chuckled nervously. "Still want a regular fairy… A _nice_ fairy…"

Navi turned around and glared. "Care to repeat that?"

Link gulped and shook his head slowly.

"Good, now keep moving," Navi snapped.

Link walked, following Navi through the Lost Woods.

"So, um, where are we going again?"

Navi slapped her forehead.

"Link, remember that stone like archway we would always pass on the way to the Forest Meadow?" Navi sighed.

"No?" Link asked.

"How do you expect me to stop treating you like a complete and total moron when you say things like that?" Navi asked.

"Okay, okay, maybe," Link groaned. "But I never went in there, so I guess it just didn't seem important enough to remember."

"That's better," Navi huffed. "Anyway, based on the structure of the architecture, I theorize that the archway in question connects directly to Goron City."

"…I'm just going to pretend I understood all of that," Link grinned.

"And you had kept your mouth shut, I would believed you had too," Navi sighed. "Anyway, I think that if we go through that gate, then we'll end up in Goron City. And since our goal is Death Mountain, and since that song you played off-screen has the power to teleport you to the Sacred Forest Meadow, this seems like the fastest solution."

"Okay," Link shrugged. "As long as it's faster."

Navi flew ahead.

Link paused. "…And you probably won't stop complaining until I do as you say."

"Keep it moving, tunic boy," Navi called out behind her.

Link sighed and trotted into the next entrance way. He turned to see Navi, floating idly by an archway made of stone. Link stared at the archway.

"I could have sworn this was bigger when I saw this last…" Link paused.

"…I'll let you figure that one out yourself," Navi groaned. "Anyway, hurry up."

"Ow!"

"…And watch your head."

Link rubbed his forehead. "Yeah, it defiantly got smaller somehow."

Link ducked down and walked into the darkness in front of him.

* * *

Link continued walking through the tunnel as the light slowly dimmed. The background music changed, and the ground beneath him changed from soft grass to raw earth and small pebbles. Soon, another light faded into vision.

"No, seriously, Navi, this is creeping me out," Link gulped. "Like, doorways don't just shrink over time…do they?"

"What? You believe snoring men get louder over time, but you get creeped out the second you think a doorway got smaller?" Navi asked.

Link took a moment to think about this. "That's a completely different—"

Link felt a tiny little hand pressed against his chest. Link looked to see Navi's familiar blue glow. Link looked in front of him to see several large boulders blocking the paths in front of them.

There was a pause.

"…Well, that failed," Link rubbed his hands together. "What's Plan B?"

Link turned to Navi. She held up a bomb.

"Ack!" Link jumped back in surprise. "When did you steal that?!"

"Just now," Navi shrugged. "And trust me, Link. Explosives solve everything."

"I don't think they—" Link began.

Navi chucked the bomb. A loud explosion ensued, which triggered a chain reaction. Light from the several explosions poured over Link and Navi. The force battered around Link's hair, and even his hat struggled to stay on.

The path was cleared. Link watched with widened eyes as Navi began laughing senselessly.

"Bwahahaha!" Navi cackled. "Awww, man! That was so satisfying! Ha ha ha ha!"

"—do…?" Link blinked.

"Exactly," Navi smiled.

"What was with the laugh just now?" Link blinked.

"Erm…" Navi coughed. "Let's just say when Ivan burned the school down, I was completely ecstatic…they dragged me from the building…and I had to be restrained…for ten minutes…"

Navi giggled to herself.

"…Though it was completely worth it…" Navi said in a quiet voice.

Link paused. "So you're a guy that likes fire so much it's unhealthy guy—"

"Pyromaniac," Navi corrected.

"Right, well, you're one of those pyromans on top of it all?" Link asked.

"So what if I am?" Navi huffed.

"Nothing," Link said.

Navi flew ahead.

"…Except now I definitely want a different fairy…" Link whispered.

"What's taking so long?" Navi called out. "We don't have all—whoa…"

Link walked into the open space to see that they were, indeed, in Goron City. Link joined the puzzled Navi. Goron City was completely deserted.

"Is Goron City Goron-less?" Link asked.

"I hope not," Navi huffed. "Otherwise they'd have to change the name. And just 'City' by itself doesn't quite have the same ring to it."

"Wait, what's that over there?" Link asked.

Link squinted. Down a couple floors was a lone Goron, rolling around in a large loop on said floor. Link watched it for a while. Not once did it stop.

"Good, now it can stay 'Goron City'," Navi nodded. "Or, wait, should it be called 'Lone Goron City' then?"

Link hopped down to a lower floor.

"No harm in checking it out," Link said. "Besides, maybe all the other Gorons went out for Bacon and Eggs or something."

"I won't even ask where you pulled that from," Navi grumbled.

Link soon found himself on the same floor as the lone Goron. With the Goron rolling down the path towards him, Link extended his hand.

"Hi there!" Link smiled. "How are you?"

"Link, I don't think this is such a good idea," Navi paused. "Remember the Goron who used to mow you over every time you tried to climb up the mountain?"

The rolling Goron suddenly screeched to a halt and began rolling away as fast as it could in the opposite direction.

Link raised an eyebrow. "Well, _daaaang_."

"Here, leave the social interactions to me," Navi nodded.

The Goron rolled around the corner, and was coming up behind them. Navi turned around to face it.

"Greetings," Navi smiled. "Sorry about my Kokiri here, he's just a little—"

The Goron once again screeched to a halt and sped off in the opposite direction.

"Why, that bratty little—!" Navi snarled.

"Hey! I'm not a Kokiri! I'm a Hylian, remember?" Link huffed. "I did, like, grow some while the other Kokiri didn't."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Navi grumbled. "The technicalities aren't important right now—"

Link gasped. "Ohhhh! So _that's_ why the doorway shrunk! I got taller!"

Navi flew into Link's inventory. She soon reemerged with a lit bomb in hand.

"What are you doing?!" Link let out.

Navi flew after the rolling Goron. It was at the other side of the ring.

"UUUAAAAAAHHHHH!" was heard.

"THIS'LL TEACH YOU TO IGNORE ME, YOU LITTLE PUNK!" yelled the little blue fairy.

Link flinched at the ensuing explosion. Link ran over.

"Oh my Farore, are you okay?!" Link gasped.

The Goron wasn't moving.

Link turned to Navi. "That was completely unnecessary!"

"That doesn't mean it wasn't fun," Navi smirked.

Link glared at Navi.

"Hey, look," Navi huffed. "He was the one that ignored me. Besides, I didn't think it would kill him."

"It didn't kill him," Link said. "But that was still not nice—"

"Wait, it _didn't?_" Navi blinked. "You mean—?"

"How could you do this to me?" the 'dead' Goron let out.

Navi stared at the Goron. She noticed for the first time that it was trembling. She looked back at Link, who was giving her an unimpressed look.

"Oh come on, I wasn't paying attention to details like that," Navi huffed. "How was I supposed to know?"

"You, you're Ganondorf's servant!" the Goron told Navi.

"No, but I can put you in a world of pain if you dare defy me again," Navi nodded.

"Who's the evil I'm fighting again?" Link sighed.

"Hear my name and tremble! I am Link! Hero of the Gorons!" the Goron let out.

"I'm not trembling!" Navi told the Goron.

"But wait a minute here," Link paused. "I thought I was Link."

The Goron stood up.

"What?" the Goron asked.

"Link, there can be more than one person with the same name, you know," Navi said.

"Your name is also Link?" the Goron named Link asked.

"Clearly this is an issue of identity theft," Link stroked his chin.

"Then you must be the legendary Dodongo Buster and Hero, Link!" Goron Link exclaimed.

"You've heard of me?" Link's face lit up. "I really must be famous around here."

"Hey!" Navi piped up. "I was the one who carried him through that dungeon! I deserve some credit here?"

Goron Link cocked his head. "Why was she carrying you?"

"Isn't the bigger question here how she can carry me?" Link asked.

Navi sighed. "Look, it's a long story. Let's just say gravity broke that day, and in order to wipe out the entire species I had to—"

"Gravity broke? Really? Dad never said anything about that…" Goron Link paused.

"Fairies never get any credit!" Navi huffed.

"Dad?" Link blinked. "Gorons have parents?"

"Not everyone is denied the right to having parents, you know," Navi said.

"But I—" Link's eyes watered.

"My dad is Darunia… Do you remember him?" Goron Link asked.

"Oh yeah!" Link's face lit up. "I remember him! He's the one with the soft carpet!"

"Dad named me Link after you, because you're so brave! It's a cool name! I really like it!" Goron Link exclaimed.

"Well, thanks!" Link chuckled.

"Link, you are the hero to us Gorons! I'm so glad to meet you!" Goron Link exclaimed.

"Aww, I don't know what to say!" Link blushed.

"Okay, question. If Darunia's your dad," Navi asked, "then who's your mom?"

There was a long pause.

"W-W-Well…" Goron Link sniffled. "I heard there was this Cucco accident, and she…!"

"Okay, okay, touchy subject," Navi said. "Forget I said anything."

"Anyways… Please give me your autograph! Sign it: 'To my friend, Link of the Gorons.'" Goron Link exclaimed.

The Goron pulled out an autograph book.

"Okay!" Link exclaimed.

Goron Link handed the book to Link. Link pulled out a sharpie from his hat and began scribbling aimlessly.

"Ummmm…" Navi paused. "So, uh, where are the other Gorons?"

"Oh… I guess it's not a good time to ask for this…" Goron Link paused.

The Goron grabbed the book Link was scribbling in and put it back from wherever he pulled it from. Link looked at the Goron with watered eyes.

"But that was my first autograph signing ever!" Link whimpered.

"Link, I thought you weren't good with publicity," Navi groaned.

"No, I just don't like hordes of stampeding Zelda fans chasing me, that's all," Link nodded.

"Oh right. Not good with large crowds," Navi sighed.

"Please help everyone!" Goron Link grabbed Link's tunic. "My dad, Darunia, went to the Fire Temple. A dragon is inside! If we don't hurry up, even my dad will be eaten by the dragon!"

"Whoa! Whoa!" Link exclaimed. "Slow down there, junior!"

Goron Link started to cry.

"Ummm…" Link paused.

"…Well, crap," Navi muttered.

"B-b-b-boooo hooooo!" Goron Link sobbed.

Link and Navi stared blankly at the Goron child.

"What should I do?" Link asked out of the corner of his mouth.

"You'd better try and calm him down if you can… Maybe he will calm down if you talk to him? What do you want to ask him?" Navi's body jolted.

"I dunno!" Link whispered harshly. "What do you ask a crying Goron when his dad is somewhere and there are dragons involved somehow?!"

"Try asking him about what's going on," Navi whispered back. "You know, to see if you can help comfort him or something?"

"Okay, um…" Link scratched his head. "Let's see… Want to tell me about the Dragon, um…Link?"

"A long time ago there was an evil dragon named Volvogia living in this mountain. That dragon was very scary!" Goron Link sniffed.

"Oh?" Link tried to sound interested. "How so?"

"He ate Gorons!" Goron Link explained.

There was another pause.

"_Dang_, that guy's got guts!" Navi exclaimed.

"Navi!" Link whispered harshly.

"What can I say? Gorons eat rocks for crying out loud!" Navi pointed out. "That guy would need diamond dentures!"

Goron Link began crying even harder.

"Ummm… How did the bad dragon die?" Link asked. "Is that a good question?"

"By using a large hammer, the hero of the Gorons…BOOOM!" Goron Link sniffled. "He beat the high score on 'Whack-a-Volvogia'! This is a myth from long ago, but it's true! I know, because my dad is a descendant of the hero! He inherited his whacking muscles."

"…And you didn't?" Link asked.

Goron Link started crying again.

"I guess that's a touchy topic too," Link paused.

"Sheesh, that mom of his must have had bad genetics," Navi said.

"B-b-b-boooo hooooo!" Goron Link wailed.

"You'd better try and calm him down if you can… Maybe he will calm down if you talk to him? What do you want to ask him?" Navi twitched madly.

"You just said that…" Link pointed out.

"It's O.N.A.! Sheesh!" Navi huffed. "Anyway, hurry up and ask something or I might act up again."

"Why don't _you_ ask him something?" Link huffed. "You're the one who made the crack about his mom's genetics."

Navi began to vibrate. "You'd better try and calm him down if you can… Maybe he will calm down if you talk to him? What do you want to ask him?"

Link sighed. Link turned to the Goron.

"So, uh, Link, buddy. What happened to the other Gorons?" Link asked.

"Everyone was taken to the Fire Temple…While my dad was out…Ganondorf's followers came and took them all away!" Goron Link exclaimed.

"I knew the Destroyer of Malls was up to no good!" Navi huffed.

"W-What?" Goron Link blinked.

"You don't want to know," Link sighed.

"Anyways…All of them will be eaten by Volvogia!" Goron Link sniffled. "Dad said that Ganondorf has revived Volvogia… As a warning to those who might appose him, Ganondorf is going to feed them all to Volvogia!"

"Like I said," Navi nodded, "diamond dentures."

"Okay, so, where's you're dad now?" Link asked. "Maybe we can lend him a hand."

"Dad went to the Fire Temple all by himself to try and save everyone… Please help, Link!" Goron Link pleaded.

"Of course we will—" Link began.

"What's in it for us?" Navi asked. "Many Ocarina of Time fans dislike the Goron race. What is keeping us from leaving you guys to fend for yourselves, and preventing you from being in future generations of games?"

"Do I sense a desperate attempt to gain a fandom?" Link looked at Navi.

"I'll give this heat-resistant tunic!" Goron Link sounded hopeful.

"We'll take it!" Navi grinned.

DUN UN UN UNN! Link got the Goron Tunic! It's a bright red tunic that doesn't go with Link's complexion. Oh, and it's fire-proof or something.

"…I think that short time we spent dabbling in the Black Market had a bad influence on you," Link said.

"Softy," Navi huffed.

"Oh, I'll be right back!" Goron Link nodded.

Goron Link rolled down into the lowest part of the city. Soon, the doors to Darunia's Throne Room and item shop opened up.

"…Okay, how'd he do that?" Navi asked.

"SIMPLE!" Goron Link yelled from the bottom floor. "I HAVE THE KEYS!"

"Well, that explains it…" Link muttered.

"You know, he could have just said 'because magic' and gotten away with it," Navi said.

Goron Link rolled back up to where Link and Navi were standing by means of the stairs. He stood up on arrival.

"Dad told me not to let anybody follow him to the Temple, but…only you, Link, can save everyone!" Goron Link seemed confident.

"Pssh, I don't think he could even tie his own shoes if he wanted to…" Navi scoffed.

"Navi…"

"Yes, Link?"

"How do you go about 'tying shoes'?" Link asked.

"I have no clue! Why are you asking me?" Navi huffed.

"You were the one who mentioned it," Link said.

"…Shut up," Navi sounded embarrassed.

"I'm sure that the shop owner, who is hiding somewhere right now, will also help you!" Goron Link added.

"Ah ha! So there is more than one Goron!" Navi exclaimed. "The name does not need to be changed!"

Navi danced on the spot.

"…Uhhh…" Goron Link paused.

"Another thing you don't want to ask about," Link sighed.

"…Now, I'll tell you about the secret passage to the Fire Temple!" Goron Link laughed nervously. "Try and move the statue inside dad's room!"

"You mean the one he purposefully stood in front of to keep any overly curious gamers from going into the volcano by accident?" Navi asked.

"That's the one!" Goron Link smiled.

"Thanks for the tip!" Link exclaimed.

"And thanks for going to save my dad and his people!" Goron Link added.

"And thanks for giving me my first option to wardrobe change in my life!" Link grinned.

"And thanks for listening to my tale," Goron Link grinned. "I really appreciate it."

"And thanks for telling me where all the Gorons went," Link said. "I was really beginning to wonder where they had gone."

"And thanks for—" Goron Link began.

"Oh my Farore, will you two shut up and get going?" Navi groaned.

"Fine," Link groaned.

Link hopped down into the center of Goron City. There was a loud crunch.

"And try not to—"

"Owwww!"

"_LINK!_"

* * *

After a moment of foot therapy, Link headed to Darunia's room, and pulled the statue away. Sure enough, there was a secret passageway behind it. Turns out it was a direct passageway to the Crater of Death Mountain.

Using his rusted Hookshot, Link managed to cross a burning bridge he found there. As soon as he crossed, Sheik fell from the sky.

"HOLY CUCCO TURDS!" Link screamed.

"Nice to see you again, too," Sheik huffed.

Sheik examined Link from head to toe. He wore his new Goron Tunic, which kept him from feeling the heat.

"I see you acquired a new tunic," Sheik said.

"Yeah," Link sighed. "But Navi says it doesn't look that good on me."

"Red is so not your colour," Navi huffed. "At least not that shade of red. Maybe if it was a darker colour…"

"But this one's fireproof!" Link protested.

"Red still isn't your colour!" Navi said.

Sheik nodded. "I agree."

"There! See! Even—wait, what?" Navi blinked.

Sheik cleared his throat.

"It's something that grows over time…a true friendship. A feeling in the heart that becomes even stronger over time… The passion of friendship will soon blossom into a righteous power," Sheik explained.

"Blossom into power? Like Din's Fire? Only with flowers?" Link asked.

"An odd connection, but no. Not like Din's Fire," Sheik sighed.

"Don't worry, I miss the burning too," Navi patted Link on the back. "But if we set it off here, we'd end up burning the bridge we're standing on and falling into the lava."

Link looked at the lava below him. A bubble burst.

"…That's a good point," Link said.

"_Ahem._"

"Sorry, Sheik," Link nodded.

"Through it, you will know which way to go…" Sheik explained. "This song is dedicated to the power of the heart…Listen to the 'Bolero of Fire'…"

Sheik pulled the harp out of his back pocket again.

"Say… Sheik? Can I ask you something?" Link asked.

"Shoot," Sheik said. "But make it quick. I'm kinda standing in the middle of an active volcano without any fire protection."

"Where do you get that harp? It looks like you pulled it out of your butt…" Link told Sheik.

"…I hid it in my back pocket…" Sheik paused.

"But you're wearing a tight jumpsuit, right? If it was in your back pocket, then wouldn't we be able to see it?" Link asked.

There was an awkward pause.

"Because magic," Sheik huffed. "Now, do you want to learn this song or not?"

"Not really, no," Link picked his teeth with his sword.

"…It's your destiny," Sheik paused.

"Ehh, I don't care," Link shrugged. "The world's already totally messed up. And I doubt whatever my destiny has to say about me will really change anything."

Sheik rolled his eyes and played Boloro of Fire on his harp. Sheik looked up at Link expectantly.

"Even though it's my destiny, shouldn't I get a choice in the matter?" Link asked.

Sheik began tapping his foot.

"Link, stop being a pain," Navi said.

Link played back Boloro of Fire to Sheik. DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned Boloro of Fire! Now Link can warp back to this location whenever he wants! …Not sure why he'd wanna warp back to an active volcano, but whatever.

"Link…I'll see you again…" Sheik said.

Link took a step towards Sheik. A wall of fire shot up between them. Sheik took a couple steps back and threw a Deku Nut at the ground. DUN UN UN UNN! Link became blinded once more! Dang, that's gotta get annoying after a while. The wall of fire calmed down once more.

"Egads!" Navi let out. "How did that not burn through the bridge?!"

"I've got a better question," Link huffed. "Why does Sheik insist on throwing a Deku Nut every time we talk to him?"

"I've got an even better question," Navi added. "Why does Sheik insist on stalking us?"

"I've got an even better question," Link added. "Why can't we see Sheik's harp in his back pocket?"

"I've got an even better question than that," Navi said. "Why are we arguing about this?"

"Ah, good point," Link nodded. "Let's go."

Link and Navi made their way deeper into the volcano.

* * *

After a bit of exploring, Link entered the Fire Temple. In the first room were three tall standing statues, each with a large flame in their opened mouths. However, Link wasn't one for scenery and simply walked up the stairs and out the door on the left.

The room he found himself in was a large lava pit with several tall stone blocks situated throughout the room. By the far wall, underneath the awkwardly placed Whack-A-Mole Rip off sign, Link saw the familiar towering silhouette of Darunia.

"Who's there?" the tall Goron asked. "Is that you, Link…?"

"Oh my Farore! Yes, that's right!" Link slapped his cheek. "How did he know?"

"Link, who else but us has had contact with the Gorons considering the guard they posted at the base of the mountain?" Navi asked. "After all, we saved their people, as Link the Goron said. We obviously left a lasting impression on them. Especially me. Because I'm awesome—"

"Did you bring someone with you?" Darunia blinked. "I don't _see_ anyone…"

There was a long pause.

"Hello?" Darunia asked. "Who's with you, brother?"

Navi sighed heavily. "It's the tooth fairy."

"Ohh! A fairy that works magic with teeth, eh?" Darunia chuckled. "I lost some in a fight last month. Do ya think you can do some magic stuff to make 'em grow back?"

There was another pause.

"Why has everyone gone quiet?" Darunia asked.

"Okay, so, who are you again?" Link asked.

Navi slapped her forehead. "Are you serious? After we just talked with his son?"

"Er, uh…" Link bit his lip. "I'm bad with names?"

"Ohh! You've talked to my son, have you?" Darunia grinned.

"Yeah! Um," Link paused, "looks like you got a wife, huh?"

"Who's the lucky lady?" Navi asked.

Darunia inhaled sharply. "Well… Ummm… First you should know about the accident…with the Cuccos…and the giant bottle of Lon Lon Milk—"

"Okay, I just don't wanna know," Navi asked.

"So, um, okay, something happened between your wife and the Cuccos," Link paused. "Anything else new?"

"Brother, I want have a man-to-man talk, but now is not the time," Darunia said with a stern expression.

"Uhh…Okay?" Link asked.

"Sheesh, we're just trying to be conversational," Navi huffed.

"Ganondorf is causing trouble on Death Mountain again! He has revived the evil, ancient dragon Volvogia!" Darunia explained. "On top of that, he is going to feed my people to that evil dragon as a warning to the other races that might resist him… If that fire-breathing dragon escapes from the mountain, all of Hyrule will become a burning wasteland!"

"_Yes!_" Navi cheered to herself.

Link paused. "We'll get you help later."

"I will go on ahead and try to seal up the evil dragon by beating the high score…I'm concerned, though, because I don't have a whacking hammer…" Darunia mumbled.

"Whacking hammer?" Navi raised an eyebrow.

"Isn't 'whacking' what all hammers are supposed to do?" Link asked.

"But I have no choice," Darunia sighed. "Link…I'm asking you to do this as my Sworn Brother…While I'm trying to deal with dragon, please save my people!"

"But that's boring!" Navi protested.

"Quiet, tooth fairy," Link nudged Navi. "So, where are they?"

"The prisoner's cells are in the opposite direction," Darunia nodded. "I'm counting on you, Link!"

Link watched as Darunia went through the boss's room without a key. Odd. Link then looked around the room.

"Hey! Look!" Navi exclaimed.

"Hurry up and spit out the O.N.A.," Link sighed.

"No!" Navi let out. "I'm not having an attack right now! Just look over there!"

"Okay, but if I hear one 'listen', I'm leaving you in this room," Link said.

"Gah! That sign," Navi pointed to something. "Look at that sign!"

Link looked up and saw a large banner hanging from the ceiling above the Boss's Room. Printed on it in large font was…

"…Navi, can you read that for me?" Link asked.

"Gah!" Navi let out. "Do I have to do _everything_ for you?"

"No," Link said. "Just reading."

Navi grumbled to herself and began reading the sign aloud for Link.

"'WHACK-A-VOLVOGIA! Grand Prize: A Shiny Medallion!' is what it says. There! Happy now?" Navi asked.

"Yes," Link nodded. "Basically, it's a game where you win a prize."

"If you ask me," Navi paused, "this seems easy. Too easy."

"Hey, I'm all for it," Link shrugged. "After all, the prize is not just some medallion, it's a _Shiny _Medallion. And everybody likes shiny things."

"You know Link, for a guy of nineteen, you need to stop acting like you're twelve…" Navi sighed.

"I was twelve when I pulled the sword out, right?" Link asked.

"Well, yes, but…" Navi paused.

"Exactly! I can act however old I want! And who knows?" Link smiled. "This 'Whack-a-Volvo' thing could be fun!"

"But don't we need the hammer to do that?" Navi asked.

"Do we?" Link asked.

Navi pointed to the sign. Link squinted to see some finer print at the bottom of the sign.

"Can't read."

"DANG IT!" Navi let out.

Navi took a deep breath and read the sign aloud.

Navi rolled her eyes, "'P.S. Whacking hammer not provided. Volvogia ate the provided one.'"

"Okay, fine," Link rolled his eyes. "We'll get the hammer, then come back. How hard could it be?"

Five hours later…

"Bloody….Hammer… Chest…fire…switch…running…killer bats…AUGUGHAGUAHG!" Link bellowed.

Link staggered his way toward the boss's door. Using his sword as a cane, he stabbed his way across the tiles. Link was covered in several cuts, bruises, and third degree burns. Even Navi did not come out unscarred, and wore a little band aid.

"Look on the bright side, Link," Navi said. "We got to see a lot of things burning."

"How is that looking on the bright side—" Link asked.

"FIRE! IT BRILLIANT! BWAHAHA!" Navi cackled.

"Yeeaah, you definitely need help," Link sighed. "Now, where I can get you psychological counseling is a different matter."

"No! No," Navi coughed. "I'm, uh, perfectly normal. I'm not weird. Nope, not at all. I don't like fire in the slightest."

Navi's eyelid twitched.

"_Riiiiight_," Link raised both eyebrows.

"So, uh, what about the Gorons?" Navi asked. "We did kinda just leave half of them there…"

"Ehh," Link shrugged. "If we take out that Volvo guy, there won't be anything out else there to eat 'em, right? They'll be fine locked up."

"They might starve," Navi added.

"They eat _rocks_," Link huffed. "They can eat their way out."

"Ah, good point," Navi nodded.

"Anyway, that Volvo guy," Link panted. "Let's…beat him."

Link hobbled over to the boss's door.

"Don't you think we should regain some more energy before we go in there?" Navi asked.

"I'm young, strong, and fit!" Link smirked. "Besides—that Darunia guy probably weakened Volvo considerably, if not defeated him by now. This should be a cake walk."

"If you say so," Navi sighed.

Link looked at the door. On it was a large lock surrounded by chains. To the side of the door was a piece of paper nailed awkwardly to the wall, and beside it was a small open slot. Link rummaged through his pockets.

"Great… I forgot to get the key, didn't I…?" Link muttered.

"Do we need one?" Navi asked.

"We've needed one every dungeon before this one, so, yes," Link said. "Yes, we do."

"_Hello_," Navi pointed behind her. "Rupee slot."

"Rupee slot?" Link blinked.

"Just look at the sign," Navi said.

Link looked at the sign.

"Can't read."

"I hate you."

Navi flew over to the sign.

"'Payment Instructions: one rupee for one minute, five rupees for five minute, ten rupees for ten minutes, and one hundred rupees for one hundred minutes'," Navi sighed. "Basically, pay the exact same amount of rupees for time."

"But wouldn't it be one hour and forty minutes as opposed to one hundred minutes?" Link asked.

"I guess the person who wrote the sign was bad at conversions," Navi said. "Anyway, hurry up and pay."

Link put in five rupees.

"Oh come on! Only five minutes?!" Navi huffed.

"I only need five minutes," Link smiled. "'Cause I'm just that cool."

The door to the boss's room sped open. The lock and chains still held, and clattered with the lack of the door's presence.

"You're wounded in several places and you only have three hearts!" Navi protested. "You're insane!"

"Or just that cool," Link nodded.

Navi slapped her forehead. Link entered the boss's room. Navi paused, sighed, and sped in after him.

* * *

Navi entered the room to see Link standing facing a pit of lava. Towering out of the lava was a large stone slab with several holes also filled with lava.

"Hmm, we'd better be cautious," Navi pondered. "After all, we are up against a dragon living in a volcano. If we make a mistake, the chances are that he will use them against us—"

Link leapt playfully through the air. "_Weee~!_"

"L-L-LINK!" Navi hissed.

Navi whizzed after her Hylian partner. They both jumped back when a long, black dragon covered in lava flew into the air. Link's eyes followed the long body until his gaze found the face of the beast, which was coming straight for him. It let out a shrill roar.

Navi's jaw dropped. "My…Din…!"

"It looks like an ugly cross between a goat and a lava snake!" Link looked repulsed.

"I have no idea how you arrived to that conclusion but…oh well," Navi sighed.

"P-Pr-Pre-Prepare yourself h-h-h-he-hero!" the beast let out.

"Holy guacamole! It talked!" Link gagged.

"That can't be canon," Navi said.

"I-I-I-I-I is Vol-vol-vol-volvogia!" Volvogia hissed.

"And, apparently, you have a speaking problem," Navi rolled her eyes.

"I-I'm still getting used to the idea of it…_talking_…" Link gulped.

"Y-y-y-y-y-y-you is wasting your ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-time! You only have th-th-th-thr-thre-three seconds left," Volvogia hissed.

"You mean fifty, right?" Link asked.

Volvogia ducked into a nearby lava hole.

"Bah, what the heck," Link shrugged. "Let's just kill you. HIYA!"

Link raised the hammer above his head. He closed his eyes, aiming at the lava beast, whose head was protruding out of the nearby lava hole. He slammed the hammer down on the beast's head, which caused it to shriek in pain. 1000 points blinked at the top corner of the screen.

Link was about to swing at the dragon again when a loud beeping rang out through the room.

"What the…? I'm not low on hearts?" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Ahh! What is _that?!_" Navi gagged.

A large, metal claw descended from the ceiling. It grabbed the back of Link's tunic, and began pulling him up. Link squirmed wildly, which unfortunately yielded no results.

* * *

Link was flung out of the boss's room.

'_Rrrrrrr! Time ran out! Please insert rupees to play again,'_ an automated recording played.

"Uhhh…" Navi paused.

"Oh come on!" Link bellowed. "That was the shortest five minutes I've ever!"

"Wait… I misread it… It says 'seconds' not 'minutes'…" Navi told Link. "Whoopsies."

Link glared at Navi.

"Hey, even I miss things sometimes too, okay?" Navi shrugged.

"…I hate you," Link grumbled.

"Finally, a mutual agreement," Navi smirked.

Link crossed his arms and turned away from Navi.

"Can you just pay the machine again so we can beat that guy?" Navi asked.

"Fine, Miss I-can't-readie pants," Link grumbled.

Link put five rupees in the slot. The boss's room opened once more.

"Hey! Hey! Whoa, now!" Navi buzzed. "I know this is blind robbery, but come on! Give yourself more time than that!"

"Oh _puh-lease_, Navi," Link smirked. "Trust me. I've got this under control."

Link walked into the boss's room.

"…How come after you say that, trusting you is the last thing I'm able to do?" Navi sighed.

Navi flew in after Link.

* * *

Navi entered to see Link already over at the slab of rock with lava holes. Volvogia had a distinct grin on his face.

"B-b-b-ba-bac-back so soo-soo-soon?" Volvogia snickered.

"You'd better believe it!" Link grinned. "And this time around, _I_ have the advantage! I may not have been out there for long, but I managed to weaken you a bit! If I can hit you at least once every time I come in here, I will eventually take you down!"

Volvogia began chuckling to himself.

Link frowned. "Your health resets every time I come back, doesn't it?"

"Y-y-yu-yu-yup," Volvogia snickered.

"DANG IT!" Link let out.

"Link, this is why I don't trust you when it comes to these things," Navi said.

A loud beeping rang out again, and the metal claw descended down upon Link once more.

* * *

Link was flung out of the boss's room.

'_Rrrrrrr! Time ran out! Please insert rupees to play again,'_ an automated recording played.

"Why do I feel like that five seconds was somehow shorter?" Navi asked.

"Can I kill that thing?" Link muttered.

"Well, I think if we think of a good plan, then maybe we can take down Volvogia and beat the high score, yes," Navi said.

"No, I meant the machine," Link grumbled. "It's reminding me of you."

Navi glared at Link.

"…when you have O.N.A.!" Link chuckled nervously. "Yeah! That's when."

"Anyway," Navi huffed. "It's obvious that we need to think things through before going in there. First of all, it'd be a good idea if we had a longer time than five seconds. Fifty? A hundred?"

"And waste more than five rupees?" Link looked aghast. "No way!"

"Okay, then," Navi sighed, "we've got to consider our resources. Now, we know that it's weak against the legendary whacking hammer, but what else do we think we could use? Bombs? Arrows?"

A wicked grin spread across Link's face.

"You have an idea?" Navi asked.

"Heh heh heh heh…" Link chuckled.

"Why do I not like where this is going?" Navi paled.

* * *

Volvogia filed his nails when the door to the room opened up again. Link leapt forward. Volvogia threw the nail file in the lava.

"Ready to b-b-b-b-b-b-b-be beaten?" the dragon smirked.

"Not so fast! We have a plan!" Link proclaimed.

"I can't believe I'm doing this," Navi groaned.

"Y-y-y-y-you did last time as w-w-we-wel-well, to-too," Volvogia yawned. "T-t-that d-d-didn't work out so w-we-well, now di-di-did it?"

"Well…uh…" Link paused. "S-Shut up! We've got a better one!"

"O-o-o-o-o-oh?"

"Yep!" Link grinned. "TAKE THIS!"

Link chucked the bottle of sour milk through the air.

"A-A-A-AI-AI-AIIIIEEEEE!" Volvogia shrieked.

The milk hit Volvogia right between the eyes. He died anticlimactically.

"…Oh my Din, I can't believe that actually worked," Navi paused.

'_NEW RECORD!_' played loudly.

Confetti fell from the ceiling.

"Boo yah!" Link whooped. "Didn't that feel great, Navi?"

"I just feel ripped off that we wasting five hours finding that stupid whacking hammer and we didn't even end up using it," Navi grumbled.

"_Shhh_," Link held a finger to his mouth. "Don't spoil the moment."

There was a pause.

"Ahhh, that's better," Link smiled. "Okay, so, I'm all for getting out of here."

"Yeah, as am I," Navi said. "It's literally boiling in here. And if it weren't for my NPC privileges, I would be a flaming little soot ball by now."

"Shall we?" Link asked.

Link began walking toward the teleportation device on the floor.

"Wait a second," Navi paused.

Link stopped in his tracks. "Hm?"

"Isn't that the teleportation device that Saria made?" Navi asked.

"I though Rauru gave it to her," Link paused.

"Whatever, the one that Ivan talked about. How he got it doesn't matter," Navi huffed. "Come over here."

Link gazed at the portal on the floor. It looked identical to the one they used in the Forest Temple.

"Huh, you're right," Link blinked.

"What's it doing here?" Navi asked.

"Maybe Ivan braved the volcano?" Link asked.

"No, that can't be it," Navi shook her head. "Ivan's sheer amount of fail broke his NPC privileges a long time ago."

"Then, well, uh," Link bit his lip. "To be honest, I have no clue as to why it's here."

"Whatever, it's probably nothing," Navi sighed. "Just forget I mentioned it."

"It's going to bother me now—"

"Forget I mentioned it."

"But—"

"Forget it."

Link sighed and stepped into the portal.

* * *

Meanwhile… The wreath of flame around Death Mountain erupted. Several of Hyrule's citizens gasp at the sight. The sky faded back to its blue colour.

* * *

…Umm… That was random… Anyway, Link warped into the Chamber of the Sages. Darunia rose up from out of the red platform on the ground. He was grinning widely.

"Thank you, Brother! I really appreciate what you did. I thank you on the behalf of the entire Goron race!" Darunia exclaimed.

"Thanks!" Link chuckled. "It was nothing, really!"

"You're enjoying this way too much…" Navi sighed.

"Ooohhh!" Darunia's face lit up. "You brought the tooth fairy with you! Can you do magic on my teeth now?"

Darunia opened his mouth widely to reveal several unkempt teeth that would have made any dentist faint. Link and Navi cringed.

"Uhhh…" Navi paused. "No thanks?"

"Say, Darunia," Link began, "I was wondering. How did you survive?"

"What do you mean by that, Brother?" Darunia asked.

"Well, when I entered the boss's room to defeat Volvo, you weren't anywhere to be seen," Link said. "I kinda just assumed that you had died, that's all."

There was a pause.

"You turned out to be a real man, just as I thought you would!" Darunia smirked.

"Oh come on," Link groaned. "Don't try and change the topic on me. It's not going to work—"

"Him? A real man?" Navi burst out laughing. "Pffft—HA HA HA HA HA!"

Link face palmed.

"I, the wild Darunia, turned out to be the great Sage of Fire… Isn't that funny, Brother?" Darunia asked. "Well, this must be what they call destiny. Nothing has made me happier than helping you seal the evil here and break my ancestor's High Score!"

"I broke the high score?" Link asked, shocked, as Navi got off the floor and flew above Link's head.

"What? Did you think that loud 'new record' crap was there just to confuse you?" Navi asked.

"It might have been," Link shrugged.

"Well, as the sign says, you win this! This is a medallion that contains the power of the fire spirits—and my friendship," Darunia smiled.

Link began to drool. "_Shiiinnnyyy_…"

"Ooo…" Navi joined in.

DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUUHHH! Link got the Fire Medallion! This medallion is not only shiny, but also contains the heat of a thousand flames and—oh crap! Link's Deku Shield burned up!

Link was warped out of the Chamber of the Sages when a white light engulfed him.

"_Don't forget…now you and I are true Brothers!" said the voice on the wind._

"_I still won't fix your teeth!" Navi yelled back._

* * *

Link was warped back into the volcano, and by the entrance to the Fire Temple. Link, with some pestering from Navi, explored the area until they came across a cave. Link walked inside to see that familiar Great Fairy Fountain set up.

"Oh great," Navi gulped.

Link shrugged. "Well, we don't have all day."

Link pulled out his ocarina.

"Link, are you _sure _you wanna do this?" Navi asked. "After all, if three fountains weren't coincidence enough, then—"

"Look, Navi, I know that you are convinced that all fountains that look like this have Great Fairies in them, and, of that, you may be right," Link huffed. "However, after seeing three of them looking similar, it's not fair to expect the fourth one to be the same."

"They didn't look similar, they were freaking identical!" Navi buzzed.

"Navi, stereotyping is wrong," Link glared at the fairy. "Besides, maybe fairies have changed over seven years."

"True," Navi paused. "And it has been seven years. You might have grown up a bit since then."

Link glared at Navi. "Navi, we've been over this."

"I know, just saying," Navi shrugged.

Link huffed, and played Zelda's Lullaby. Another large woman twirled out.

"Welcome Link!" the Great Fairy winked.

"AUUUGGGHHH!" Link slapped his hands over his eyes.

There was a pause.

"Okay, I guess not," Navi said.

"Why?! WHY DO THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME?!" Link bellowed.

"Laziness on the Game Designers part?" Navi shrugged. "Either way, you're old enough to cover your own eyes for a change."

The Great Slut coughed.

"Sorry."

"I am the Great Fairy of Wisdom!" the Slutty Fairy grinned. "I am going to enhance your magic power. Receive it now!"

Link's Magic Meter Doubled! This means that you need twice as many magic bottles to fill it up again!

"Your magic power has been enhanced!" the 'Great Fairy' giggled. "Now you have twice as much magic power! When battle has made you weary, please come back to see me."

"Augh! Cannot unsee!" Link squirmed. "Why can't I unsee that?!"

The Great Fairy shrunk away into the fountain, cackling all the way.

* * *

Link walked out of the volcano. He was at the peak of the mountain. Link was about to begin the mountain climb when Navi's body jolted. Navi fluttered down to the ground, and Link bent over her.

"An artic wind is blowing from Zora's River…" Navi spluttered. "Do you feel it?"

"From on top of a mountain?" Link blinked.

Navi flew up again, perfectly fine.

"O.N.A.," Navi grumbled.

Link shrugged. "I figured as much."

"Well, since the O.N.A. mentioned Zora's River, I'm guessing that's where we're supposed to go next."

"That much is obvious," Link said.

"So, shall we?" Navi asked.

"Can I just see if the Cucco Lady wants me to collect her Cuccos—" Link asked.

Navi pointed in the opposite direction. "Go."

Link pulled out his ocarina and warped away.


	10. Chapter 10: Frigid Jello(TM)

**Chapter 10**

* * *

**_What would happen if the Zora's Domain was taken over by Jello(TM)__?  
_**_Wonder no more! …Wait, what? Jello(TM)__? Seriously? What is up with some of these chapter questions? Ahem. On with the story!_

* * *

Link and Navi trotted into Zora's Domain after overcoming some traumatic waterfall memories.

"Man, I love the shortcuts in the Lost Woods," Navi hummed.

Link wrung out his hat. "I guess, but did I have to get wet—whoa."

Link stared at the Zora's Domain. He saw a cavern frosted over with layers of gelatin. Link bent down to a nearby thicker patch and poked it.

"What is this stuff?" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Let me ask the more important question and say what the %&* happened here?!" Navi let out.

"I fail to see how that's more important," Link stood up.

"And I fail to see how you fail to see how you're an idiot," Navi said. "Now let's keep going."

Navi flew on ahead.

Link nodded in agreement. "True, tru—hey!"

Link charged after her. Soon they arrived at the King Zora, sitting in his usual spot. However, he was encompassed completely in a red gelatinous substance.

Link licked it experimentally.

"Mmmm…" Link licked his lips. "Cherry flavoured."

"Ewww!" Navi let out. "Don't _eat _it!"

"How else are we supposed to get him out of there?" Link asked.

Navi zipped into Link's inventory.

"H-Hey!" Link protested.

Navi reemerged with Din's Fire.

"With firepower, of course!" Navi smirked.

"Warn me before you do something like that!" Link huffed.

"Okay, maybe," Navi said. "Anyway, are you going to burn this place to kingdom come or do I get to do the honours?"

Navi snickered in anticipation.

"I'll do it, thank you," Link swiped the spell out of her hands. "After the story you told me about your high school, I don't think I can trust you with something like this."

"Spoil sport," Navi grumbled.

Link held the diamond spell in his hand and concentrated all his magic into it. Soon, the signature red dome surrounded Link. It burst out in all directions, leaving a scorched trail in its wake.

The red goop remained unscathed.

"That was disappointing," Link paused. "Who knew that cherry flavouring's sheer amount of awesomeness made it fireproof?"

"No, no! You're obviously doing it wrong!" Navi snatched the spell again. "Here. Let me show you how it's done."

Navi swooped down and grabbed the diamond spell out of Link's hand. Soon the signature fiery dome shot out, indicating that she had successfully cast the spell.

The red gelatin barely even jiggled.

There was a pause.

"Okay, um…" Navi bit her lip. "T-That was just bad execution. Here goes."

Navi cast the spell once more, leaving burnt sea life in its wake. She glared at the gelatin standing mockingly intact.

"Oh, come on!" Navi let out.

Navi cast Din's Fire yet again.

"Why!"

And again.

"Isn't!"

And again.

"It!"

And again.

"Working?!"

Navi was about to cast it one more time, but a charred gantlet grabbed Din's Fire out of her clutches. Navi turned around. Link's blackened face coughed out puffs of ash. His tunic and gantlets were nothing but semi-charred remains that loosely held together. Navi stared at the top of the screen. Link only had three hearts. He managed to keep his hat somewhat intact, though.

Navi looked around her. Surrounding her were blackened walls, smoldering gelatin, and brooks carrying the residue downstream. If Zora's Domain's air didn't have a high water concentration, the place would have been in shambles.

"Let's leave the hat intact, okay?" Link coughed out some more smoke.

"Augh! I knew this thing wasn't working," Navi muttered to herself. "I'm never visiting that slut of a fairy ever again!"

"I thought we were never going to see them again anyway," Link added.

"That's besides the point," Navi huffed.

"So, um," Link rubbed some soot off his face, "apart from my completely unrealistic aftermath from fire, do you have any suggestions on what we should do?"

"You can go back to eating the stuff if you want," Navi grumbled.

"Okay," Link shrugged.

Link began nibbling away at the red goo. His health went up a quarter of a heart.

"Wat is dis stuff, anywais?" Link said with a mouthful of goop. "It's delicious."

Navi dipped her finger in it and licked it. "I wasn't serious, you know. And…mmm… It _is_ kinda tangy."

Navi paused.

"What am I doing—I don't know how long this stuff has been on the Zora King's body!" Navi spat the goop out.

"Wat was dat?" Link looked up.

"Never mind," Navi sighed. "Go back to eating. It may not be the best thing for you, but it is the first time I've ever seen you eat in a while."

Link began devouring the gelatin once more. Navi paused. She looked at the ceiling. She looked at Link. Still munching. She looked at the walls. Then at Link. Still at it. She looked at her wrist, realized the gesture wasn't productive in this time period, then back at Link again.

"Okay, this is taking too long," Navi said. "Come on. Let's spite the fat lard of Zora and go behind him without his permission."

If Navi didn't know better, she could have sworn the King Zora was glaring at her.

"But it's recovering my HP—" Link protested.

Navi pointed at the exit. "Now."

Link wiped bits of the sugary gelatinous mix off his face. He sighed and ran off after Navi, who was flying down the hallway.

* * *

To say that Zora's Fountain had changed over the years would be an understatement. Link could barely believe his eyes when he laid eyes upon the place. Everywhere Link looked there was nothing but brightly coloured gelatin. Gelatin water, gelatin platforms, and even a gelatin cave off in the distance. It was like blatant product placement, only without the companies contacting the authoress.

Apparently, Jabu Jabu couldn't stand the sight of the goop either, since he was nowhere to be found.

"Okay, this is just getting ridiculous," Navi said. "As tasty as it may be, nobody can like this stuff _that _much."

"You know, maybe they didn't," Link pondered. "Maybe one of Ganondorf's minions bought a whole bunch of packages, but didn't know what to do with it, so they dumped all the contents in the fountain. What they didn't expect, however, was for the temperatures to drop to the point where the gelatin to fully form."

"Must restrain urge to ridicule…" Navi grumbled.

Link hopped across the surface of the gelatin, and made his way into the cave in the side of the wall.

* * *

Hours of Jello(TM) traversing later…

"Oh my Farore, I am sick of eating all this…this…stuff!" Link let out.

"Well, at least your HP is at max," Navi said.

A clear gelatin monster slid over to Link. It spat Jello at him.

"Though, I have to admit, that is hilarious," Navi snickered.

Link wiped the goop off his face. "Why do I get the feeling I won't get a heart container after all this?"

"Well, at least it's almost—hey," Navi looked up. "What's that?"

Link brushed the gelatin off his arms and looked up. There, up on a higher ledge, was a strange blue glowing thing that resembled a giant flame. Link climbed up.

"Wow, this is cool," Link examined the glowing object closer.

"_Saaaay!_" Navi's face lit up. "Maybe if we bottle up the blue fire, we can use it against the red stuff around the king."

"But it's not fire," Link said. "It's the same stuff as all the rest."

"What are you talking about? Of course it's fire—" Navi began.

Navi reached out and touched the floating mass. To her horror, and slight disgust, it, too, was gelatinous. Navi stared down at the pedestal. On it was a sign that read 'Blueberry Jello (TM)'. Beneath that it said 'contains no traces of nut products'.

"Jello (TM)?" Navi blinked.

"What?" Link asked.

"It's what it says," Navi said. "It's apparently called 'Jello (TM)'."

"Maybe that's what the other stuff is called too," Link pondered.

"Whatever, so maybe it is," Navi huffed. "Can we use it somehow?"

Link took a bite. "It's tasty," he admitted.

"Okay, so now what?" Navi groaned. "We can't use the blue 'Jello(TM)' to burn the red Jello . That…that just doesn't physics. Period."

Link took another bite.

"Say, I wonder how the blue gell stuff would taste with the stuff on the king," Link pondered.

Navi paused, staring at Link. If this fic was any cartoonier, a light bulb would have appeared above her head.

"I hope you have hollow legs," Navi smirked.

"Huh?" Link blinked.

"Just bottle it up," Navi huffed.

Link raised an eyebrow, but complied. Link hopped down, and continued his trek through the gelatin mania.

* * *

Link and Navi soon came across a room different from the others. It was littered with crystals and twinkled in the soft light Navi emitted. Link paused.

"Why do I get the feeling that I have to fight a boss here?" Link sighed.

"Because rooms that look different from the main temple or dungeon are obviously boss rooms," Navi said. "…We've been at this too long."

Link nodded. "That we ha—"

Link froze.

"Link? Why did you cut off like that?" Navi paused.

Link didn't move. Navi followed his gaze. There, at the other end of the room stood a large, white, Wolfos. It charged towards them.

"Uhhh…" Navi raised an eyebrow.

"_Awwwwww_!" Link cooed.

The wolf stopped dead in its tracks. "Arf?"

The wolf sat down and tilted its head to the side. Link dashed toward it, his arms outstretched.

"Oh, not this again," Navi slapped her forehead.

"It's so _cute~_! I'm going to name it Wigijigiland!" Link hugged Wigijigiland around the middle. "Don't you think that it's a lovely name?"

Wigijigiland started to gnaw on Link's leg.

"Where the crap do you get all these weird names?!" Navi buzzed up and down. "Can't you just name it 'Jim' like a normal person?!"

Link covered Wigijigiland's ears. "Navi! Don't hurt Wigijigiland's feelings like that!"

"Will you stop befriending Wolfos'!" Navi snapped. "Besides, this one's the boss."

"But it's too cute for us to fight!" Link smiled at Wigijigiland. "I know! He can be our cute and lovable partner on our adventures!"

Link's statement was lost on Navi, as Wigijigiland had clamped his jaws shut over her.

"Mmmm, mm mmm mmm'm mmm mm mmm mm mmmm mmmm mmmmmmm, m mmmmmm m'mm—!" Navi's muffled yelling was heard from Wigijigiland's muzzle.

[Translation note: 'Link, if you don't get me out of here this instant, I swear I'll—!']

"What?" Link asked with his hand over his ear, "I didn't catch that."

Wigijigiland shook himself loose from Link's grasp. It turned and charged toward Link again. It leapt into the air, paws extended towards our hero's face. Link opened his arms, about to welcome the embrace.

"Wigijigiland!" Link declared. "Come to Papa!"

Wigijigiland accidentally stabbed himself on Link's sword and died.

"Nnnnnnnooooooooooooooooooooo ooo—!" Link fell to his knees in despair, "My poor Wigijigiland! It was too young to die!"

Navi whizzed out of Wigijigiland's slack jaw. "Link, don't make me troll you again."

"Do what?" Link blinked.

"Never mind," Navi sighed. "Just get the chest already."

Navi pointed to the chest in the corner.

"But don't I at least get the chance to mourn my best friend of all time?" Link protested.

"That won't be necessary," Navi said, "since I'm still alive. Anyway. Treasure. Get it."

"You are so bossy, you know that?" Link grumbled.

"And you're stupid," Navi sighed. "I honestly don't know why the goddesses assigned you to the job as the Cho—"

"Shoes!" Link exclaimed.

Navi looked over to see Link trying on shoes. DUN UN UN UNN**!** Link got Iron Boots! Which just look like his regular boots with metal weights on the bottom. Lame?

"Link, you can't be serious," Navi said.

Link didn't skip a beat, and put them on.

"These are soooo cool!" Link's face lit up. "Now I'll weigh, like, a thousand pounds!"

Navi stared speechless as Link began admiring himself with them on. Sheik fell from the ceiling. Sheik took a step back in surprise.

"Navi, do these make me look fa—hello," Link coughed.

"No wonder fandom can't decide if you're straight," Navi said.

"What in Nayru's name are you doing?" was all Sheik could let out.

"Erm, it's, um, not what it looks like," Link blushed.

"Uh, yes. Yes it is," Navi said.

"Hey! It was _your _idea to come here and mock the king," Link crossed his arms. "It's not like there are any manly minigames I could play with the Zoras instead, anyway."

"If you came here to meet the Zoras, you wasted your time… This is all there is… With one exception, the Zoras are now sealed under this thick ice sheet…" Sheik explained.

"I'm guessing he didn't get the memo," Link whispered.

"Memo?" Sheik blinked.

"The gelatin stuff is apparently called 'Jello'," Navi said. "And my guess is that belongs to some well-known business, since the authoress keeps slapping on '(TM)' after it. I think she's trying to avoid legal issues."

"Gelatin…stuff?" Sheik blinked.

There was a long pause.

"Sheik, didn't it strike you as a bit odd when the 'ice' started wobbling under your feet?" Navi asked.

"Now that you mention it," Sheik pondered, "it _was_ suspiciously easy to chisel her…"

"Whatever," Navi sighed. "What did you want to tell us?"

"…I managed to rescue the Zora Princess from under the ice—" Sheik started.

"Jello (TM)," Link lifted up a correcting finger.

"…'Jello (TM)'," Sheik rolled his eyes. "but…she left to head for the Water Temple… This Jello is created by an evil curse…"

"Jello created by an evil curse?" Navi asked in disbelief.

"Or a monster who was drunk at Cosco," Link added.

"What is up with all this advertising this chapter?!" Navi let out.

"The monster in the Water Temple is the source of the curse," Sheik continued.

"So…" Link paused, "the boss of the Water Temple was drunk at Cosco?"

"Link, stop it!" Navi smacked his head. "You don't even have a clue what Cosco is."

"Unless you shut off the source, this ice—I mean _Jello(TM)_, will never melt…" Sheik said.

"So Jello(TM) _can _melt," Link gasped.

"But Din's Fire doesn't do a thing," Navi said. "What do you suggest?"

"If you have enough courage to confront the danger and save the Zoras, I will teach you the melody that leads to the Temple." Sheik explained.

"That doesn't exactly sound effective," Navi said. "Got any other ideas?"

"No," Sheik shot a glare at Navi. "Now shut up and listen to my poetry."

"Tch, poetry's for losers," Link huffed.

"Link, I thought you would have grown to appreciate the fine arts," Navi protested.

"Poetry's still for losers."

"Bah, don't mind him, Sheik," Navi said. "Now, go on."

"Time passes, people move…. Like a river's flow, it never ends…" Sheik began.

"But Jello(TM) just stays in one place," Link added.

"Shh!" Navi whispered.

"…A childish mind will turn to noble ambition… Young love will become deep affection… The clear water's surface reflects growth…" Sheik spoke a little louder.

"Oh Din," Link paled. "I forgot about Ruto."

"Now listen the Serenade of Water to reflect upon yourself… Play the Serenade of Water!" Sheik exclaimed.

Navi started to clap.

"Thank you, thank you," Sheik bowed.

"And you were calling me girly?" Link rolled his eyes.

"Link!" Navi hissed. "Don't diss poets! Do you know how much girls dig guys who write poetry?!"

Link raised an eyebrow. "They do?"

"Sensitive girls, mostly, but they do!" Navi said.

"…Unfortunately," Sheik seemed to deflate a little.

Sheik took out his harp out of seemingly nowhere, as always, and played the Serenade of Water. Link whipped out his ocarina and played it back. DUH NUH NUH NUH NU NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUHH! Link learned Serenade of Water! Warping song number three in the bag!

"Link… I'll see you again…" Sheik told Link.

Sheik threw a Deku Nut and vanished. Link stumbled around blindly.

"Huh," Navi paused. "I just realized that I'm not affected by those. I love being an NPC."

"You lucky little—uagh!" Link let out.

There was a loud splash. Navi looked over at a nearby hole in the ground.

"Great," Navi groaned. "He's still wearing those iron boots, isn't he?"

Navi dove into the water.

* * *

Link heaved his way into Zora's Domain. Dragging one foot forward and slamming it on the ground. He did the same with the other, water dripping off his hair.

"Link, this would be a lot easier without the iron boots on—" Navi repeated.

"No, no, a thousand times no!" Link grunted with each step. "I just got my first new pair of boots in seven years and I wanna wear them!"

"Those things weigh a ton," Navi said. "They kept you at the bottom of the fountain and if I didn't share my air bubble, you would have drowned. You're being ridiculous."

"What I'm being," Link panted, "is practical."

"Bah, whatever," Navi huffed. "I'm obviously not going to get anywhere with that attitude."

Link stomped over to the Jello(TM) encased Zora King.

"Okay," Link smiled. "We're here. Wait, why were we seeing the Zora King again?"

"Just give me your bottle," Navi sighed. "The one with the blue Jello (TM)."

Link paused and hesitantly gave the bottle to Navi. Navi ripped open the cork after getting a good grip, and wedged the blue gelatin into the red. After a few minutes of fidgeting, the goop had turned purple.

"Uhhh…" Link raised an eyebrow.

"Now eat," Navi demanded.

"Uh, when I wondered how they tasted together, I didn't actually want to find out. And, no offense, but, um," Link bit his lip, "didn't we already try this?"

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again," Navi said.

"_Okay,_" Link leaned over and took a bite, "but I still have my—OH MY DIN, THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER TASTED, EVER!"

Link devoured the Jello(TM) like there was no tomorrow.

"Product placement gone wrong, that's what this is," Navi sighed.

Soon…

"Ouch!"

"Did you say something, Navi?" Link looked up.

"Oh hey!" Navi exclaimed. "You've got most of the King out."

"I'll take it from here," the King Zora used his exposed arm to shoo Link away.

"But it's so yummy—" Link protested.

"Link, shut up," Navi said. "He might give us stuff. We don't want to upset him."

"So, I assume it was you two who saved me," the King began picking Jello(TM) off his arm.

"You are correct," Navi rolled her eyes. "Of course, Mister Girly Girl here insisted on taking a detour in the fountain. Almost drowned himself because of it."

"Hey! New shoes, you wear 'em!" Link protested. "There's nothing wrong with that!"

"Unless they drag you to the bottom of every body of water and you almost drown because of it," Navi said. "Then, yes, it is very much a problem."

"It looks like you have a hard time breathing under water," the King Zora noted.

"Just a little," Link shrugged.

"Definitely," Navi groaned.

"As an expression of my gratitude, I grant you this tunic," the King nodded. "With this, you won't choke under water."

The Zora King pulled a blue tunic from out of his cape.

"…You were carrying that around," Navi paused, "all this time, all these years, under your cape?"

"Indeed," the King Zora nodded. "What of it?"

"Why?" Link and Navi asked in unison.

"I—! …I don't remember. I'll have to think about that," the King began to ponder.

"Bah, never mind, just give it to us," Navi sighed.

DUN UN UN UNN**!** Link got the Zora's tunic! A blue tunic that makes him look hotter than usual!

"…Our narrator's weird," Link paused.

"Trust me, you don't know the half of it," Navi shuddered.

"And I have a feeling I don't want to," Link sighed. "Moving on."

"Ah, I see… Princess Ruto went to the Water Temple…" King Zora nodded.

"She did?" Link asked.

"Link, we've been over this. This is the power of the NPC," Navi whispered. "Apparently this means she's in the Water Temple. Wherever that is."

"Ohhhh…" Link nodded understandingly.

"Not to mention that Sheik told us that she went there," Navi added. "But having NPC powers helps."

"The power of what?" the King blinked.

"…We'll be going now," Link pointed behind him.

Link stormed out of Zora's Domain, clanking all the way.

* * *

Eventually, Navi got fed up with Link's slow traversing and told him to play the new song he learned. Link then played the Serenade of Water. This warped him to an island in the middle of Lake Hylia. Lake Hylia had been drained of most of its water, except for a small pool at the bottom of the island Link stood on. In the pool was a large gate.

"Huh," Link looked around. "Weird."

"Seems a bit," Navi paused, "out of the way, compared to the others."

Navi jolted.

"Those Iron Boots look like they weigh a ton! If you wear those boots, you might be able to walk to the bottom of a lake," Navi told Link.

"So now you _want _me to wear these?" Link asked.

"That was O.N.A. you dolt," Navi said.

"I thought I said to quit it with the insults," Link huffed.

"You're making that very hard. Trust me," Navi sighed.

"I don't have to put up with this," Link stormed off. "I'm going to—uagh!"

There was a loud splash. Navi looked over the edge of the platform they stood on. Link sunk like a stone.

"Put your new tunic on, you twit!" Navi called out.

By the sizeable amount of bubbles that floated to the surface, Navi assumed Link was trying to yell at her. However, he seemed to comply. She flew under and joined him in her air bubble.

"So, how is it?" Navi asked.

Link gulped. "Breathing water is so weird."

"That's nice," Navi said. "Now let's get going. We have a medallion to get."

"And a fiancée to confront," Link shuddered.

"One thing at a time, Link," Navi said. "Besides, she's probably forgotten by now."

"Okay, fair enough," Link sighed.

Link used his Hookshot to pull out the pin holding the gate. Together they went in.

* * *

Link entered the Water Temple, which had mostly been submerged. Link dove into the water, and explored the bottom floor. He entered a room. He gasped. Air bubbles floated out as he recoiled. He made a mad dash for the door.

"You come back here right this instant!" a voice yelled at him.

"Never!" Link cried.

"Ha! I dare you to leave!" the voice sounded smug. "For as soon as you entered this room, you activated a cut scene, which means I am in complete control!"

"Noooo!" Link bellowed.

"_Daaang,_" Navi paused, "being an NPC has its perks."

"Quite right," the voice chuckled. "Now, be a good little man and turn around."

Link, much to his dismay, turned around to face Princess Ruto.

"That's better," Ruto smirked. "Now, you are Link, if I recall correctly."

"You can't even remember his name?" Navi asked. "What kind of fiancée does that make you?"

"Shh!" Link whispered. "Don't remind her!"

Ruto shot a glare at Navi. "The funny thing about you is that you very rarely contain your thoughts."

Ruto glared at Link. He grinned sheepishly.

"You, on the other hand, need to stop being rude," Ruto snapped. "Just because you've forgotten about my telepathic abilities doesn't give you the right to be disrespectful."

Link gasped.

"How does that make me more menacing?!" Ruto growled.

"Oh yeah…" Navi muttered. "Ruto can read minds…"

"That's not all," Ruto said conversationally, "in the last seven years I've gained some telekinetic abilities as well as gotten quite skilled at invisibility. I'm still working on perfecting my hypnotic powers, though."

Navi gulped.

"That's right. You'd _better _not make me angry," Ruto smirked.

"Crap, um…" Link chuckled nervously.

"Oh, it's quite alright," Ruto smiled. "You don't have to contain your thoughts from me. After all, we will wed one day, and I doubt that what you think will be nearly as awkward as what some of my father's men have thought. Especially around me."

There was a pause.

"It's always so quiet when people have no idea what to think," Ruto sighed wistfully.

"W…Was there something you wanted to talk to us about?" Navi let out.

"Indeed there was. You're a terrible man to have kept me waiting these seven long years!" Ruto snapped at Link. "…But now is not the time to talk about love…"

Ruto glared at Link.

"Just because you don't need to restrain your thoughts, doesn't give you the right to be cocky!" Ruto snapped.

"S-Sorry…?" Link gulped.

"Ruto?" Navi sighed.

"Oh, right," Ruto coughed. "I'm sure you've already seen it! Zora's Domain—totally Jello(TM)-ified!"

"That's it. I hate advertising," Navi said.

"A young man named Sheik saved me from under the Jello(TM)… Though my father and the other Zoras have not…yet…I want to save them all!" Ruto continued. "I want to save Zora's Domain!"

"A noble cause, I'm sure," Navi grumbled. "But it's, um, you know, Jello(TM)? Can you just get a stampede of starving Gorons to eat the stuff and free your people?"

"Don't speak their name in my presence!" Ruto hissed. "We have been in a Cold War with those rocks for the past six years!"

"…Literally, I take it," Navi said.

"Maybe it was a Goron who was drunk at Cosco…" Link pondered.

"Nobody was drunk at Cosco!" Navi hissed.

"You!" Ruto raised an authoritative finger.

"Who me?" Navi blinked.

"No! Him! Link has to help me!" Ruto huffed.

"You didn't really clarify…" Navi said.

"Yes?" Link looked around nervously.

"This is a request from me, the woman who is going to be your wife!" Ruto proclaimed. "And stop thinking like that; I don't devour future husbands."

Navi stared quizzically at Link.

"Don't bother asking," Ruto sighed. "It was a stupid thought to begin with."

"But I thought you said I didn't—" Link began.

"Quiet, hubby, I have a request for you," Ruto said. "Link, you have to help me destroy the evil monster in the temple. Okay?!"

"Oh, is that all?" Link sighed. "Whew! And here I thought—oh, uh, you already know."

"Exactly," Ruto said. "So, what do you say?"

"Well…" Link started.

"Good. Inside the Water Temple, there are three places where you can change the water level," Ruto explained. "And quit your whining, this is important, so listen up."

"This is getting annoying," Navi huffed. "It's like listening to a person on the phone—you don't know half the conversation."

"I'll lead the way. Follow me, quickly!" Ruto said.

With that, Ruto swam upwards. Link sighed.

"I'm glad that's over with," Link smiled.

"I can still hear you!" Ruto's voice echoed from above. "And your thoughts, too!"

"Brilliant," Navi rolled her eyes.

"Why do I feel like I won't be rid of her like in canon?" Link sighed.

"Are you coming up here or aren't you?!" Ruto sounded angry.

"And take off my boots?" Link asked. "But I just got them—"

Suddenly, Link was telekinetically lifted off the ground, propelled through the water, and shot up to the floor above.

"Son of a…" Navi stared up in awe.

"Ahhh!" Link screamed.

"You are…heavy!" Ruto sounded out of breath. "Where are you hiding that weight?"

Navi flew up and joined the two. "Look at his feet."

Ruto stared at his Iron Boots. There was a long pause.

"I agree with that fairy of yours," Ruto said. "Take them off or I'll do it myself."

"But they're brand new—" Link protested.

"Manually," Ruto grinned evilly.

Link could read Ruto's mind from her expression alone. He put on his old boots.

"That's better," Ruto smirked.

"I have no idea what to think anymore," Navi sighed.

"Good, it'll be a lot quieter around here," Ruto said.

"Why you—!" Navi snarled.

Ruto telekinetically shoved Navi into Link's hat.

"…This will be a long temple, won't it?" Link sighed.

Link, Ruto, and the angered Navi continued their trek through the temple.

* * *

To Link's surprise, Ruto was actually of some assistance. Her telekinesis helped throw enemies into each other when he needed to deal with puzzles and the like. He wasn't fond of how closely she clung to him when they hookshotted across gaps, though. Eventually, they came into a room, shrouded in mist. In the center was a withered tree.

"Most undignified," Ruto let out. "If you're going to keep plant life at all, you'd think they have to dignity to at least keep it alive!"

Link said nothing, but silently nodded. Navi stared.

"What do you mean you think he's afraid to afraid to think around me?!" Ruto snapped. "He just not one for mental conversation, that's all!"

"If you can read my thoughts, you already know what I think of that," Navi said.

"Honestly!" Ruto huffed. "How does he put up with you?"

"Better than how he puts up with you," Navi grumbled. "Now, there's obviously some sort of gimmick to this tree, so maybe there's something about it that will—"

Navi flew around the tree. She came face to face with herself.

"Whoa," Navi recoiled. "_Hel_lo."

"Hey, look, listen, watch out!" it smirked.

"Ack!" Navi let out.

"What?" it chuckled. "Are you scared?"

"You're…I'm sorry, what are you?" Navi asked.

"I'm you, of course!" the fairy laughed.

"Uh, no. No you're not," Navi said. "I'm not that dark a shade of blue."

"My, my, aren't you Captain Obvious," Dark Navi cackled.

"Okay, what is going on!?" Navi yelled.

"Oh, I'm _sorry_, I thought you were smarter than that," Dark Navi smirked. "I am your dark reflection. You must defeat me to continue on your journey."

"Um, no, bull crap," Navi said. "Link! Get over here and do something. This is more up your ally than mine."

Link nodded and quietly came over.

"And what? _I'm _just supposed to stand here and wait quietly?" Ruto tapped her foot.

"That was what I was hoping, yes," Navi said.

"_Excuse _me?!" Ruto hissed. "You _dare _speak that way to the future Queen of th—"

Ruto froze.

"I recognize that look," Navi spun around. "What cute animal have you fallen in love with this tim—"

Navi paused. She turned back to Ruto. She double checked Ruto's gaze. There was no doubt about it. Ruto was staring at Link.

That or his Dark version of himself. They were fighting each other by the tree, so it could be either or.

"T-There is…" Ruto sounded amazed, "…_two _of them?"

…Or both. Navi was caught by surprise when Ruto leapt toward the battling men.

"Sometimes I'd like to know what goes on in _her _head," Navi sighed.

"Yes! Yes!" Dark Navi cackled. "May her guts splatter across the floor when she's caught in the crossfire!"

Navi raised an eyebrow. Meanwhile, the Dark Link stopped to look at the incoming Zora woman.

"Whoa," he chuckled. "Who's this chick?"

"She's, uh, Ruto," Link gulped. "We're engaged."

Dark Link whistled. Link stared.

"Are you…actually…attracted to her?" Link took a step back.

"Are you blind? Look at her!" Dark Link whispered. "She's running around naked! Do you realize how much money that can save you?"

"…I beginning to think that you're not much like me at all," Link took a step back.

"Suit yourself," Dark Link shrugged.

Ruto ran into Dark Link's arms. She snogged him fervently. One thing lead to another and soon they were making out on the floor.

"Boo!" Dark Navi heckled from the sidelines. "Needs more gore!"

"Uhhh…" Link blinked.

"Look, do we really have time for this?" Navi sighed. "The Zora people aren't getting any better."

"They've been down there for three years already," Ruto broke from a snog. "They can wait a little bit longer."

"Isn't that a bit selfish—" Navi began.

"Can it, tennis ball!" Dark Link called out.

"I'm sorry, no!" Navi yelled. "We have a quest to save Hyrule! We need to save the Zora people, or whatever, and you two exchanging kisses isn't going to help any!"

"Pssh, just leave us here then," Dark Link snarled. "Go on your goody two shoes adventure."

"No, no, she's right, as much as I'd hate to admit it," Ruto sighed. "My father and my people should be a first priority."

Ruto got up off the floor. Dark Link glared at Navi. Dark Navi began to laugh.

"I won't forget this," Dark Link pointed at Navi.

"Apparently," Navi groaned.

"My, your mind has gone gruesome," Ruto remarked.

"Stab the Zora in the back!" Dark Navi cackled. "She'll never expect it!"

"And you I could frankly do without," Ruto huffed. "Your thoughts give me the heebie-jeebies."

"I have no idea what's going on," Link sighed.

"That's alright, dear, nobody's expecting you to," Ruto nodded.

"Anyway, you're the mini boss here," Navi said. "At least, that's what I'm assuming at this point. What's the gimmick here?"

"Defeating me," Dark Link said.

Ruto let out a shrill gasp.

"…Oh boy," Navi paused.

"But, I don't exactly feel like dying right now, especially since I have a score to settle with you, so I'll just do this," Dark Link snapped his fingers.

The mist in the room faded. The opposite door unlocked. A chest appeared.

"Good, this we can work with," Navi sighed. "Link, get that."

Link went over and opened the chest. DUN UN UN UNN**!** Link got the Longshot! It's like the Hookshot, but only more competent!

"Guess I don't need this anymore," Link tossed the Hookshot over his shoulder.

Navi rolled her eyes. "Now let's get going."

"And why should I take orders from you?" Ruto crossed her arms.

"Because Link's afraid to think around you, my dark clone seems to be fixated on gore, and Link's clone is a perv," Navi explained. "And unless _you_ want to get everybody organized, I'm the most mentally capable one here."

"Oh, alright," Ruto rolled her eyes.

Link and Navi exited. Dark Link followed, with an arm draped over Ruto.

"Quick! Gut her! Gut her!" Dark Navi whispered.

Dark Link stuffed Dark Navi into his hat.

* * *

As it turned out, Link found that the Water Temple was the hardest temple to navigate so far, so he found he was at mercy of the map, compass, and backtracking most of the time. Occasionally, Ruto and the Dark clones would assist with the puzzles and the finding of keys, but they were usually unwilling to comply. Link stared in contemplation at his dungeon map.

"We're lost again?!" Navi let out.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Link groaned. "It's just that I have no idea where I'm supposed to go from here."

"Well, just figure something out!" Navi huffed. "The last thing we need is for Ruto and your Dark clone to start making out again."

"We're not deaf, you ungrateful little—" Ruto said a ways away.

"Pff, they're just jealous, babe," Dark Link said close to her.

"Of course they are, my sweet," Ruto giggled.

"…At least your clone distracts her quite a bit," Navi shrugged. "So, that's useful."

Link let out a heavy sigh.

"Oh, what now?" Navi huffed.

"Why can't you be as helpful as Dark Navi?" Link asked.

"Hey! Whoa! I'm helpful!" Navi protested. "I've gotten us out of lots of difficult situations with my wit and cunning!"

"The first day we met, you told me how to open a door," Link glared at the fairy. "And I was _how old?_"

"Link, like it or not, you needed my help opening that door," Navi pointed out.

* * *

**Flashback**

"Nooo!" Young Link banged his fist against the door, howling uncontrollably. "Why isn't it opening?! There's no door knobs, handles, or anything! Why, Farore?! Why?! Why are you being so cruel to me!?"

"Uhhhh…" Navi paused.

**End of Flashback**

* * *

"…That's debatable," Link said.

"And what makes you think Dark Navi is more useful than I am?" Navi asked. "She hasn't exactly provided much input."

Link pointed over his shoulder to Dark Link and Dark Navi.

"…And if I go kill the original me," Dark Link pondered, "then Ruto will be mine, but if I do that, I won't have any hope of exploiting your original and harnessing the power that both of you possess. Hmmm… What do to…?"

"I've got an idea!" Dark Navi perked up. "Why don't we just kill them all?"

Dark Link smacked his forehead. "Of course! That way I can take their place, take over her kingdom, and use her militia to overthrow Ganondorf at the same time! You are a genius!"

"Of course I am," Dark Navi nodded.

The Dark clones started cackling with glee. Link looked at Navi expectantly.

"…I prefer to think I'm nicer than that," Navi said.

Link sighed, and began reexamining the map.

* * *

Eventually, Link and his companions managed to find their way to the boss's room. In the room was a large pool, with various pillars standing up from the water.

"Ugh, finally," Navi groaned. "If I had to put up with anymore fish on dark clone mush, then I would have thrown up."

Navi was suddenly tossed telekinetically thrown to the floor.

"That was for your insolence!" Ruto snapped.

Navi was smacked against the floor repeatedly.

"And that is for your attitude!" Ruto added.

"I—! Am—! Really—!" Navi yelled as best she could against the floor. "Beginning—! To—! Hate—! Princesses—!"

Ruto spun around to Link. "Anything you'd like to add to that?!"

Link slowly shook his head. Ruto turned to Dark Link and Dark Navi.

"No, I won't escalate to bloodshed, it's not my style," Ruto said to the fairy, then turned to Dark Link. "As for you, I'm flattered, really, but I have no intention of taking over the world, even with you."

"This is…so…weird," Navi heaved from the floor.

"Who said it was your turn to speak?" Ruto shot Navi a glare.

Navi was smacked against the floor once again.

"Cut it out, already!" Navi growled.

Navi looked up to see Ruto and the other's faces frozen in terror. Navi fluttered up, and turned around to see a gigantic mass of goop, readying to attack.

"No!" Dark Link exclaimed.

"It can't be!" Ruto shrieked.

"More _Jello(TM)__?!_" Link gasped.

"Lame," Dark Navi spat.

"Can someone just pay Cherry-sama already so she can shut up about Jello(TM) already?!" Navi let out.

A large blob of flavourless Jello(TM) was thrown up against the wall. The large splatter barely missed Link.

"Whoa!" Link dove out of the way.

Link took a battle pose and drew his sword.

"Your proportions are off," Dark Link said.

Link pressed his sketchbook against his chest to hide the picture of his sword and stick man.

"Hey!" Link protested. "No peeking!"

"_Liiinkkk!_" Navi yelled.

"Hey," a blob of Jello(TM) splattered overhead, "I don't see any of you guys volunteering to help me. Besides, the lighting in this room is so unique compared to anything I've ever seen before!"

Navi floated there ominously.

"My, my, what a potty mouth you have," Ruto remarked.

"You!" Navi spun around at Ruto. "You have mind powers and whatnot. Why don't you help Link out?"

"And I will," Ruto nodded. "From the sidelines. Everyone needs encouragement."

"Oh, for crying out loud," Navi groaned. "What about you two? What's your excuse?"

"Me?" Dark Link asked. "You kiddin'? We're from the same dungeon! I'm not going to backstab a fellow minion of darkness."

"And you?" Navi sighed.

"Well…" Dark Navi chuckled.

"She's hoping that Link will lose and your innards will be described in enough graphic detail to bring the rating up to 18+," Ruto said.

"Hey!" Dark Navi protested.

"Why am I not surprised?" Navi groaned. "And, Link, stop drawing! We could die!"

"Any suggestions?" Link didn't lift his head from the sketchpad.

"Well, I dunno!" Navi huffed. "Try the sour milk? It worked the previous two times."

"That's not a bad ide—uah!" Link gasped.

Link was grabbed and picked up into the air by the large blob, making him drop the sketchbook. The Jello(TM) monster dangled him upside down, tauntingly. Out came the sour milk, falling into the goop. The cork floated up, ominously.

The Jello(TM) monster shriveled up anticlimactically. Link plummeted to the floor.

"This is just getting sad," Navi said.

"Boo-yah!" Link cheered. "The power of Evil Sour Milk never lo—wait, this is where it absorbed the milk? Ick! Get me out of here!"

Link scrambled out of the pit as fast as he could.

"I…I need a moment…" Navi sighed.

"Could have drawn that better…" Dark Link flipped through the sketchbook. "Could have drawn that better… That one is just pathetic…"

"H-Hey! That's private!" Link protested.

"Quick! Get the Heart Piece!" Dark Navi yelled.

"Wait a minute—!" Navi let out.

Before anyone could react, Dark Link dropped the sketchbook and leapt over to the platform with the twirling heart on it. DUN UN UN UNN**!** Dark Link got the Heart Container! Psyche!

Link dashed for the sketchbook and put it back in his inventory. Link looked over, to the center of the now empty pool. He squinted.

"Say, Navi," Link paused.

"What is it now?" Navi groaned. "Can't you see I'm having kind of a bad day?"

"I found another one," Link said.

"Another one of wha—oh Farore," Navi paused.

Navi stared at an identical teleporting device. There was a pause. Dark Navi zipped into the portal.

"See ya later, suckers!" Dark Navi called.

There was another pause.

"So, what is the significance of this?" Ruto asked.

"We have no clue, actually," Link said. "And come to think of it, didn't we use these back, seven years ago, in Dodongos Cavern and Jabu Jabu's belly…?"

"This is just a bad day. A very, very bad day," Navi muttered to herself.

Navi flew into the portal. Link shrugged, and followed her in. The Zora and dark clone entered shortly after.

* * *

Link and Navi were transported to the Chamber of the Sages once again. Facing the blue pedestal, Link stared blankly as both Ruto and Dark Link appeared before them.

"Link… I would have expected no less from the man I chose to be my husband," Ruto whispered.

"Uh, thanks?" Link blinked.

"Not you! Him!" Ruto pointed to Dark Link.

"Sucker," Dark Link stuck out his tongue.

Dark Link gave Link a malicious grin, then pecked Ruto on the cheek.

"So, um, is this just a…thing now?" Navi asked.

"If by 'thing' you mean that we plan to be wed within the year, then yes, this is a 'thing' now," Ruto was beaming.

There was a pause. Ruto glared at Link and Navi.

"Stop cheering!" Ruto snapped. "You could at least _pretend _that you are upset that I chose him over you!"

Tears of joy rolled down Link's face.

"Ouch! Quiet it down! Now you're giving me a headache," Ruto clutched her head.

"Wait a second," Navi looked around. "Where did my dark version go?"

There was an awkward pause. Dark Navi was nowhere in sight.

"…Crap," Navi said.

"A-Anyways," Ruto coughed, "Zora's Domain and its people will eventually return to their original state. Fortunately, that also means I can grant my eternal love to you without interruptions."

"That's right," Dark Link whispered into Ruto's ear. "And soon, we can play some…_games_…"

"This is just getting creepy," Navi said. "Can you hurry up and just give us the medallion already so we can get on with it?"

"Fine, fine, I was going to inform you that I feel that Princess Zelda is alive, but, by your thoughts, I know that you obviously have no interest in what I have to say," Ruto huffed. "Here is the medallion. Take it respectfully!"

DUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUUHHH! Link received Water Medallion! It turned into water, and fell onto Link's face.

Link a white light surrounded Link when warped out of the Chamber of the Sages.

"_If you see Sheik, please give him my thanks, okay?" Ruto's voice on the wind told Link._

"_Wait, what if Sheik was the one drunk at Cosco…?" Link's voice pondered._

"_I said nobody was drunk at Cosco!" Navi's voice echoed in the wind._

* * *

The water level of Lake Hylia returned to normal. Sheik stood stoically on the island in the center of Lake Hylia.

"As the water rises, the evil is vanishing from the lake… Link, you did it!" Sheik exclaimed.

Link was unceremoniously dumped on the warping platform. There was a loud 'clang'.

"Owww!" Link winced in pain.

"That's what you get for putting your iron boots back on again," Navi huffed.

"Hey, Ruto can't stop me now, so—Oh! Hey, it's Sheik!" Link's face lit up.

Link stomped over to Sheik, clanking all the way. Sheik raised an eyebrow.

"Say, Sheik," Link brought Sheik in close, "did you happen to go to Cosco after you drinking too much lactose one evening?"

"Uhhh…" Sheik paused.

"Oh my Din, Link!" Navi let out. "Why won't you let that joke die?"

"I'd like to see you explain all the product placement in this chapter," Link called back.

"Did Ruto want to thank me?" Sheik asked.

"Um, not sure how you knew that, but…" Link bit his lip.

"I see…." Sheik said. "We have to return peace to Hyrule for her sake, too. Don't we?"

Link shuddered at the thought of what Ruto and Dark Link were up to at that very moment.

* * *

"BINGO!" Dark Link exclaimed.

"Dang it!" Ruto slapped her card on the floor. "I was so close to beating you, too!"

* * *

"Look at that, Link… Together, you and Princess Ruto destroyed the evil monster!" Sheik exclaimed. "Once again, the lake is filled with pure water. All is as it was here."

"Jello(TM) is evil?" Link asked.

"What is this, anti-product placement?" Navi huffed.

Link and Sheik looked out over the glistening waters. After a couple minutes, Sheik took a few steps back, used a Deku nut, and disappeared. Link turned around to see that Sheik had vanished from sight.

"At least he had the decency not to blind you this time," Navi said.

"But still!" Link huffed. "Would it kill the guy to say a proper 'farewell' for once?"

Sheik, who was in the tree behind them, jumped into the water. There was a loud splash, which doused both Link and Navi thoroughly. Link flicked the water off his hands.

"That's it," Navi glared at the water. "Sheik is going down."

* * *

A/N: So, those are all the chapters I have rewritten so far. Again, these are both posted on Kasuto and deviantart, so keep your eyes peeled. (The deviantart version tends to have a bit more commentary, so if that interests you, the links are on my profile.) Just a heads up, the updates on this fic will be slow and sporadic since my main focus will be on Totally Bizarre (the second sequel to this fic, by the way), so I'd recommend that you Follow this story just so you don't have to keep checking back. If you liked what you read, then leave a review. Until next time!


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